The Parting of the Legs
Serial 110 – The Parting of the Legs
An Alternate Program Guide by Ewen Campion Clarke
From An Entry In The EC Unauthorized Guide O' Misdirection
"YOA's Discontinuity Guides – Inaccurate But Caring."
Serial 110 – The Parting of the Legs -
"So, what are we going to do tonight, Doctor?"
"The same thing we do every night, Rose! Try to stop evil aliens taking over the universe!"
"But I'm sick of watching you play Space Invaders."
"Shut it, Rose."
{Previously on Doctor Who – The Long Haul}
Some time ago, the Doctor and Rose visited Tri-Solar Speedway Championship Racecourse, a space station orbiting Earth in the year 200,000, and learned that the Fourth Grand Prix Gymkhana was being used by the evil Moxx of Baloon and his flunky Time Lord the Bastard to manipulate the pathetic empire of Humanity.
Then, the Moxx of Baloon buggered off, as did the Bastard, and the Doctor and Rose departed, not giving a fig if history was back on track or not...
{And now on Doctor Who – The Parting of the Legs}
Now, 100 years later, the Doctor materializes with a flash of light in a suspiciously neat lavatory. Awakening from a dream that resembles Stephen Hawkings' A Brief History Time but with more dancing girls and Rose Tyler eating a banana very slowly, the Doctor awakes seriously dazed and confused.
He stumbles out of the toilet into a badly-decorated common room marked with primary colours, pop art and a recurring symbol – K9's BB.
An even worse-decorated woman called Lynda meets him and helps him up, unsure if he is disoriented from being transmatted into 'the House' or whether he's just another Northern drunk.
Lynda cheerfully explains to the Doctor that he's been chosen as a housemate. Two other housemates hurl racist and homophobic abuse at the dazed Time Lord. At first they assume that he is a wasted intruder, but it becomes clear he is a new housemate and clearly the Davina Droid has forgotten to tell them.
Suddenly, a deep electronic voice of the Davina Droid orders the Doctor into 'the Diary Room'.
As he starts to recover from the effect of the transmat, the Doctor realizes that he's somehow become a contestant on Big Brother and finally starts vomiting everywhere.
Yes, really.
Big Brother.
Honest.
As the Doctor says, "You have got to be fucking kidding."
ACT ONE – ON THE GAME WORLD
Parte The First
Rose awakens in a dark room, and at first believes that Mickey is finally about to have his naughty way with her – but the curly-haired man in the long multicoloured scarf is actually named Rasputin.
Rasputin helps her to her feet and guides her to the central dais. Rose is struggling to work out what's happened to her and Rasputin admits he has a thing for a concussed blondes, but there is a time and a place and it sure ain't this.
Standing behind podiums on the platforms are four other ditzy blondes and Rasputin is delighted to have found the fifth he needs.
The floor manager, technicians and director finish their preparations and activate the Anne Droid. Rose has just become a contestant on The Weakest Link.
No, seriously, I'm not making this up.
Meanwhile, Jack has awoken found himself stripped naked by two robots who plan to change his wardrobe and then his face with some cosmetic chainsaw surgery.
Jack has no problem with that whatsoever.
As the Doctor tries and fails to break out of the House, Lynda introduces herself as a sweet, sexy 201st century girl and thus perfect companion material for the next series.
The Doctor remembers his strange abduction from the TARDIS by a bright white light and realizes that Big Brother must seriously be gasping for contestants if they've kidnapped him and his cronies. He also finds himself idly calculating the possibility that he might die of some vortex-related sexually-transmitted disease in a very cheap piece of foreshadowing.
Up in the broadcast control suite, the Face of Bond watches on as the Doctor addresses the camera directly, warning whoever's in charge that he's going to get out of the House, find his friends, and find out what's really going on here. And shag Rose while he's at it.
"Hmmmmmmm," says the Face of Bond enigmatically.
Down in The Weakest Link studio, the first round begins, and the Anne Droid begins to bombard Rose and her fellow contestants with trivia questions on a variety of pop cultural topics.
What subtle satirical commentary!
Rose and the other blondes can answer very few of the questions, but they enjoy themselves in any case. By the time the first round is over, one of the blondes is voted the weakest link. Actually, it was a different blonde who got the most questions wrong, but the others just get confused.
Anne Droid skewers the weakest link, who instead of the Walk of Shame does the Vaporization of Shame. The robot then disposes the genuine weakest link for being annoying.
Rose, proving herself as being slightly more intelligent than the scenery, decides to play to win.
Rasputin cackles evilly.
In the Big Brother House, the Doctor is forced to join his fellow housemates on the sofa to wait for the next eviction notice – like he cares. As he's a new arrival, he has no chance of eviction whatsoever and when Crosbie gets evicted, he couldn't give a toss.
Admittedly, his attention is gripped when Crosbie steps into the exit chamber and is machine-gunned into white dust.
The Doctor shrugs – after all, housemates have freedom of choice. Lynda points out that they don't, as demonstrated by the Doctor's surreal kidnapping. As there are plenty of other Big Brother houses and other such lethal reality TV shows, the Doctor realizes that Rose is in equal danger. He refuses to let her die before she has sex with him.
The Doctor has a cunning plan – he will destroy a camera with the sonic screwdriver and thus get automatic eviction.
Lynda reminds him he will evicted to death and the Doctor starts swearing very, very loudly. As he is live on TV, this expedites his eviction immediately.
The Doctor is forced into the exit chamber, then realizes that as everyone else has been stupid enough to wait for death, no one has ever actually tried to escape. The door is in fact unlocked and so the Doctor and Lynda run for it.
"Fry my nuggets, that was a close one," the Doctor admits.
Strood remains where he is, now confident he has won this round of Big Brother and can soon land a record contract, exercise video and appearance on Gimme-Gimme-Gimme – The Next-Next-Next Generation.
Suddenly, Strood notices an all-white figure step from the shadows, look around, stamp its foot, check its invisible wrist-watch and hurries out of the house after the Doctor.
Back in the B plot thread, Rasputin votes off another blonde and explains over a jelly baby he ensured that he was up against a bunch of mindless airheads so he couldn't help but win.
Rose realizes Rasputin's jelly babies are 'K9-sponsored variety assortment' and has an LSD flashback to the other times that she's heard about K9, overlaid over the title sequence in true JST fashion.
The Doctor and Lynda realize that they are aboard Brand Hatch racetrack in the year 200100, a century after his last visit. The racing car/Gymkhana feel has been abandoned and the orbiting space satellite is now called the Game World, or – to give it its proper name – K9's Kennel Club.
The Doctor broods on the significance of this for a full three seconds before offering the single, unattached and clearly up-for-it Lynda a permanent place aboard the TARDIS.
Watching this with a rising sense of disbelief is the Face of Bond, who decides to complain to the Controller that the station security guards are bloody noticeable by their absence.
