YOA Review 3!

As the episode ends, Andrew turns down the sound. Eve sits beside them, her hair in a towel.

ANDREW: I like it. You don't get cliffhangers like that any more.

DAVE: What do you mean? There are only four cliffhangers nowadays - everyone surrounded by monsters threatened with electrocution; zombies surround one regular while we see the evil controlling force for the first time; the shock appearance of the Daleks; and one of the regulars being miraculously replaced in the TARDIS control room! That's it!

ANDREW: I still like it.

NIGEL: Rubbish. It's full of glaring inconsistencies! How could a trained military officer fall for the old "behind you" trick?

EVE: It wasn't a trick.

NIGEL: Oh, there's always SOME excuse isn't there! And he even nicks the most brilliant 'why isn't anyone pleased to see us?' gag from Hitchhikers!

ANDREW: Works better in Doctor Who than Hitchhikers. Besides, most of Hitchhikers IS old Doctor Who stuff. Or old Ringo Starr stuff. Or Dirk Gently stuff.

NIGEL: There you go again, trying to justify a total lack of literary talent by picking holes in other, better, PUBLISHED authors! I mean, after all the whinging that the TARDIS Crew don't get enough to do, he knocks out Turlough for the episode.

DAVE: Yeah. Episode. Singular. It might get better.

NIGEL: Oh yeah, cause when Kamelion, UNIT, drulanium and the Daleks get together, that's a byword for quality, isn't it!

ANDREW: Come on, UNIT is cooler than the bomb disposal squad.

NIGEL: Pah, it's fanwank and you know it.

EVE: Nah, fanwank would be the BDS working for Torchwood.

ANDREW: And the warehouse being the Palace Theatre, with the Daleks using Greel's distilation chamber.

DAVE: And the old guy with the metal detector Henry Van Statten senior.

A pause. The others turn and look at Dave.

DAVE: I'm sorry. Went too far.

ANDREW: You did indeed. Anyway, all those reinstated scenes with the Doc and Archer, plus the bodysnatcher stuff...

NIGEL: Andrew, if they are SO good, why didn't he write an original story then?

Andrew sighs and covers his face in his hands.

ANDREW: Nigel. Do you like Torchwood?

NIGEL: Of course, it's the best damn show on television.

EVE: That explains a lot.

The others rise and leave.

NIGEL: It's the best damn show ever. Multi-species lesbian threesomes, the ultimate cybersex upgrade, chicks with their brains blown out of their head, jellied eels, damn it, jellied eels, the most unconvincing CGI monster since Invasion of the Bane, oh yeah, that's the good stuff, baby!

A pause. Nigel looks around.

NIGEL: Where did everyone go?