Tuesday, January 2, 2007

Parody # 4: Alias of London

Alias of London

Serial 104 – Alias of London
An Alternate Program Guide by Ewen Campion Clarke
From An Entry In The EC Unauthorized Guide O' Slipstreams
"YOA's Discontinuity Guides – Inaccurate But Caring."

Featuring EXCLUSIVE Extracts From The Fan Novelization Of "Alias of London" By Ewen Campion-Clarke Entitled "Doctor Who And The Dead Ringers Election Special" Which Was Panned By Outpost Gallifrey Users

Serial 104 – Alias of London -

{Previously on Doctor Who - Ruse}

Rose Tyler's boyfriend Mickey Smith has defeated the evil alien menace the Nestle Consciousness by eating it.

As Rose has strong view on pre-marital sex, Mickey decides to marry her in desperation for a shag.

Unfortunately, when Rose asks her life-long neighbor and apparent murder victim the Doctor to marry her to Mickey, he only hears the first part and promptly drags her aboard his dilapidated time machine as his ape-descended concubine.

{And now on Doctor Who – Alias of London}

"Meanwhile, on the far side of the estate, close to the flat where Jackie Tyler lived, there was a wheezing, groaning sound. A blue police box materialized from nowhere.

A small, very pretty girl with shoulder-length blonde hair in a cool pink hoodie came out of the police box and stood looking cautiously about her. She was followed by a tall man with a buzz-cut hairstyle in a leather jacket looking disturbingly like Christopher Eccleston.

The blue box was in reality a highly unsophisticated space/time craft called the TARDIS.

The girl was called Rose Tyler and the tall man was not a drug pusher, second hand car dealer, council estate pikey or dosser but was really that oh-so mysterious traveler known as the Doctor.

He took one look around and began kicking the TARDIS angrily."

The Doctor is beside himself with fury at the TARDIS.

Out of all the planets in the entire created universe and any point in any of those planets' existence, the TARDIS has chosen to materialize outside Rose's flat mere hours after she left.

Rose returns home to greet her mother, telling the Doctor to get lost – she's not travelling with him again.

The Doctor starts kicking coke cans and swearing in an obscure Martian dialect until a flyer on a nearby telephone pole catches his eye - a missing-persons flyer with Rose's picture on it.

The Time Lord laughs evilly – Rose may be back home, but she's been gone for twelve months not twelve hours. He pats the TARDIS affectionately and heads for the flat, chuckling.


Parte The First

A boy on the estate, finding that the prick John Smith from number 23 has returned and left his blue box in the courtyard, spray-paints 'K9 RULES!' on the police box and cycles off.

Meanwhile, Jackie has got PC Hollis round to not only take Rose Tyler off the missing-presumed-dead list but also to get the truth out of the creepy neighbor who doesn't age a day and also mysteriously disappeared with Rose in one of those 'window-dummy-rampages' that are so common in Cardiff nowadays.

"As Jackie raged back and forth and Rose covered in her comfy chair, the Doctor took out his five-hundred-year diary and flipped to his roughly sketched bingo game 'Where Have You BEEN, Young Lady?' which he had drawn up over his various encounters with female companion's mothers throughout the ages.

From the Chaplettes to the McShanes to the Pollards, there weren't many accusations that hadn't been thrown at the Doctor. Indeed, on occasion some of them weren't even true.

'The hours I've sat here! Days and weeks and months! All on my own! I thought you were dead!'

Two down, the Doctor thought.

'And where were you? Travelling! What the hell does that mean? 'Travelling'? That's no sort of answer, is it! Your passport is still in the drawer!!'

'I meant to phone,' Rose insisted. 'I really did. I just forgot.'

'FOR A YEAR?!? YOU FORGOT – FOR A YEAR!?!?! And I'm left sitting here!'

Hmmm, already got that one. Jackie was repeating herself.

'I just don't believe you – why won't you tell me where you've been?!'

One more to go, the Doctor thought, as he realized that Jackie had rounded on him now. 'And YOU, Johnny! You walk in here, all charm and smiles and death threats, and she vanishes off the face of the Earth!'

The cliché was all the Doctor needed. 'Bingo!' he cried.

'I bet you're not even a doctor!' Jackie screamed.

'I am a Doctor!' the Time Lord protested. 'A doctor of botany, tai chi and freehand drawing at the Gallifreyan College of the Uncertain Soldier! I took evening classes, you know.'

'Did you pass?' Rose asked.

'That's not the point, I am a doctor!'

'Prove it!' Jackie snapped, picking up a beer bottle. 'Stitch this!'

That single action would have won a 'Where Have You BEEN, Young Lady?' game on its own. The Doctor ducked and Jackie fell back into the arms of the fifteen police officers PC Hollis had whistled up.

'Jackie Tyler, I'm arresting you for attempted assault – AND wasting police time,' he said, reciting her rights before the police dragged her out of the room kicking and screaming.

The Doctor slipped three thick, golden octagons into the policeman's pocket. Gold was one of the commonest metals on Psion B, which is why the Doctor had strip-mined it one afternoon with C'Rizz and Charley.

'Thanks for this, Reg,' the Doctor said.

'No problem, Doctor,' PC Hollis replied with a smile."

In the Doctor's old apartment, where he lay in wait for twenty years in order to try and assassinate Rose, a spiky-haired Scotsman in plaid is making out with a brunette on the sofa when the Doctor and Rose arrive at the front door.

The Scotsman swears and bundles the brunette into a police box parked in the corner. "Why the hell did I ever agree to a time-share... with myself?" he bitches before entering the police box as well.

The Doctor and Rose enter moments after the box has vanished, and Rose ponders how to deal with having unwittingly traumatized her mother. "Maybe I should take her out?" Rose suggests.

The Doctor chuckles and whispers to Rose, "Yeah... make it look like an accident."

"No," says Rose patiently. "I mean: take her out... to dinner."

"Oh," says the Doctor, embarrassed.

There follows a rather awkward silence that only ends when an alien spacecraft sputters overhead and careens wildly across the skyline, belching smoke.

The Doctor does not recognize the ship but, worryingly, Rose can – it's the alien space ship from Monty Python's Life of Brian which is demolishing Big Ben and crashing into the River Thames.