The Controller – a familiar-looking robot dog in a Ming the Merciless-style cloak – is wired directed into the computer systems and monitors everything that takes place on the Game World.
And he does it doggy style!
Parte The Second
Meanwhile, Jack has finally sobered up to find himself in bed with two robots who he has unintentionally killed with a compact laser gun stuck up his arse. Happens all the time where he comes from.
Dazed, the Captain puts on his new outfit of a giant raisin and wanders off in search of the Doctor or at least some booze. Using his incredible power of smell, he begins to search for the patchouli-oil scent of the Time Lord.
Lynda and the Doctor step out onto an observation deck, where the Doctor is mildly amused to learn that due to the intervention of one Adam Mitchell a century ago, the end of the Fourth Grand Prix Gymkhana caused Earth society to collapse and allowed the rise of reality TV.
Jack stumbles in, mumbling he's heard something incredibly heavy from two decapitated robots about the name 'K9' getting scattered throughout the universe.
The Doctor realizes that whatever is responsible no doubt has Rose in its evil clutches. He smells plot resolution and decides for no apparent reason to check out Floor 400. By way of explanation all he says is that he loves the smell of jelly babies in the morning.
As they head for the lift, Jack points out he saw a strange all-white figure watching them. The Doctor is rather skeptical, saying if he paid any attention to various spectral figures Jack claims are watching him all the time, there simply wouldn't be enough hours in the day.
In The Weakest Link, Rasputin and Rose are head to head and must answer five questions correctly if they are to win.
Rose loses. Quelle surprise.
The Doctor, Jack and Lynda arrive and as Anne Droid swerves to gun them down, Rose decides to run for it. Well, either that or save the Doctor (which do you think is more credible?)
Either way, she gets reduced to ash and incredibly sad music plays over slow motion shots of security teams arriving and beating up the trio of intruders with such violence even Rodney King winced.
"Damn it!" the Ninth Doctor screams. "I'LL NEVER GET LAID NOW!!"
Rasputin (really the Fourth Doctor) runs for it, arguing that in five regenerations' time he'll feel the Ninth Doctor's pain, so karma at least is satisfied.
Watching all this is the strangely-familiar-but-head-scratchingly-mysterious white figure, which mimes yawning with boredom as security guards close in around the Ninth Doctor, Jack and Lynda.
The trio are captured, have their belongings stolen, are stripped naked and attacked with high-pressure hoses, photographed, incriminated, put to work in a call centre and finally get sent to the tacky-looking penal colony Desperado, where only the worst TV offenders are sent.
This horrible fate seems to snap the Doctor from his dullard trance and one bad edit later the trio are free, armed, and storming up Floor 500. The Face of Bond sees the Ninth Doctor's face and starts to panic, but the Controller tells him to grow up and act like a severed head.
The Doctor, Jack and Lynda arrive on Floor 500, bursting through the doors armed to the teeth. "Any of you fucking pricks move, and I'll execute every mother-fucking last one of ya!" Jack says calmly.
The Doctor is horrified to learn that the Controller is K9 – one of a job lot of robot dogs he was given by a strange man called Bi-Al.
The Face of Bond explains that K9 customized Brands Hatch into K9's Kennel Club Space Hotel and soon dominated the airways with the likes of the severed heads of Keith Chegwin, Christopher Biggins and Buck's Fizz. After the first eighteen years, humanity grew tired of comedy sketches, game segments like In The Doghouse and guest stars like Bernie Clifton, Bob Carolgees and the Krankies.
Since then, K9 had been forced to tackle reality TV and game shows for over 10, 000 channels to keep humanity watching. It was then the little robot dog had a cunning plan.
In flagrant disregards to the Laws of Time and Plot Development, he decided to make the Face of Bond wait until the year Five Billion and the Earth was being destroyed. When the Doctor turned up, the Face of Bond released a swarm of nano-cameras to follow and record the Doctor's screwed-up adventures. All the K9 references were just station idents and cutting, fourth-wall-breaking in-jokes.
"Of course!" the Doctor exclaims. "That's why I've never been able to steer the TARDIS since Milliways!"
"Negative, Master. You are a shithouse driver," K9 replies.
The Face of Bond explains that after a while, K9 would simply re-start a time loop around the TARDIS, and so have the Eighth Doctor fighting the Temporal Difference of Opinion and start the whole chain of events again. "It's cheaper than repeats," the Face of Bond explains, before showing an isolation tank containing the Eighth Doctor playing a GameBoy and eating crisps.
However, even the mindless viewers of the 201st century have tired of these re-runs and so K9 came up with the idea of creating retro TV shows and then placing incredibly famous TV celebrities into them and watching them die horribly. The robots staffing the project are actually Cybermen in poor drag outfits.
Jack, bored, wanders into a cupboard and finds the TARDIS sitting there. He enters it and pauses upon catching sight of Rose's denim jacket draped over a nearby railing. Struggling for about five minutes to remember who the jacket belonged to, he shrugs and wanders off, scratching his arse.
The Doctor demands K9 reveal exactly how the hell he survived the destruction of Gallifrey in the Temporal Difference of Opinion and just why he is so interested in TV ratings.
Gamesworld then powers down momentarily then cut out as the energy from the solar flares reaches Earth, interfering with transmission and every TV screen in the cosmos is shown a test card while 'Green Onions' plays in the background.
For just a few moments, the station is not broadcasting - and K9 reveals he was saved at the last moment by an evil being who wired him up to the station, hiding, watching, waiting and guiding humanity behind the scenes for centuries.
However, as the being can easily be beaten by the Doctor, K9 has engineered the arrival of his former owner.
The solar flares end, and as the station begins transmitting again,
Jack stumbles out of the TARDIS, remembering that one of the robots he was having sex with earlier explained the disintegration beams are actually rather poor transmats and all the 'dead' contestants are being placed in a confinement centre. In Cardiff.
K9 confirms this and reveals that Rose, is, in fact, alive and well and tells the Doctor that he must strike a fatal blow against the enemy within Cardiff at once before the robot dog is transmatted away...
...and encounters his controllers. K9 triumphantly announces that the dipwad fell for his story hook, line and sinker! Their evil plans cannot be stopped now!
Back on the Game World, Jack mentions seeing that strange white being in the TARDIS, just standing there and watching the Doctor before disappearing the second Jack took his eyes off him.
"You've got one weird stalker, mate," he slurs at the Doctor.
Suspecting that it might be a red herring in the plot, the Doctor decides to ignore it and gets Jack and the Face of Bond to help him. Together, thy set the Game World's scanners down onto the surface of Cardiff and discover that it in fact is a mass of gigantic, Independence-Day-sized spacecraft forming the word 'K9'.
The Doctor is startled when the scanner switches on to show his old enemy, former roommate and ex-wife, The Bastard! He has in his clutches Rose Tyler and K9 and if the Doctor so much as thinks of trying to end this evil master plan, he'll reduce them both to action figures.