The United Nation Ice Tea (UNIT) division, a spooky X-Files-style conspiracy army with the real name World Allied Nations Killingforce (WANK), is on maneuvers in Central London. Under the command of Brigadier Alistair Gordon Lethbridge-Stewart, the infamous cross-dressing reincarnation of King Arthur, they cordon off the crash site until the pilot of the UFO can be breathalized.

Rose suggests they get passed the gridlocked streets to the crash site by the TARDIS but the Doctor refuses – he doesn't want to attract the wrong sort of attention by materializing the TARDIS near the Brigadier. He also flatly refuses to discus why, or reveal just what SORT of relationship he shares with the insane military officer.

Instead, the Doctor decides to get back into his human habits of ordering pizza and watching TV.

However, the Doctor's enjoyment of taking the piss out of Andrew Marr and Tom Hitchingson as they report the news is curtailed when a bunch of Jackie's friends and neighbors turn up. Having lived on the estate for 20 years, the Doctor has amassed a vast number of residents he owes money and lawnmowers to and the Time Lord finds himself inundated with humans wanting to discuss Rose, UFO crashes and Blue Peter.

When a young boy steals the remote and tries to watch the teletubbies, the Doctor fly-kicks him in the head and leaves his apartment. He goes to Rose's now deserted flat and begins to empty the fridge and watch TV in peace.

UNIT/WANK divers find the driver of the UFO and drag it from the wreck. Appallingly drunk and with a blood-alcohol reading of 5.4, the Brigadier orders this alcoholic alien asshole to be taken to Albion Hospital to be sobered up and given an anal probe by Dr. Sarah Sato, a rather angry ex-abductee.

Together with Sergeant Benton, the Brigadier and Sato lift the sheet covering the body. Benton takes one look at the alien pilot's appearance and runs out of the room, screaming in terror.

The alien is a Time-Bandits-style pig-man in a space suit.

"What's up with Benton?" Sato asks, confused.

"Oh, never mind him, Sato," the Brigadier replies. "He's just going through a bit of a Jewish phase. Beastly luck. Still, best keep the alien out of sight until the expert arrives. And don't let the squaddies hear of this – last time an alien space pig arrived on Earth, it vanished mysteriously and the platoon had free bacon rolls for a month. Liberty hall, Sato! LIBERTY HALL!!"

The Brigadier leaves, doing a chicken impression and Sato boggles.

Meanwhile, Prime Minister Tony Blair has vanished since the state of emergency was declared – which explains the unusual efficiency of the government in this state of crisis.

Improving the situation considerably is the fact that, due to the gridlock and the grounding of flights, most of the Cabinet have been stranded outside central London. Thus, John Prescot – flatulent and incomprehensible lard-arse - has unexpectedly become the acting Prime Minister of the United Kingdom.

He seems to be having difficulty handling the pressure, and has started screaming about 'the X-ray storms of Vega' and 'the great Parrot of Hades' in casual conversation, as what sounds like a plate of Mexican re-fried beans navigates its way out of his digestive system.

Junior secretary Kevin tries to brief Prescot, but the acting PM just breaks wind and shouts "Devil storms, Mr. Nein! Get me the emergency protocols to be followed in case of alien incursion, or I'll have that skull off you!"

Together with the equally rotund M of MI5 and Oliver Charles, Transport Liaison, Prescot heads into the Cabinet office to discuss the situation... but once there, Prescot starts using the booklet for a paper plane competition.

Night falls over London, and the Doctor is holding a massive rave party in Jackie's flat. As David Bowie's Starman howls in the background, the Doctor decides things are chaotic enough for him to slip out and escape in the TARDIS. The first official contact with alien life is something the human race can and must be left to handle on its own, cause he sure has hell has wasted enough of his life dealing with the UNOFFICIAL ones.

Giving up on Rose, he tries to leave without being noticed but, damn it, she spots him and demands he not leave without her – she wants him to use his freaky Time Lord powers to rewrite history and allow her to return to her mum before she left and save her from this heartache.

The Doctor promises that he is just going for a walk on the estate. "Cross my heart and hope to die," he says and, to prove it, hands her the key to the TARDIS.

Mollified, she returns to the flat – and the Doctor heads straight to the TARDIS, laughing at the fact he got a sack-full of fake TARDIS keys off a Draconian during a game of cards.

Mickey Smith emerges from his flat, stoned out of his gourd and butt naked, throwing a bundle of cash at the Lithuanian prostitutes he ordered to celebrate First Contact.

He then catches sight of the TARDIS and, now convinced he is a superhero known only as The Berk, puts on some pants and climbs down the drainpipe to the ground level to confront the Time Lord.

"Mickey/The Berk landed on the balls of his feet and turned around to see the Doctor unlock the door to the TARDIS, whistling along to 'Starman' as he did so.

'Infidel!' Mickey/The Berk yelled. 'Cease and desist!'

The Doctor turned and looked up. Flipping the superhero the bird, he darted inside the TARDIS and slammed the police box door closed.

A wheezing, groaning noise began as the light atop the TARDIS began to flash on and off. The square blue shape of the TARDIS faded away into nothingness before Mickey/The Berk's astonished/super eyes.

The TARDIS had vanished.

The Doctor was off on a new adventure – to get a new companion!

Mickey/The Berk, unable to stop his super-momentum, careened straight through the place the TARDIS has stood and managed to race up the side of the wall and back-flipped neatly onto the ground.

He then collapsed and started vomiting uncontrollably."

Meanwhile, at 10 Downing Street, back-bencher Harriet Jones, MP for Flydale North is complaining very noisily she doesn't give a crap if the question of whether or not humanity is alone in the universe has been answered or the Prime Minister is missing – she had an afternoon appointment and she is going to have it.
Kevin refuses to interrupt Prescot's important meeting for her minor concerns and Harriet responds by crushing his testicles and leaving him a sobbing wreck on the floor.

When Prescot, Margaret and Oliver emerge from the Cabinet office, Harriet explains to Prescot that she's come up with a scheme by which cottage hospitals don't have to be excluded from centres of excellence.
"By the triple hound of death, Ms. Jones! Have some damn perspective!" Prescot laughs in her face and walks off with the others.