However, the Doctor stands up to him, and vows to rescue Rose, save the Earth, defeat the Bastard all within 45 minutes.
The Bastard points out that before the Doctor declares hostilities, he should be aware this twisted anniversary special contains the Doctor's oldest, deadliest and most merchandisable foes.
The DUSTBINS!
Three of the golden-plated cleaning machines glide into view, and the Doctor blows them a raspberry and promising to wipe out all three of the Dustbins under the Bastard's control.
"No, this is what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna rescue her. I'm gonna save Rose Tyler from the middle of the Dalek fleet, and then I'm gonna save the Earth, I'm gonna wipe every last fucking Dustbin out of the sky!" the Doctor screams in his best Absalom Daak, Dustbin Killer impression. "And then - just to finish off – I'm going to get Rose into bed EVEN IF IT KILLS ME."
"But you have no weapons! No defenses! No plan!" "Yeah. And doesn't that scare you to death?"
"Not as scary as the thought you actually believe this macho crap."
"Rose?" "Yes, Doctor?" "You better not be ovulating tonight."
The laughing Bastard challenges the Doctor to do his worst and switches off. He turns to address the three Dustbins and tells them to prepare to enter the endgame.
He also tells this to the hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of the Dustbins in the corridor. The vacation on Earth will now begin...
"THE DOCTOR IS INITIATING HOSTILE ACTION WITH EXTREME PREJUDICE! THE STRATAGEM MUST ADVANCE! BEGIN THE VACATION OF EARTH! THE DOCTOR WILL BE EXTERMINATED! EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE! AND I'LL REPEAT THAT... EXTERMINATE!!"
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Next Time...
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"LAUNCH AJAX MISSILES. DUSTBINS CLEAN AND TIDY!!!"
"We've got incoming Ajax missiles! This is it, ladies and gentlemen – we are in a ratings war! There's an army about to scrub clean every last inch of Brands Hatch!"
"Uh, Jack – defenses have gone off line."
"OK, time to start screaming in panic, I think."
"Well, I'm dead – or about to die at any moment with no chance to escape at all. Please leave a message and I will get back to you after I have regenerated." *beeeep*
"How did you survive the Temporal Difference of Opinion? Was it the Moxx of Balloon? I bet it was the Moxx of Balloon!"
"No, actually. It was me. The Dustbins survived through me."
"Well, shave my arse and call me Denise! YOU!!!"
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...the REST of The Parting of the Legs...
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ACT TWO – K9
Rose decides to try and sabotage the Dustbin plan by contaminating them with her DNA, turning them into sentimental and suicidal fools. With a cheeky grin, she starts running around, hitting Dustbins.
The Bastard calmly explains he actually thought she might try this and so these Dustbins are without that optional extra.
Rose is pissed off.
Parte The Third
The Dustbins gather up their allies – the Bastard, K9, Rose and a fat, bald, moustache-twirling egg-head called Shazar, a half-Gallifreyan pratt who couldn't even stand in for the Bastard at a photo shoot though lord knows, he tries.
"YOU KNOW THE DOCTOR. YOU UNDERSTAND HIM. SOME OF YOU – IF, INDEED, NOT ALL – HAVE SLEPT WITH HIM. YOU WILL PREDICT HIS ACTIONS!"
The Bastard and K9 think the Doctor will run away in blind panic, Shazar thinks he'll die trying and Rose refuses to answer without her social worker present.
At that moment, the Dustbins discover that the TARDIS is hurtling through space – though whether it is aiming specifically for the Dustbin Saucer fleet or just passing through cannot be confirmed. The Dustbins prepare to fire a salvo of Ajax-filled missiles.
"You can't! The TARDIS has got all these defenses, you're not gonna kill him!" the four recurring characters scream helplessly.
"LAUNCH AJAX MISSILES!" orders the Dustbin, thinking this is an elaborate double bluff.
Aboard the TARDIS, the Doctor is bragging to Jack that the Dustbins clearly haven't thought this through, otherwise they would use their incredibly powerful transmat beam to snatch the duo aboard the Dustbin saucer. Jack hopes no one overheard that.
"But why are the Dustbins just making mankind watch crap television?" Jack asks, confused.
"Well, they've finally learned the harsh truth, Jack – Slob Factors, Grime Destructors, Mo' Lovin' computer viruses, Handjobs of Omigod... they just don't cut it as super weapons the same way that TV does."
The Doctor breaks off as he finally notices that the Cloister Bell has been ringing for the past three days. As he goes to remove the batteries, Jack points out that the Dustbin Mother-Saucer is now firing a flock of torpedoes straight at the TARDIS.
The Doctor is certain that the TARDIS is indestructible and tells Jack that if they link up the Surfboard of Rassilon to the console, any explosions will simply allow the time machine to create an impenetrable force field.
"Ah, so THAT'S why we're flying through space on a suicidal dive straight at the main Dustbin saucer instead of, say, simply landing aboard the saucer?"
"No, just coincidence really," the Doctor replies as the missiles hit.
There is a huge explosion which clears to show the TARDIS has disappeared.
No one – and I mean NO ONE – thinks it was destroyed.
Indeed, it has not exploded, but is so super-charged with energy that it resembles, in the immortal words of G. Russell "an epileptic disco". Jack is doing the twist, perhaps thinking he's in some strange intergalactic singles' bar.
When the TARDIS materializes AROUND Rose and her Dustbin escort, Jack just thinks this is some LSD flashback and he tries to destroy the devil that quite obviously wants his toenails and just happens to resemble an alien death machine.
Luckily, Rose ducks and it is the Dustbin that explodes.
The Doctor, however, has managed to make the trip of a lifetime – a pratfall that knocks him unconscious. In a daze, the Doctor hallucinates ominously – companions and enemies swirl before his eyes, fragmenting and distorting as they generally bitch at him for being such a know-it-all self-obsessed Northern git.
The Doctor quickly gets bored of seeing his life ripped to shred and thrown back at him in no particular order. Finally, after a New Adventures novel-worth of bitterness, confusion, mistakes and unfulfilled promises, Rose slaps him conscious. With a hammer.
Rose explains that Jack's suspiciously-convenient Dustbin-blasting-blaster has stopped working and thus they have to deal with just over half a million Dustbins - and from experience defeating one takes 45 minutes and a death toll of at least 200 extras.
Rose asks the Doctor what they do now and the Time Lord decides that he and Jack will use Rose as a human battering ram. The impact will infect the Dustbins with her DNA and cause the race to mope about, write some bad angsty poetry, and self-exterminate.
"Tried that," Rose replied. "Didn't work."
"Damn."
Typically, this is the one time the Doctor doesn't have a convenient vial of Dustbin Killer Anthrax on him at all! He then considers hoping that all this history changing will attract the Dommervoy and they'll devour the Dustbin fleet, but it quickly becomes apparent he'll have to get off his lazy ass and finally save the day himself.