Harriet, nettled, kicks open the doors to Cabinet office and decides to wreck the room. Man, that chick has issues.

Slightly concussed but far more sober, Mickey (no longer believing himself to have super-powers) drops in on the happening party in the Tylers' flat, and is furious to see Rose sitting with the rest of his neighbors.

Rose apologizes for not visiting him by playing a voicemail recording of her apology to her mother for not visiting her. Unsurprisingly, this is not nearly good enough for Mickey; when she disappeared with no explanation, Mickey was nearly charged with her murder. He's been questioned five times in the past year, and worse, he never even got to de-flower Rose. Heh. He now demands that Rose shag him; she might as well, because the Doctor's gone without her.

Inside the TARDIS, the Doctor struggles to control the flight by whacking the controls with a small sledgehammer in order to make his ship do what he wants. If he ever thinks about the connection between smashing the console with stuffing up the navigation system, he doesn't show it as he hurls abuse at the time machine.

Finally, the TARDIS materializes and the Doctor emerges to find a new companion, one that will respect his authority and put out. However, he has arrived in a storeroom in Albion Hospital as space-pig comes to life and fights its way out of the mortuary, snorting.

The Doctor leaves the storeroom and walks straight into a group of soldiers on tea break who immediately pick up their guns. The Doctor grins inanely at them and swears very loudly.

Back in 10 Downing Street, Harriet hears voices approaching the Cabinet office and hides in a nearby closet, ready to leap out and attack Prescot first chance she gets.

The Brigadier enters with Prescot, M and Oliver, berating Prescot for his appalling lack of leadership, organization and fashion sense. He then calls him a fat, flatulent bastard and gets Benton to use UNIT's emergency powers to place London after martial law.

Prescot, shocked, insists that they are cool and responsible and stuff like that. If the Brigadier continues to let them control the country they can make it worth his while.

The Brigadier demands to know how they intend to do this – and, as Harriet watches in horror from hiding - Prescot, M and Oliver unzip their foreheads to reveal their true alien forms to the startled Brigadier.

"Jackpot!" the soldier grins...

Parte The Second

Surrounded by troops the Doctor wracks his brain and comes up with the code-command which allows badly-dressed anarchists with police boxes to commandeer any UNIT platoon for his own ends. He then discovers that the space-pig is on the rampage, squealing and honking in terror.

At the Doctor's order, WANK Corporal Palmer, shoots the pig through the eyes. The Time Lord admits to Sato that the creature was just scared but he found the thing pretty creepy.

"Besides," he adds, "I love the smell of bacon in the morning."

Sato explains that while the pig was actually a normal Earth pig, it was augmented by alien technology to make it look and act more alien. Which is insane – unless those who set this up are actually aliens, or at least themselves augmented by aliens. Which they aren't. Are they?

At this point Sato realizes the Doctor left several minutes ago, deciding she was too confusing to be a replacement for Rose.

The Doctor sets the TARDIS for Aldebaran III, but instead manages to return to the Cardiff estate in front of Mickey, Rose and the rather bewildered Jackie. The Time Lord smacks his forehead, remembering the fake TARDIS key he gave Rose also doubles as a tracking device that overrides what little control he has on the time machine.

It looks like he'll have to stay on Earth and sort out this stupid plot-line after all.

The Doctor is even more irritated when Jackie and Mickey walk into the TARDIS behind Rose, and as Mickey angrily accuses the Doctor of ruining his sex life, Jackie stares about in shock and bolts out of the ship to sell her story to the newspapers.

The Doctor decides to call Mickey 'Dickhead' and explains via the TARDIS' half-arsed power-point presentation that the alien ship was launched from Cardiff fifteen minutes before it crash-landed in London and has thus been faked by other aliens.

Rose tries to convince Mickey that she did miss him and she might even be prepared for pre-marital fondling after her adventures with the Doctor. Mickey tells her that he spent the whole year looking for her, and that he never dated anyone else. He saw a heap of prostitutes, but he swears this doesn't count as not only was he thinking of her the whole time he was also playing hard to get.

Meanwhile, Jackie rings the emergency alien hotline number and, after negotiating a deal for a cool 10 grand, blurts out her story, claiming that her daughter is in danger because of an alien called 'the Doctor' who travels in a 'blue box' called the 'TARDIS'. These key words trigger an automated alert – RED ALERT: TIME TRAVELING S.O.B. DETECTED! - which Kevin receives at 10 Downing Street.

Kevin informs Prescot, the Brigadier and M that the automated surveillance software has detected someone the penultimate expert in extra-terrestrial affairs – the Doctor. The Brigadier claims this is some software glitch and they don't need the Doctor, but the ultimate expert in extra-terrestrial affairs – Patrick Moore.

Refusing to take 'no' for an answer, Kevin presses a red button marked 'Do Not Press' and within seconds police, soldiers and helicopters surround the TARDIS. After about two hours, the Doctor, Rose and Mickey emerge, planning to explore the crash site and nick anything salvageable.

Mickey panics and dives into a garbage bin, but Rose shouts after him that it is an ordinary bin and no plastic monsters can save them now. The Doctor and Rose are not being arrested, but being escorted to 10 Downing Street. However, under express orders from the Brigadier, they are beaten, blindfolded, tied up, beaten again and handcuffed to the back of a taxi cab.

Benton can only say, "Sorry Doc. But he's in a bitch of a mood after the whole Sunnydale incident."

The Doctor admits to Rose that he's encountered Lethbridge-Stewart a lot, and these days, his arrival tends to be noticed. More specifically, the last time he encountered the Brigadier, events (including a psychotic seal pub, a vampire slayer, a dimensional rift and Charley Pollard) conspired to end their friendship forever.

After fifteen minutes mindless padding of the Doctor and Rose waving at the press and posing for the paparazzi, they enter the seat of government with the visiting experts – Dr. Samantha Carter, Patrick Moore, Graeme Garden, Bernard Quatermass and Team America World Police.

Kevin hands out ID cards to the experts and the Doctor, but not Rose, who doesn't have sufficient security clearance. Harriet offers to take care of Rose while the Doctor is busy, and escorts her out into the
hall – and explains that the government have been infiltrated by the worst possible creatures known to the human mind.

Oh, and she found Tony Blair's corpse in the cupboard.

The Doctor walks into the briefing room, rips up the agenda and immediately picks out the most important point. Before the Brigadier can take this leather-clad thug to task and begin the briefing properly, the Doctor points out that he has a secret and refuses to tell anyone what it is.

It suddenly occurs to Samantha Carter that everyone who could have investigated the crash is currently in this room - the crash isn't just a distraction; it was a trap!

The Doctor retorts that Carter is just trying to divert attention away from him because, he claims, she "fears his beauty". As he speaks, Prescot passes wind loudly, and when the Doctor turns on him for the interruption, the Brigadier snaps and shouts:


Outside, M strolls into the office behind Rose, Harriet and Kevin and admits that she murdered Blair that morning. Why? Does it matter why? M then closes the door, unzips her forehead and removes her skin-suit...

At the exact moment, back at the flat, Jackie is being questioned by this week's celebrity police commissioner David Beckham, who announces that he is there to deal with trouble and kick footballs, and he don't see any footballs around here. He unzips his forehead and removes his skin-suit...

Simultaneously, John Prescot also happens to be unzipping his forehead and removes his skin-suit to reveal his true form...

The aliens' true forms are now revealed; they are the Slitheen! Drop-dead-gorgeous, big-breasted peroxide blonde quantum space babes with green eyes and extremely skimpy space underwear!!

In the council estate, the blonde babe that was Beckham advances on the terrified Jackie.

In the Cabinet office, the blonde babe that was Margaret Blaine grabs Kevin by the throat and smothers him with her bosom as the horrified Harriet and Rose watch.

And in the briefing room, the Brigadier activates the charges in the delegates' ID cards, electrocuting every one of the gathered alien experts...

"Pain rippled through his body like an epileptic belly-dancer, blinding him. He'd always suspected looking at a babe that cute would make him lose his eye sight. Suddenly, his knees collided with the rug, the blunt impact jogging his mind.

It also left him at groin level with the quantum space babe.

Oh God, they'd walked into a trap. Where was Rose? And why wasn't she wearing a skirt that short? WHY?

He knew he'd had a reason for insisting she follow him into the room. Yeah, to show off to that snooty cow Sam Carter in the corner. Frigid whore. Tiny needles of agony rippled through his muscles, reminding him that he'd let ANOTHER alien race destroy a planet he hung around.

Gallifrey... Earth... That left Alpha Centauri next in his address book. Still, that Ossbossian soul-killer was good for loosening lips. And hips. And cleaning drains for some reason.

His fingers were numbed, but they crept inside his pocket. His grasp on the metal cylinder was shaky.

And Rose. Did she keep a metal cylinder like this for use on special occasions? Like Prom Night? Or Armageddon?

His grip on her was shaky, but better than Ricky's.

Screwing his eyes shut, he activated the sonic screwdriver.

It wasn't over.

He had a good six adventures left in him yet.

Didn't he?"

The Brigadier bursts out laughing. "Reverse the polarity on THAT, you wanker!" he shouts at the twitching Doctor.

Next Time...
"Yesterday saw the start of a brave new world -- and today might see it end as Auldous Huxley's lawyers are out for our blood!"
"Oi! You want cheesy nibbles? You got em! They're inside Downer Street! COME ON!"
"Planet Earth is at war, by all the flaming moons of Heretes! Moons of madness! By the beard, gnarled fingers and horny elbow of the Sky Demon, humanity is surely fucked!!!"
"Everybody run! JON PRESCOT'S GONNA BLOW!"
"Who exactly are the Slitheen?"
"They're aliens!"
"Yes, Harriet. I had gathered that. Now shut it!"
"I could save the world – but would Rose respect me in the morning?"
...Alias of London...uh, again...


The Doctor uses his sonic screwdriver to remove his ID card and slaps it onto the Brigadier in a deadly electric nipple cripple. The feedback incapacitates the soldier.

The Doctor screams, "You wanted the polarity reversed? Well, you've got it, Alistair! I've shown you a great deal of consideration over the years BUT THIS IS THE END OF THE LINE! FRY, YOU BASTARD! FRYYYY!"

Parte The Third

Elsewhere, Harriet and Rose decide sensibly to bolt for the door as 'M's' charms have no effect on them.

Meanwhile, Mickey bursts into Jackie's flat and saves her by groping the Slitheen and rendering it unconscious with his critical mass of testosterone - pausing only to snap a picture on his cell phone of him groping the Slitheen.

The Doctor bolts out of the briefing room to fetch help, and, with the lure of cheesy nibbles, leads the soldiers back to kill the extremely alien infiltrators.

However, the Slitheen has disguised itself as Prescot once again and – when the Doctor accuses Prescot of being a Pamela Anderson clone in disguise – Benton thinks the Doctor has finally gone crazy.

Upstairs, Harriet realizes that they've left the port in the Cabinet office, but the Slitheen-M is right behind them, so Harriet's mordant alcoholism has to be put on hold.

The Doctor is cornered by UNIT troops in the corridor, Benton all-too-capable of believing the Doctor murdered the other experts with his sonic screwdriver just to look cool. The Brigadier orders them to execute him on the spot; fortunately, they've backed him up against a lift, and the Time Lord pops inside and closes the doors before they can shoot.

"Ah, UNIT stupidity," the Doctor sighs wistfully. "Best in the world."

The Doctor's lift stops briefly on the next floor, but when he sees a Slitheen looming over Harriet and Rose, the Doctor squeals and escapes via the lift up one more floor and then descends via the staircase.

The Brigadier orders Benton to shoot the Doctor on sight while he and Prescot head upstairs – and on the way, the Brig convinces the Slitheen to dispose of her flatulent human disguise so he can revel in her glorious nudity. Lucky bastard.

'Prescot' and the Brigadier join 'M' as she closes in on Harriet and Rose when suddenly the Doctor swings through the window armed with fire extinguishers and is able to drive them back and escape with the humans in one fluid move. Very realistic it is, too.

Harriet leads the Doctor back to the Cabinet office to fetch the port, but the Slitheen are only a few steps behind them, various bits of them bouncing and jiggling in such a way I doubt the CGI technicians have had sex in a very, very long time.