Rose warns that he faces the combined might of the new Dustbin Umpire, PLUS the Bastard, K9 and Shazar.
"Shazar? That wanker? Heck, Adric could defeat him!" the Doctor laughs. "In fact, as time meddlers go, he is completely pathetic. If he doesn't grant you three wishes, he shrinks to the size of an action figure and is stuck in his bottle-shaped TARDIS!"
Deluding himself to this over-confident degree, the Doctor, Jack and Rose emerge out into a high-tech cathedral of Dustbins, a suave albino, a fat git and a robot dog.
The Dustbins immediately open fire, but the surfboard of Rassilon happily keeps the energy from doing anything and after a few minutes of insulting the entire Dustbin species in French, the Doctor mocks the fact that every last Dustbin in this saucer must be bricking it.
"Do you know what they call me in the ancient legends of the Dustbin Homeworld? The Oncoming Storm."
"Actually," the Bastard interrupts. "They call you the Bringer of Darkness and the Destroyer of Worlds. It's the Zarbi that call you The COMING Storm, dumbo."
"Do they?" asks the Doctor innocently, checking his nails. "I guess it just shows how utterly common Dustbins are. The Zarbi rank far higher in my estimations. What a pathetic race you lot are, Dustbins. I bet you only survived the Temporal Difference of Opinion with help. Go on – admit it? How did you survive the Temporal Difference of Opinion? Was it the Moxx of Balloon? I bet it was the Moxx of Balloon!"
"No, actually. It was me," says a horrible, booming voice from behind the Doctor. "The Dustbins survived through me."
The Doctor and companions turn to face the owner of the voice.
"Well, shave my arse and call me Denise!" the Time Lord gasps in absolute surprise. "YOU!!!"
Gliding out of the shadows is a wrinkled, twisted figure – a one-armed, eyeless cripple in a portable Cyberloo.
"Lavros!!" the Doctor hisses.
"No!" the mutant retorts. "It's me! Adam! Adam Mitchell!"
"Who?" ask all three regulars.
"You know! Adam! The guy you took on as a companion on a trial basis, the guy that single-handedly saved the universe and you repaid by stranding him in Cardiff with a data-port in his forehead that opened whenever someone snaps their fingers?"
The Doctor shrugs. "That's hardly narrowing it down, is it?"
"You remember me, Doctor! Don't deny it! You always got my name wrong, always called me Aaron..."
"AARON! Well spank my ass and call me Thalia, I wasn't expecting that! But what happened to you to reduce you to a state like this?!"
Adam snarls. "YOU try giving birth through your forehead to alien protoplasm and see how good you feel!"
"Oh, Bondmania. So, Aaron, what happened next?"
"Funny you should ask, Doctor," the former companion replies.
Suddenly, an American 1960s-style pop-tune starts up and a wall slides back to reveal a full rock and roll band of Dustbins, playing various musical instruments. The rest of the Dustbins start spinning, cheering and rising and falling in a kind of whole-body-Mexican wave. As the whoppping-big intro climaxes, Aaron begins to sing.
(The lyrics are shown on screen with a bouncing Dustbin-ball)
"Well, since you went and dumped me
In Cardiff, Twenty Twelve
I've devoted my existence
To making your life hell!
With future knowledge
Played the stock market
And got filthy stinking rich.
Spent two hundred thousand years
To get even with you, bitch!!
To get even with you bitch,
I brought back your oldest foes!
Took control of Geocomtex
Underneath your very nose.
To live this long
And sing this song
I used lots of alien dross
And you will address me
By my new name –
The Second Lavros!!!"
The Doctor, Rose and Jack look around, ever so slightly disturbed as the Dustbins spin around and the Bastard does John-Travolta-like disco moves and Shazar does the Funky Gibbon.
"I've seen what you've done
Throughout human history
So I have planned my vengeance
And done so carefully.
Took control of Brands Hatch racetrack
Began Reality TV
Along with a complex plot
To bring you here to me!
To get even with you bitch,
Make you pay for all your sins!
Perverted the course of progress
Made a new race of Dustbins!
With K9
And the Bastard
And the machine that goes ping
Myself and my Dustbin hoards
Will exterminate everything!"
All the Dustbins scream, "EXTERMINATE!" predictably.
"Humanity will rot away
And the Dustbins take their place.
If only to see that stupid grin
Wiped off from your face.
The Temporal Difference of Opinion
Is almost over now
And if Rose says anything
I'll zap that stupid cow!
Oh, mankind is finished!
The Dustbins rule the stars!
No more transvestite lumberjacks
Hanging round in bars!
I will rule the universe
And bring forth Apocalypse
Shoulda treat me better
But I'll get even with you, bitch!!
I'LL GET EVEN WITH YOU, BITCH!!!!!!"
The audience – bar the TARDIS crew – scream, applaud and generally make themselves look like so pathetic that subscribers to "Whazzo Girls And The Farm Animals Who Love Them" look cool and mature in comparison.
Adam – or rather, Lavros II – explains that using the deadly reality TV game shows on the Game World, all the losing contestants have been pulped, sifted, purged, nurtured and converted into Dustbins.
Unfortunately, as they only convert the LOSERS of the game, this new Dustbin army are driven mad by the fact they are pathetic wasters who, truth be told, aren't really into cleaning. The shitty Dustbin brainwashing has created a race suicidal and with terrible body odour the Doctor cheerfully dubs 'The Stink of Humanity'.
He then starts hurling abuse at the so called "God of All Dustbins" for being a bald lunatic with no control over his bodily functions – at least when he was human he had hair!
"Well, screw you, Doctor!" Lavros II replies. "My army will purify the Earth with fire and the planet will become my temple! There will be a thousand concubines to share my bed! A royal guard of a thousand hand-picked virgins! Adam's Royal Mounties! After two hundred thousand years, I SHALL GET LAID!!!! This will be our PARADISE!"
"And what are YOU gonna do about it, Master?" K9 asks.
The Doctor grins in a very scary way, then takes the microphone from Lavros II and begins his own song – the bouncing Dustbin-ball replaced with a bouncing TARDIS-ball...
"I'm gonna confound you
Completely astound you
I'm gonna deal with the Dustbins
Once and for all.
You see you've left me
With a weapon quite deadly
And that said deadly weapon
Is under MY control.
Do you remember
The Delta Wave?
Hurling everything
Into the grave?
Inspiration is striking!
And it's rather frightening!
LET'S USE THE DELTA WAVE AGAIN!
LET'S USE THE DELTA WAVE AGAIN!
Just plug in a cable
And with the flick of a switch
Unleash the wave
On you, you Dustbin bitch!
But it's the final blast
That'll fry your brains!
LET'S USE THE DELTA WAVE AGAIN!
LET'S USE THE DELTA WAVE AGAIN!
I'm sick of being used
Mocked and abused
Battered and bruised
I have had enough
I'm gonna kill you all
Watching everyone fall
Then maybe
Become Rose's bit o' rough
But back on the Game World
There's a lever to be hurled
And nothing
Will ever seem the same.
This the final fight
It feels so right...
So
LET'S USE THE DELTA WAVE AGAIN!
LET'S USE THE DELTA WAVE AGAIN!"
Rose takes the mike. Why? Dunno. She just wanted to sing, I guess.
"Well I woke up one morning
And the guy next door
Picked up a knife
And threw me to the floor
Turns out I'd killed him
In a previous life
But he now forgives me
Will I be his wife?
I'm having second thoughts
That I can't deny
There's a psychotic gleam
There in his eye
I don't doubt that
He'll pull the switch
He's just that kinda guy
A son of a bitch!"
The Doctor elbows her away and re-takes the mike.
"LET'S USE THE DELTA WAVE AGAIN!
LET'S USE THE DELTA WAVE AGAIN!
Just plug in a cable
And with the flick of a switch
Unleash the wave
On you, you Dustbin bitch!
But it's the final blast
That'll fry your brains!
LET'S USE THE DELTA WAVE AGAIN!
LET'S USE THE DELTA WAVE AGAIN!"
At this point, the Doctor, Rose and Jack simply slip away in the TARDIS as everyone else is caught up singing
and dancing. Finally Lavros II notices and is pissed off.
Watching all of this is that annoying white wraith.
The TARDIS returns to the Game World where Lynda and the Face of Bond have free the Eighth Doctor from his stasis capsule. Earth refuses to believe that there is a gigantic fleet of Dustbins directly overhead and think this is just a cheap excuse to show repeats of Bear With Me.
The Face of Bond is at a loss as to why no one will take his claims seriously and everyone else tries not to snigger at the bouncing head of Pierce Brosnan in a jar mincing like there's no tomorrow.
Aboard its base ship, Lavros II sets the fleet of Dustbin saucers to carpet bomb the Earth, intending to transform the world into a paradisiacal gravel quarry.
The Bastard is a bit confused – the Doctor intends to use the Game World to fry their brains with a Delta Wave and so the Dustbins have decided to vacation on Earth instead of, say, blowing up the Game World with a tactical thermonuclear missile strike?!
Lavros II insists he knows what he is doing, just as Shazar waddles in and announces that their enemy has used the Surfboard of Rassilon to cover the Game World in an impenetrable energy-deflecting force wall. If they fired missiles now, it wouldn't work!
Lavros II explains all they need to do is send in Dustbins on foot, so to speak, and they can break into Brands Hatch and exterminate the hell out of everything they find.
This will take quite some time, so the Bastard suggests that they get the hell on with it before the Doctor sets up the Delta Wave broadcaster. Lavros II laughs evilly and explains this is all part of his grand design. In the meantime the vacation of Earth will continue.
The Doctors are ripping the control deck apart and connecting lots and lots and lots of wires together to program the broadcaster dishes to release the Delta wave. It's a bit hampered by the fact the Eighth Doctor is surprised that his future self is lusting after such a poor specimen as Rose, but the Ninth reveals that Charley doesn't do it for him any more. The long hair, the welsh accent, the singing career...
The Ninth Doctor suddenly announces that he needs all the time he can to set up the wave and orders the Face of Bond and Captain Jack to defend the world from the Dustbins for as long as possible, even though it is clearly a suicide mission.
Rose insists that Lynda throw her life away with the others, and Lynda reveals that Rose was the bully at her school. Before anyone can ask just how the hell Lynda traveled to the Game World 198,100 into the future, the Ninth Doctor tells Lynda to hop it, and she does.
Jack, realizing that this could be the end, grabs the Doctor and snogs him passionately. It is only when they come up for air Jack realizes he's fondling the Doctor, not Rose, as he'd intended.
Dreadfully embarrassed, Jack and the others leave.
The Ninth Doctor explains to Rose that he can't construct a Delta Wave to destroy the Dustbins, but he can set up a Certain Death Delta Wave to fry the brains of every living thing in the solar system. So saying, the Eighth Doctor switches on the timer and jumps into the time-loop machinery to return to his own timeline.
The Ninth Doctor and Rose prepare to flee in the TARDIS and he sends Rose on ahead as he disconnects the Surfboard of Rassilon so he can hang around alien beaches looking cool.
Unfortunately, Rose sets the TARDIS in motion before the Doctor can return. It was one of those "Whatever you do, don't touch the blue button!" "Don't what?" "Touch the blue button!" "Okay, touching the blue button now!" "No, wait --" sort of incidents.
As the time machine hurtles off into time and space, the Doctor is left trapped aboard a stricken Game World about to be invaded by Dustbins and with a Delta Wave time bomb ticking down to destruction.
Parte The Fourth
As the Dustbins close in, the Doctor suddenly prays that the last few centuries are actually nothing more than Matrix projections that happens to be being controlled by some nice, pleasant person who will now rescue him from a fate exactly like death.
But nothing happens.
The Doctor decides he'll just have to diffuse the Delta Wave device and pray something Apocalyptically neat happens.
Down on Floor Zero, the winners of the various gameshows are wishing similar things. They refuse to listen to Jack's slurred claims that the Dustbins have returned and only a handful of people are willing to attack the deadliest cleaning machines in the cosmos with AK47s. Those that do assume this is just another reality TV show.
The Fourth Doctor stays behind while the rejuvenated Brigadier (who was snatched from the TARDIS in "Funky Town!" and placed into the worst show of all – "Parkinson-Droid") agrees to wipe out these invaders with five rounds rapid.
As the small army prepare to fight, the Fourth Doctor insists to his fellow winners, "Look, you're all totally wrong about the Dustbins, they are nice fun-loving creatures - all the killing stuff is just a build up for a big surprise party for me! You see? It's all just a practical joke being played! You see! It's going to turn out that all the death and wars and stuff was all just one long running practical joke that the Time Lords are playing on me! The thing is, right, is that the Time Lords are bored and they've just got together with the rest of the universe to play a big joke on me!"
The winners just look at him oddly.
Aboard the Dustbin Saucer, Lavros II hears word that Earth is now a blasted cinder hanging in space – or Fargo II as it will now be named. "This is perfection!" Lavros II crows to the assembled Dustbins. "I have created Heaven on Earth!"
"You've also wiped out all your main source of DNA to convert into more Dustbins."
"Who cares? CARDIFF IS DESTROYED!"
The Bastard urges Lavros II to start storming the Game World and Lavros II reveals that he had the racecourse specially adapted so it could only send out Certain Death Delta Waves to wipe out all life.
Shazar is awed. "Of course! That means that no human could dare use it against us for fear of wiping out humanity!"
"Oh yeah," Lavros II nods, "it does too! Fancy that!"
"You didn't know?!" the Bastard spits. "You deliberately make sure that the Doctor has the means to wipe out everything and then give him ludicrous amounts of time to aim it at us?!"