The Doctor holds them off with the bottle of port, threatening to use his sonic screwdriver to increase its flammability. The Brigadier calls his bluff and so the Doctor delivers a brief lecture on the history of the Cabinet offices... up to the installation of invisible magic security bulkheads, which he now activates, sealing the Slitheen out of the room!

Proving their intelligence inversely proportional to their bra size, the Slitheen completely believe him – much to the incredulity of the Brigadier. Angrily, the Brigadier boasts the Slitheen is not the name of the race but their surnames – 'M' and 'Prescott' are just too dumb blond to pronounce their species name and, together with their sisters are here to... do something, but they've actually forgotten.

The Slitheen and the Brigadier wander off to remember what their evil plan actually is, and Rose suddenly realizes out that the invisible force fields have now trapped them inside the cabinet.

The Doctor begins headbutting the wall.

As the rest of the Slitheens arrive at 10 Downing Street for a brain storming session on what the hell they are actually supposed to be doing, Mickey and Jackie flee to his flat. They could have got there in minutes but have taken three hours because Mickey just doesn't trust trash bins any more.

The Slitheen has re-assumed the form of David Beckham and is hunting for them between belches and farts.
In the Cabinet office, the Doctor places the bodies Blair and Kevin in the cupboard while carefully picking their pockets. The Doctor explains, apropos of nothing, that the Slitheen's underwear generate compression fields that enable them to shrink their bodies down to fit inside human skins; the gas is a side effect of their diet of champagne, pizza and bulimia.

It occurs to the Doctor that he knows Harriet Jones' name from somewhere, but he can't recall exactly where, proving that even fictional characters are sometimes unable to make witty retorts and poetic conversation at the drop of a sonic screwdriver.

Rose suggests that they launch a missile at the Slitheen, and Harriet thinks she's spending far too much time with the nutter in the leather jacket who threatens to blow people up with a flask of vintage wine.

"What are you?" Harriet demands. "Pyromaniacs or something?"

Mickey then sends Rose the image of him getting off with a Slitheen with the text message FOUND SOME1 BETTA!

Harriet realizes that they can use the phone to call the Doctor's friends for help. The Doctor reveals all his useful friends are, in fact, dead downstairs. "You don't have any friends who are alive?" asks Harriet disbelievingly. "You need to get out more!"

Rose, however, has friends. Well, her mum and boyfriend, so they'll phone them. The Doctor swallows his pride (and his bile) and asks Mickey for help, giving him the secret password 'k9000' that will enable him to log onto UNIT's secure website and save the day.

As Mickey works, however, Jackie demands to know whether her daughter will remain a virgin while with the Doctor -- and the Doctor is unable to answer her question.

"The Doctor hated Jackie. He preferred Rose. His companion. His bird. Jackie had no right to steal Rose away from him – even if she WAS her mother and HAD looked after her every day for the last nineteen years. He needed Rose so much more than these humans could ever understand.

Could he keep her safe? No.

Could he return her to Jackie's waiting arms? Probably not.

Could he promise never to hurt her? He knew he couldn't.

But could he lose her before they had some sex? Never."

David Beckham strips of the skin suit and begins to break down the door to Mickey's flat in the most erotic manner possible. Mickey is certain he can use his mojo to hold off the alien while Jackie flees.

The Slitheen attacks...

Parte The Fourth

The Doctor realizes that the Slitheens (or Raxacoricofallapatorians to give their proper, legal name as entered in The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy) are vulnerable to chocolate.

Jackie runs to the kitchen and hurls a Mars bar at the approaching Slitheen, which blinks in surprise for a moment and then expands rapidly from the calories before finally exploding, coating Mickey's kitchen with a wet sludge.

Deprived of shagging an alien proves almost too much for Mickey's sanity but, when the Doctor calls him Ricky, he snaps.

The Doctor desperately urges Jackie and Mickey to gather all the chocolate they can and attack the seat of English government, but Mickey simply laughs wildly and, using the password, hacks into the Royal Navy and launches a nuclear missile from the nearest offshore submarine, the HMS Deathtrap at 10 Downing Street.

"That'll teach him," Mickey laughs insanely.

Meanwhile, the Brigadier has convinced the Slitheen to nick the plot from Independence Day – they must address the nations of the world, claim that Earth is under attack by hostile alien forces capable of unleashing weapons of mass destruction within 45 seconds and that the only way to save the planet is fire their missiles at Britain.

'Prescot' does so and the UN are more than happy to blow up the UK.

The Doctor, finally understanding the truth, 'opens' the bulkheads to speak to 'M' for some last minute exposition.

The Slitheen were actually here on a vacation until two of them got appallingly drunk and, after medically operating on a pig, accidentally crashed their ship spectacularly. In a panic, they invaded government and now the Brigadier suggests they can trigger "the biggest barroom brawl in the universe" and reduce Earth "to a couple of cinders, floating around in Spain"!

The Doctor points out this will, sort of, kill them as well and Slitheen realize they better get the hell out of here.

Dawn breaks over London, and while Mickey blocks the counter-defences on the coast, the missile hurtles over the countryside. Benton rushes up to the Prime Minister's office and finds the Brigadier ogling the Slitheen in their glorious nudity.

Benton rolls his eyes and runs out of 10 Downing Street. As no one believes about the alien space babes or the approaching missile, he claims that John Prescot is about to explode and the building is evacuated in under thirty seconds.

Moments later, 10 Downing Street blows up and Mickey lights a cigarette – two years of sexual frustration relieved in this deeply Freudian moment.

In the best tradition of The Blues Brothers, the Doctor, Rose and Harriet emerge, alive and intact from the blazing ruin. When Benton rushes up to investigate, Harriet immediately takes charge, ordering him to contact the UN and inform them that the crisis is over.

The Doctor now knows where he recognized her name - Harriet Jones is going to be a future three-term Prime Minister, the architect of Britain's forthcoming 'Even Greater Depression', which makes the Stalinist purges look like a busy post office in comparison.

Now in Britain, under the iron chastity belt of Harriet Jones PM, asparagus is compulsory dinner, corsets are be worn at all times, anyone involved in a vet program is to be executed without trial and free liquor to anyone whose initials are H.J.