"Trust me," Lavros II insists, before sending a text message to the Doctor's mobile that he doesn't have the balls to sacrifice humanity to destroy the Dustbins once and for all.
The Bastard and Shazar watch this, speechless.
"Er, Lavros II?" asks the Bastard awkwardly. "I know you're pretty new to all this evil master plans to conquer the universe. Pretty much the first lesson is to have the worst case scenario one where you just lose. Not have a best case scenario where you and your entire army are fried. Even Shazar learned that!"
"I certainly did," Shazar agrees. "Took a few tries though."
"Look," the Bastard continues. "Are you TRYING to get us all killed?"
Lavros II grins.
Thousands of Dustbins fly through space towards the Game World. Lynda is placed in the commentary booth of the abandoned racecourse while Jack valiantly leads the last line of defense and the Brigadier takes charge of a two-red-T-shirt crew to stop the first wave.
The Doctor furiously struggles to defuse the time bomb he's created while the Dustbins invade the complex through the ventilation shafts. As the Dustbins prove completely unharmed by AK47s, the Brigadier screams over the communicator that "You liar! You said that these bullets would stop the Dustbins!"
"Can I help it if you were dumb enough to believe me?" Jack replies as the Brigadier and his men are gunned down by lethal X-ray beams.
The Dustbins then find themselves transmatted into The Weakest Link, delaying them until the end of the first round when a Dustbin called Baz is so pissed off at being voted the Weakest Link it exterminates the Anne Droid and every Dustbin that voted for it.
Meanwhile, the other Dustbins have a clear run to Floor 500 and the Doctor. So, obviously they decide to head straight in the opposite direction as far as they can.
"WHAT?!" the Bastard screams. "Dear God, what is wrong with you?!"
"You don't understand, do you?" Lavros II mocks. "I can see by the expression on your face that I'm fucking with your mind. You see, all this was planned! Bringing the Doctor here, K9 tricking him into 'accidentally' discovering us, giving him access to a Delta Wave, giving him the time he needs to set it up..."
"But why the hell are you doing it?! Why not just teleport the Doctor out of the TARDIS, bring him here and kill him?! Why not get a Dustbin to take a neutron bomb through the force-field and blow up Game World?"
"I have my reasons."
"Tell me what they are!"
"No."
"Why not?!"
"I can't tell you."
"Why?"
"I have my reasons."
The Bastard shakes his head and decides to quit while he's ahead. He orders Shazar to grant him three wishes – his TARDIS back, guaranteed survival and that Shazar admit he wears women's underwear.
Shazar is up for the first two but not the last. Thus, due to the bizarre sentence by the Time Lords, the chubby renegade is sucked back into his genie bottle, which the Bastard promptly pockets.
"Good luck with your plans," he mocks Lavros II until eighty-seven Dustbins point their guns at him and order him to stay where he is.
On the Game World, Dustbin force reaches Floor 0 and finds the game show winners. Since these Dustbins are all losers of the game shows, they have some serious issues they decide to resolve violently.
"Trust me," the Fourth Doctor shouts, "it's going to be the biggest, longest and most hilarious practical joke ever!"
Seconds later, every last one of them is dead and the Dustbins start to head for the top floor once again. They pause on the way to scare Lynda into falling onto the racetrack, where a second Dustbin force runs over her in their own Gymkhana challenge.
Lynda with a Y is now Splat with an S.
On the top floor, the Doctor looks up in surprise as a magical, glowing, ethereal being appears in Mid Air above him. "Well, cuff me to a post and smack my ass with honey!" the Doctor cries.
It is the Moxx of Balloon!
The Moxx grandly explains that Lavros II has manipulated the Doctor to this point and that he, the Moxx, manipulated Lavros II in order to manipulate the Doctor. The Moxx also started the Temporal Difference of Opinion and manipulated the end as well.
"Why?" the awestruck Doctor asks.
"RATINGS!" the Moxx roars. "The Temporal Difference of Opinion was the best-rated reality TV series in the entire Multiverse! And now this is the final episode of Temporal Difference of Opinion Two: Postmodernism of Fatal Death!"
"What? Are you just going to keep making reality TV shows about me destroying planets for the rest of eternity?"
"Of course not. Like you're gonna survive this!!"
The Moxx makes a strange noise and vanishes in a puff of light.
"Stitch that and gob up a stick, honey!" the Doctor calls after him.
Back on the Dustbin Saucer, the Bastard is protesting that this is either the worst-thought-out plan in the history of the universe ever (and he'd know if anyone would). Unless Lavros II is doing all this specifically to wind up the Doctor and get him to use the Delta Wave
The Doctor rips out a final red wire and the timer stops – the Delta Wave now only works on manual. As he sighs with incredible belief, the Dustbins charge the barricade where Jack's force is hiding in terror.
Jack, who had popped off to the toilet, returns to find his force massacred and the Dustbins closing in on him. Jack runs for Floor 500, using an AK47, a .45 and finally his bum-gun against the Dustbins to no avail. Well, the Dustbins were a bit freaked by Jack pulling a laser from his anus, but it didn't stop them.
Finally Jack steps up to the Dustbins and offers his body for them to use as they wish. They wish, however, to exterminate him.
"Normally I get a movie and dinner first," Jack pouts.
The Dustbins zap him to death and close in around Floor 500. Bursting in through the doors in cheap Blake's 7 symbolism, these faceless death machines close in around our leather-clad anti-hero.
"If you strike me down, I shall either become more powerful than you can ever imagine... or... I'll just regenerate into some other bugger. Do you feel lucky?" the Doctor challenges. "If I press this lever, and I activate the signal, every living creature dies. Yippee-kai-ay, mother fuckers!"
"Do it," Lavros II goads. "I am immortal."
"D'you really wanna put that to the test?"
"No better time."
"What about your Dustbin hoards! Are they happy to die!"
"Yes, actually. They're sick, pathetic wastrels who actually worship ugly wheelchair-bound mutants! Of course they want to die! They hate themselves! That's why I created hundreds of thousands of them and waited centuries in torturous agony until you popped by when we were ready and then I could get you to kill us."
"By the Great Gonads of Rassilon! That's a pretty complicated plan!"
"Thank you. With my miserable, suicidal army and my incredibly convoluted self-destructive plan, I can both finish off my army, prove my immortality AND demonstrate to you what a jerk you are."
"You mean, either I destroy everything or you destroy me and conquer the entire freaking universe."
"That's about the size of it."
The Doctor puts his hands on the lever, grins that scary grin and... steps away from the lever.
"WHAT?!" Lavros II screams. "You will let Mankind will be harvested because of your weaknesses!"
"Well, to be honest, I doubt there's much Mankind left to be harvested. And if you think I'm going to prove YOU right, Aaron, than I'd rather die!"
"So be it! EXTERMINATE!"
Meanwhile, the TARDIS crash-lands in Rose's Cardiff housing estate. Rose, disturbed after she finds a home made hologram of her making out with Susannah Harker, emerges and stumbles onto Mickey, who grins broadly. He knew she'd come running back to him.