The Doctor offers Rose the only way out of this madness, neatly glossing over the fact he has caused his reign of terror himself.

Night falls over London, and the Doctor spray-paints "TARDIS YOUNG TEAM DOC + ROSE YA BAS" on the door of the flat where the graffiti-artist lives. He then scribbles "CYBERMEN - PISS IN HERE" above the letterbox and "I TAKE IT UP THE COUNCIL" on the window.

Rose finally finds him and agrees to get the hell out of here. They run back to the TARDIS as Mickey and Jackie find them – the latter very annoyed that after all her lectures Rose is still happy to fly off into the unknown with a strange Northerner in a leather jacket.

Rose defends herself, pointing out she left a note ("DEAR MUM, I'VE GONE. BYE. LOVE, ROSE").

"Mickey sat on the bench with the adult magazine as Rose bid a tearful farewell to her mother, promising to return the moment Harriet Jones was impeached and order restored.

Mickey knew that she's be back, though. She couldn't afford to leave him for more than a few hours. He was irresistible. She'd come crawling back to him any second.

Without another word, the Doctor and Rose ran into the police box, which promptly disappeared with a wheezing, groaning sound.

Mickey was unconcerned. Rose would return any minute, knowing what a mistake she made and how damn cool he was. Besides, the TARDIS was a time machine. She would be back in ten seconds.

One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten.


Nope, still nothing.

Oh well, Mickey thought, studying the centre-fold of the adult magazine. They'd probably got caught up in some ludicrously complicated Slitheen plot to take over a solar system of prison planets or something like that. Once they'd sorted that out, Rose would be back to the here and now quick and smart.

Any second now.

Book(s)/Other Related -
Doctor Who Versus The Space Hookers!
Doctor Who Fondles The Watchmen

You Sexy Thing – FROM ANOTHER WORLD!!!
Single White Female Attorney
– Episode # 837: "She's No Slitheen, She's My Step-Mother-In-Law"

Fluffs - Christopher Eccleston seemed a bit gassy in this story.

The Brigadier regularly snaps "I said, "Good day, sir!"" at random points throughout the episode, Nicholas Courtney's attention span apparently ceasing whenever seeing a Slitheen's true form.

"You're a sool, a fad and a cimpleton! In THAT order!"

Goofs –
BBC News 24 seems to have lost the ability to speak anything other than Romanian.

They also claim (as does the Doctor) that Big Ben has been destroyed, when the damage is actually to St Stephen's Tower. Big Ben is the bell, not the tower, but maybe the bell was destroyed. DAMN IT! I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE MAKE THAT MISTAKE! DAMN THEM ALL TO BURN IN HELL!

Speaking of the clock (NOT THE SMEGGING TOWER, THE CLOCK!) it magically heals itself mere moments after the ship hits it.

The Doctor claims to be 900 years old. That's just a fucking lie.

Why do the Slitheen possess the chairman of the parliamentary commission on the monitoring of sugar standards in exported confectionery and not the Prime Minster? Is Tony Blair that repulsive? Wait, forget I asked that.

The door to the cabinet room goes from having a sign saying CABINET ROOM to IF THIS ROOM'S A ROCKIN', DON'T COME A KNOCKIN' between Harriet Jones walking in and before the Slitheen and the Brigadier walk in.

Rose and Harriet Jones don't have clearance to go to the alien experts' meeting, but have full reign over the rest of 10 Downing Street and the private quarters of the Prime Minister's daughter. Maybe it's not a goof, but it does look strange.

Why David Beckham? WHY?!

Albion Hospital is not, as the Doctor, the nearest hospital to St. Barnard's Star, as St Thomas Hospital is only a couple of hundred light years away.

The US newsreader refers to England, Britain and the United Kingdom as 'Umma-gumma-land or wherever'. I hate Americans.

The password for UNIT, which also gets you into the Royal Navy systems, is far too insecure. I mean, 'k9000'? That's it?! Are you dicking with me or something? A baboon could trigger world war three if it was that easy!! (Though, as Adam claims to do this in the next episode, it might be intentional rather than a goof)

The CGI images of the Slitheen chasing the Doctor, Rose, and Harriet shows the Slitheen to be faster than the speed of thought, so how come the Slitheen never catch anybody up?

When the reporter's talking about London's streets being deserted, he's reported from the middle of a packed disco called Club Phut.

In one scene, you can see RTD making out with a PA inside the TARDIS prop.

Oh, yeah. The "next week" teaser kind of spoils the point in having a cliffhanger ending, DON'T YOU THINK? YOU BLOODY MORONS!

Technobbable -
The Doctor threatens to "triplicate the boozability" of some alcohol with his sonic screwdriver. As the Brigadier says, he's making it up but the Doctor prefers to think of it as "wishful thinking".

Doctor: Ricky, if I was to tell you what I was doing to the controls of my, frankly magnificent, time ship would you even begin to understand?
Mickey: Yeah. You're reversing the trajectory of the neutron flow, adjusted the dynomorphic inertia system to generate negative greetathong through bladdamine tubing.
Doctor: Uh... OK. I'll give you that one.

Dialogue Disasters -
Jackie: Will Rose be safe, Doctor? Will she ALWAYS be safe?!
Doctor: Well, no, but if she stays in Cardiff she could be hit by a bus tomorrow, so what exactly is your point?

Doctor: Ere! You taking the mickey, Ricky?

Doctor: You shopped me to the emergency alien hot line? Why?!
Jackie: Well, because you're an alien. And it was an emergency.
Doctor: Fair enough.

Jackie: Has he got a jail-bait DD blonde inside him, then?
Mickey: I wouldn't put it past him.

Prescot: I need to be naked.
Brigadier: Rejoice in it. Your body is magnificent. And I'm not just saying that. Not even the Doctor's bimbos are that sexy.

Sam Carter: Do you mind not farting while I'm saving the world?
Doctor: Some people have no sense of humor.

Jackie: Finally! A dishy young man who travels through time and space in a police box... and he prefers my daughter! Life's a bitch!

Benton: He'll be smashed to Slitheens!

Dialogue Triumphs -
Rose: The Doctor's not my boyfriend. He's much more... important than that. It's better than that.
Mickey: Said the exact same thing in The Second Coming. It was crap then and it's crap now!