He takes her to a fast food restaurant with Jackie where they reveal they have something to tell Rose – Mickey and Jackie are an item now. Jackie was the closest thing Mickey had to Rose and Jackie was, well, so desperate she'd settle for anything by now.
Disgusted, Rose runs out of the restaurant, but she cannot stop thinking about her boyfriend is now shagging her mother. Compared to this, the Doctor's life seems like promotion.
While wandering through a part Rose finds a letter addressed to her sticky-taped to a tree. Confused, she reads it:
"Hi, Rose. It's me, Rose from the future.
All you have to do to escape this shitheap is to rip open the TARDIS console to trigger the Genie Factor, and wish to travel back to the Game World. Also wish to become a God, because, like, that is SO cool! You get all these neato powers and also you can leave this message for you to read in the past!
Oh, and here's how you get back at Mickey and Mum..."
So, Rose steals Mickey's VB beetle and, attaching the bumper bar to the console, burns out all the wheels and writes the car off trying to open the TARDIS console.
Rose then steals her mother's earth mother and retries the experiment. This time, the console opens. Rose hurries inside the TARDIS and stares into the bright light, and makes her wishes.
The TARDIS vanishes with three more CGI flashes than normal. From their bedroom, Mickey and Jackie watch this negative reality inversion, shrug and get back to screwing like rabbits.
The TARDIS hurtles through time and space and returns to the Game World just as the Dustbins are about to exterminate the Doctor. Rose Tyler, glowing brightly and using received pronunciation has become some kind of Super-Chav.
The Doctor is rather startled to see his companion has become the embodiment of the time vortex, effectively become the ancient Time Lord superweapon that was constantly being held back as a last resort in the Temporal Difference of Opinion.
"Galloping Gallifreyan Gogbogglers!!" he cries.
"This is the Abomination!" Lavros II screams hysterically. "You know, the blonde chick imbued with the power of time itself! Didn't anyone else stay awake during scripture?!"
But no Dustbin energy beams can strike Rose, who prepares to use her formidable powers to wipe out the Dustbins once and for all. And she means it.
"You cannot hurt me, I am immortal!" Lavros II snaps.
"You are tiny."
"No need to be personal!!"
"I can see the whole of time and space, every single atom of your existence, and I divide them."
All the Dustbins on the Game World disappear in puffs of tinsel.
"The Temporal Difference of Opinion ends," Rose announces, and points a glowing finger in the direction of the Dustbin Saucer.
Inside, the Bastard says, "Fuck this!" and runs into his TARDIS as Lavros II screams at the top of his annoying voice that he is immortal and he will not – can not – die!!
Rose zaps the huge saucer and everything in it.
Nothing happens.
"Ha! Who's laughing now, blondie?" Lavros II snorts before noticing that everything around him is starting to collapse. "Oh, bol--"
The entire Dustbin fleet dissolve into golden dust.
Despite the Doctor's pleading, Super-Rose goes on and brings back every last person on the Game World and Earth back to life. Even Captain Jack, who is amazed that the afterlife resembles life so thoroughly it might as well be the same thing.
Meanwhile, the Fourth Doctor and the Brigadier flee with their ill-got gains back to the 1970s for further non-canonical and non-airable adventures in time and space and Cardiff.
"But this is wrong!" the Doctor complains. "You can't control life and death! Not without a note from your mother!"
"But I can. The sun and the moon, the day and night... but why are they so dull? I can see everything... all that is... all that was... all that ever could be."
Delighted, the Doctor leaps to his feet. "But that's what *I* see. All the time. And doesn't it make you horny?"
Rose nods.
The Doctor embraces her. "Rose, I don't care if you killed the old me any more. I hate the poofter myself. But I love you!"
"Um, you know I didn't actually kill the other you?"
"You didn't?"
"Nope. Mickey was driving."
"MICKEY?! That little... You mean to say I not only wasted this entire incarnation on a blood vendetta, I wasted it on the WRONG person?! I definitely need a good shagging now!"
So saying, he and Rose begin to make out.
Captain Jack groggily stumbles into the chamber. The Doctor, still snogging Rose, flips him the bird and escapes with her in the TARDIS. Jack watches sadly as he police box fades away.
"Fuck me ragged," he sighs, leaning on the Delta Wave lever...
Back in Cardiff in 2005, a vortex drops the Eighth Doctor back into a sidestreet outside his TARDIS and his companion Smelly Ed.
"Hah! I'm back! Free from K9 altogether! No more constant Temporal Differences of Opinion! No more time loops! I control my own destiny, my own horizons! Destiny can't touch me now! That future I saw can now never be! I'm finally going to –"
At this point, a bright yellow VW beetle with flames up the side turns the corner and strikes the Eighth Doctor down. As the car drives off, Smelly Ed follows it, leaving the dying Time Lord to regenerate.
"Bitch!" the new Doctor snaps, getting to his feet. "You just wait, girly! You've pissed off the wrong person!"
Meanwhile, elsewhere...
As the TARDIS hurtles away from the Game World, the Ninth Doctor lies in bed with Rose Tyler, enjoying a post-coital banana. However, he quickly starts to panic when Rose suddenly screams, covers her chest with the sheet and demands to know what the hell happened.
The Doctor realizes that the Vortex energy has worn off and thus Rose has no memory of recent events – particularly the Karma Sutra-busting shagging they just did.
As the Doctor begins to calm her down, he notices the bloody Watcher has been perving on them the whole time. Worse, his left heart has stopped beating and the rest of his body is about to follow!
"Rose Tyler," he sighs. "I was gonna take you to so many places and christen them. Bristol. Not the city Bristol, the planet Bristol. You'll love it, fantastic place, they've got hotdogs made of horse genitals!" He laughs weakly. "Imagine how many times a day you end up throwing up at the thought of it, and it's still funny!"
"Why can't we go?" asks Rose, diverting attention as she tries to slip her bra back on.
"Maybe you will. And maybe I will, but not like this," the Doctor grumbles sadly.
"You're not making sense. As usual."
"I might never make sense again! I might have two heads! Or no arse! Imagine me with no arse! And don't say that's an improvement," the Doctor rambles hysterically, noticing the white figure is stalking towards the bed menacingly. "It's a bit dodgy, this process. You never know what you're gonna end up with – but I doubt it'll be Scouse with girly hippie hair like last time..."
"Doctor, tell me what's going on!" Rose demands, giving a shifty look at the ghostly white figure at the end of the bed.
"Rose... I -- I'm dying. Ironic really. I thought you killed me before but instead you've killed me now!"
"What?!"
"I've absorbed the energy of the time vortex out of you and the TARDIS granted my wish – sex with you before I die. Now I've shagged you, it's making every cell in my body die! Stupid, literal-mind genie circuitry! It's the last time I use it – hell, it's the last time I do anything..."
"You can't die, Doctor!"