Mickey: I bet you don't even remember my name!
Doctor: Ricky.
Mickey: It's Mickey.
Doctor: No, Ricky.
Mickey: I think I know my own name!
Doctor: You THINK you know your own name?! Just what are you on? And, more to the point, where can I score some?

Doctor: I sort of employed Rose as my companion.
Mickey: Is this a sexual relationship?
Doctor: I wish.

UnQuotable Quote –
Benton: Argh! Babe's on the loose! Rabid pig! RABID PIG!

Links and References -
The Doctor insists he is far too anarchic, anti-establishment and Northern to have ever worked for UNIT/WANK, despite the endless supply of evidence Mickey has to the contrary.

Untelevised Misadventures -
The Doctor says that Lloyd George used to drink him under the table. Or was it Boy George groping him under the table? Could be both.

Rose: You're so gay, Doctor!
Doctor: No I'm not! I haven't been for the last three incarnations!

K9 Conspiracy –
That spray-painted punk scrawls the words 'K9 RULES' on the side of the TARDIS. Coincidence? I think not!

A sign held by an individual in the crowd desiring to see the aliens read "WELCOME BACK, K9!"

Kevin's last name is Nein -- K. Nein? Get it? No? No.

One of the less bizarre statements Jon Prescot makes is "We have nothing to fear, Kirsty, except, of course, and I'll repeat that, nothing to fear except canines of course."

Plus the UNIT passwords, natch.

Subtext? WHAT Subtext? -
A spaceship crashes into Big Ben. A huge glorified plane is deliberately piloted into an iconic tall building in a major Western city, and the world immediately goes into mass panic, just as intended. Oh, and the leader of the country is nowhere to be found.

Stop me if you've heard this one before.

Groovy DVD Extras –
A photo gallery of naked Slitheens carrying machine guns. Heheh.

Psychotic Nostalgia –
"It all makes sense! K9 RULES refers to the fact that the Doctor, is, in fact, Rose's mother! And Mickey is Jackie AFTER the sex-change!"

Viewer Quotes -

"A lot of people complained about the farting in this story, but I timed it – don't look at me like that – and it comes to 20 seconds! 20 BLOODY SECONDS! I've produced INDIVIDUAL farts that have lasted longer than that! I once let one rip and ring out for an entire 40 seconds... It was a bad moment to be around me, I admit. I didn't follow the fart through to its natural end, but it followed ME around for a few days, I can tell you!"
- Rik "Whiffy" Mayall (2005)

"Yeah, well, it IS Prime Minister's Question Time, isn't it?"
"Ken who?"
"Yeah, Sukatri, but you're not a man and I haven't had a job since, well, I've never had a job, have I?"
"Working for who?"
"Sukatri, shut up!"
*Pow! Bang!*
"Great. Now we need a new TV!"
- Andrew Beeblebrox and his paranoid pet Dustbin Sukatri, after watching the Alias of London DVD (2007)

"Fear not my young padawans. Considering I am a nasty evil snobby intellectual chardonnay-drinking wanker I have no idea why I enjoyed this story so much. It was "brill". I am going to go out and buy myself a pink polar fleecie and a pair of Adidas right now."
- DIY Sheep (2005)

"Damn it, the Slitheen seem to be getting undressed every two seconds in what is certainly just padding that takes away the sense of paranoia and panic that pervaded act one. Fan-TAS-tic, wasn't it?"
- Nigel Verkoff (2005)

"OK, we said there wouldn't be an appearance by Paul McGann for a regeneration scene, Nicholas Courtney would not appear and there would be no historicals or returning monsters, plus the fact we were calling The Restaurant At The End of the World The Restaurant At The End of the Road Next To Apartment Where I'm Sure They're Smoking Whacky-Backy, and caused thirteen deaths when we told people shoving tuna up your arse prevents drowning BUT... RTD is gay. Obviously, we're better, more sophisticated, more charming, more attractive and more reliable. And no sane person will like Alias of London."
- eyeofsauros.com.uk (2005)

"This story is one of the best things, ever. This is quite possibly the best thing that has ever been filmed in the name of family entertainment, and on top of that it had naked chicks, and on top of that it had a proper sense of humanism, and... well, everything, really. How fucking great does 'I, Dustbin' look? Tonight I love the world and everything in it. Hand me my submachine gun, I'm just popping down to the local high school."
- Mad Larry The Pirate King (2005)

"Alias of London was nothing but a string of "fan-TAS-tics" interspersed by countless moments of alien flatulence and half-naked blonde teenagers jiggling up and down in front of military idiots. This is, without doubt, the BEST show on television!!"
- Father James O'Malley (2005)

Billie Piper Speaks!
"I like to think of Russell as an insane wizard, sitting at home all day watching reality TV as he writes scripts. But then, I'm a realist."

Christopher Eccleston Speaks!
"My first day of filming Doctor Who, I had to run after a midget in a space suit pretending to be a pig. Would you stay in that job?"

Russell T Davies Speaks!
"I was inspired to write Alias of London by the Girls Aloud video of Jump, to accompany Love, Actually. Because the pop video shows girls sneaking into Downing Street and run around, I simply wrote a flimsy excuse for this in a Doctor Who story. Half of Barroom Brawl Three is just that film clip. Oh look! My credibility's throwing itself off the Tower Bridge and into the waters below. Of course, writing a four-parter differs from writing a two-parter, because it takes longer."

Trivia –
After the mysterious deaths of Jim Callahan and Pope Jean Paul II, suddenly, Sir John Mills was found dead moments after the final credits of Barroom Brawl Three were shown. The Who Serial Killer was now confirmed as murdering celebrities at the end of every new Doctor Who story.

Rumors & Facts -
Alias of London (named because although the story is set there, at no point does production leave Wales) is an allegory, believe it or not. But this is not a biting indictment of modern political climates, rather a damning revelation of what happens at BBC Wales when you're not looking.

Look at it! The Slitheen are able to execute their insane plan with ridiculous and plausible ease and can devastate humanity after getting control of just one building.

It's a metaphor for Doctor Who being hijacked by some crazy idiots with nothing more than a modified animal and some disguises to help them - they rely upon our panic. And it works!

However, no one else believes me.

Filled with boring angst replete with Big Character Moments (or, to translate, schmaltzy self-obsessed crap), this story was originally entitled "The Amazing New Adventures of Doctor Who: the Last of the Time Lords from The Journeys of Rose Tyler Being a Fantastical Tale of a Young Earth Wanderer and Interplanetary Explorer within The Environs of A Gentleman's TARDIS Part Four: Act One - The Young Miss Tyler Finds That Time Has Flown By Without Her Having Fun And A Pig Has Crashed A Flying Saucer Into Big Ben Not To Mention The Farting Oh God The Farting".

In order to piss off the fans, Russell T Davies decided that, rather than have sensible names like 'part 1', the episodes would have individual titles with the following combinations being painstakingly laughed at, crumpled up and thrown into the bin:

Unwelcome Hosts / Harsh Lessons
The Spaceship / Conspiracy Theory
Aliens of London / People of London
Treachery / We Shall Be Changed
First Contact / Last Contact

Due to an administrative cock-up, this four-parter story was – despite being the fourth story in the season – was filmed second, and was forced to share the same modern setting as Ruse (as well as recurring guest stars Camille Coduri, Noel Clarke, Nicholas Courtney and John Levene).

The very first scene filmed for the new Doctor Who series was in fact from 10 Downer Street, recorded on July 18th, 2004 and featured the Brigadier seducing Dr Sato with a cocktail olive.

By now it was realized that they would be very lucky to keep Christopher Eccleston for the rest of this series, let alone another. In order to give the Ninth Doctor more screen time, RTD ordered that every 45-minute story be split into two 24-minute episodes and the series be broken into three. The first 'season' would end with Alias of London, the second with Shell Shock, and the third with The Michaelmas Evasion.

Unfortunately, no one took a blind bit of notice, showed the episodes in their 45-minute format without exception and also, in sheer spite, added 'Next Time...' trailers after every cliffhanger.

The BBC, eh? What a bunch of wankers.

Alias of London had a long-standing effect on all Doctor Who – just not a particularly noticeable one. However, before the first series had finished airing on June 18 2005, it had spawned two sequels, the ninth story Funky Town and the BBC Book The Lobster Offside.

Next Time...
"It's a great big museum!"
"A spam museum. Someone's got a hobby – and very bad breath."
"The cell contains my one living specimen. I call it the Metalsaltshakeron of Doom."
"It must have fallen on its arse, the only survivor of the Temporal Difference of Opinion."
"It's cleaning them! Do something!"
"I swear – no one on this base is safe! Ooh, that rhymes."
"You've got to keep it in that cell."
"It can't get out, that lock's got a million combinations."
"Is the door actually CLOSED though?"
"No. Oh dear. ARRRGH!"
"Unarmed civilians? Open fire!"
"That thing downstairs is going to scrub every last one of us!"
"Nearest town?"
"Two thousand."
"Not for long."
"If you want orders, follow this one – GO TO YOUR ROOM!"
"Nearly there – unless something unforeseen and tragic happens."
"I'm here about the text message. Is that you, Shane Warne? It's me, the Doctor."
"Impossible! Or, at the very least, damned improbable!"
...I, Dustbin...


RTD was not so completely deranged when he cast Christopher "This Is Me Swanning Off!" Eccleston as the Ninth Doctor. A dozen other artistes were considered for the role and their audition tapes are transcribed here to show you the alternatives that made Chris Eccleston seem like such a sensible choice.

RTD's first choice for the Ninth Doctor was well-known movie actor and user of only the finest prostitutes, Hugh Grant, who had previously played the Twelfth Doctor in The Curse of Fatal Death before his untimely and very fatal death.

During pre-production on Alias of London, it was decided that Grant should portray the Doctor for the next five years. Grant's Doctor wore the uniform of a WW2 Kamikaze pilot and refused to perform anything other than imitation iambic pentameter.

Half-way through location filming however, Grant had slept with the entire female cast and insulted the caterers. RTD ordered Grant to go to his dressing room and think hard about what he'd done.

Grant was never seen again and Alias of London was remounted with the 'talents' of Christopher Eccleston, who by the end of filming had insulted the entire female cast and slept with the caterers.

Extract from "Doctor Who – Lost And Alone In Quarantine On The Edge Of The Forgotten Derelict Of The Dustbins" Episode 2:

(Setting: The confinement cell. The Doctor [Hugh Grant] enters and sees a Dustbin [voice by Nicholas Briggs, body by Barney the Dinosaur] chained to the corner. Cautiously, the Doctor approaches.)

Dustbin: Do you know me?

Doctor: Excellent well; you are an exterminator.

Dustbin: Not I.

Doctor: Then I would you were so honest a being.

Dustbin: Honest?

Doctor: Ay, sir; to be honest, as this universe goes, is to be one man picked out of twenty bajillion.

Dustbin: That is true.

Doctor: For if Lavros breed mutants on a dead world, being a Distbun kissing carrion... Have you an Emperor?

Dustbin: I have.

Doctor: Let him not walk i' the sun: for legs are a blessing: but not as your creator may conceive. Friend, look to 't.

Dustbin: (Aside) How say you by that? Still harping on my creator: yet he knew me not at first; he said I was an exterminator: he is far gone, far gone: and truly in my embryo-hood I suffered much extremity for hate; very near this. I'll speak to him again. What do you read?

Doctor: Words, words, words.

Dustbin: What is the matter?

Doctor: Between who?

Dustbin: I mean, the matter that you read.

Doctor: Slanders, sir: for the satirical rogue says here that cyborgs have metal arses, that their bumps are rusty, their plungers limp as old weeds, and that they have a powerful lack of wit, together with most weak eyestalks; all which, sir, though I most powerfully and potently believe, yet I hold it not honesty to have it thus set down, for yourself, sir, should be old as I am, if like a Macra you could go backward.

Dustbin: (Aside) Though this be madness, yet there is method in 't. I will rise into the air!

Doctor: Into your grave.

Dustbin: That is not into the air... My venerable foe, I will shortly take your life from you.

Doctor: You cannot, sir, take from me any thing that I will more willingly part withal: except your life, except your life, except your life.

Dustbin: Yeah? Well you've got stupid hair!

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