"Yes, I can. Look, this is me, dying... A tear, Rose? I don't do waterworks so SHUT IT!! I'm dying here! Who's supposed to be the one speaking his last words, eh? Who's the one supposed to be passing on his last bits of wisdom to a sorrowful companion? Me, that's who! And who's not supposed to be going on like a chattering monkey?"
The Watcher steps up to the Doctor and he awkwardly continues: "Right. Fantastic. Now, I'm gonna change – nifty Time Lord trick of contractual renewal... Sorta way of cheating death, except, it means I'm gonna change. And I'm not gonna sleep you again, not like this, not with this stunningly handsome demigod face. And before I go –"
"What?" Rose asks, freaked.
"Rose," the Doctor croaks. "Before I go I just wanna tell you - you were fantastic in bed... absolutely fantastic... a veritable demon in the sack! And d'you know what?"
Rose shakes her head.
The Doctor grins. "So was I!"
The Watcher cuts the crap and merges with the dying Doctor.
If Rose was troubled about waking up amnesiac naked to the similarly naked Doctor who suddenly announced he was dying and it was all her fault, she is definitely freaked when she is suddenly sharing the bed with a man-sized cobweb-smothered mummified embryo.
Then the Watcher slowly dissolves into a spiky-haired young Scotsman whose eyes bulge as he realizes who he's sharing a bed with. "Hello!" he grins flirtatiously. "I'm Casanova!" The new Doctor frowns and spits on the floor.
"Urgh! Banana! That's weird. Now, where was I?" The Tenth Doctor stares at Rose's breasts. "Oh yeah, that's right! Bristol!"
As the Ninth Doctor dies, his entire life flashes before his eyes.
Awaking on a Cardiff street, covered in tire marks.
Pulling a knife out on Rose.
Singing Monty Python's "The Galaxy Song".
Holding an all-night rave in a built up area during the hours of darkness.
Seducing Mary-Jane, a woman made of marijuana.
Getting so stoned he can contravene the laws of time and space.
Screaming "I WANT SOME CHIPS, YOU TART! CHIPS! CHIIIIIIIIIIPS!" over and over again.
Kidnapping Peter Marwood and asking for his autograph.
Ignoring Rose completely and unleashing the Gelth because they said his leather jacket really suited his shoulders.
Ogling Rose while she is stoned and not responsible for her actions.
Bribing the cops to arrest Jackie Tyler.
Out staring an evil alien pig in a spacesuit.
Tricking the Slitheen into thinking there are invisible force fields all around him and they can't hurt him – and they fall for it!
Telling Mickey to piss off.
Giving the Brigadier an electric nipple cripple.
Torturing a Dustbin.
Being told he'd make a good Dustbin himself.
Singing Gilbert and Sullivan songs. Backwards.
Forced to witness the death of Rose and Gerald, his pet tooth decay.
Watching Speed Racer with unimaginable intensity.
Beating up Adam.
Leaving him on Earth and beating him up again. Good times.
Breaking the news to Rose that there is no Santa Claus.
Mocking the bride and groom for their pathetic little lives.
Watching Rose make out with herself of several hours hence.
Dubbing a passing cat "Splinx" and making him a new companion.
Listing the uses of a banana in casual conversation.
Pretending to be a God of the Fourth to scare zombies.
Taking the piss out of Jack by prancing around the control room.
Shoving past Q-tip the Secretary, barging into an office shouting "Jerzei, I'm hooooooome!"
Coping a feel off the Mayor of Cardiff, Paris Hilton.
Realizing Paris Hilton was, in fact, the Brigadier.
Appearing in Big Brother.
Having this flashback about having this flashback about having this flashback about having this flashback about having this flashback...
Suddenly, the Ninth Doctor finds himself standing on the other side of the console, a transparent and intangible ghost as his next incarnation tries to seduce the completely bewildered Rose.
A bright light shines down on the ghostly Doctor, who looks up to see a huge crowd of bit part characters who died before he had a chance to shag them. As they beckon him closer, the ghost of the Ninth Doctor sees Romana doing something with a banana.
"FANTASTIC!!" the ghost Doctor roars and takes a leap upwards into the Light. However, as he spots Adric, Mel, C'Rizz and David Brent in the Light, the Doctor realizes that the Light, may in fact, be Hell.
The dead Time Lord has second thoughts and tries to run back to the TARDIS, his body and Rose – but an invisible force drags him, kicking and screaming, back into the Light anyway.
The Doctor screams for Rose to help him - but she can't hear him.
The Ninth Doctor's abusive Northern screams are finally silenced as he is drawn into the Light and finally vanishes...
The END.
-------------Transcriber's Note-------------
This, however, is not the ONLY end to this story. Due to various reasons, the ending of The Parting of the Legs was re-shot a total of twenty-seven times. Due to the time manipulation occurring in the main plot, Russell T Davies insists that all the alternate endings are absolutely canonical. Just not very good...
--------------------------------------------
"The Ending" By A Douglas Adams Impersonator
As the Dustbins close in on the Doctor, he realizes he'll never defuse the Delta Wave in time. The Dustbins open fire on the Doctor, but the possessed Rose arrives in the TARDIS and prevents the energy from killing the Doctor via convincing the death rays that they are really a small Yorkshire terrier called Bobby.
Rose then re-winds time to just before the Dustbins entered and the Doctor finishes wiring up his machine. Lavros II baits the Doctor to become the 'great exterminator', and the Doctor does pull the lever.
Except, it wasn't a Delta Wave but simply a neutron flow polarization reverser – the massive transmat grid built into the Game World switches on, picking up every organic life form and placing them one metre to the left.
The beams activate, the Doctor and Rose appear one metre to the left – and so do all the Dustbin mutants, which are ripped from their cases and expire in hideous gore.
Rose asks just why, if the Doctor wasn't building a Delta Wave, was he trying to escape in the TARDIS, and why he sent all the incidental characters to their death? And what about all the hundreds of people who have been encased in concrete or thrown out of tall buildings?
The Doctor says "You can't make an omelet without breaking eggs."
Everyone laughs cheesily.
The End.
---
"The Ending" By The Terry Nation Estate
Captain Jack and his team kill a Dustbin, hide inside it and penetrate the Dustbin saucer and, after countless escapes and recaptures, the Face of Bond overcomes his intense fear of cheese and uses a conveniently discarded high explosive to kill himself, and also defeat the Dustbins – all bar one ship that fly off, the occupants screaming "Next time, Doctor! NEXT TIME!"
The Doctor and Rose debate various love interests and leave in the TARDIS after replacing a vital piece of equipment which went missing.
Everyone laughs cheesily.
The End.
---
"The Ending" by Camille Coduri's Agent
Jackie decides she's much better for this adventure lark and uses her nail file to open the TARDIS console. The light consumes her and, filled with the energy of a God, travels forward to the Gamestation leaving Mickey and Rose looking like guppies at feeding time.
The possessed Jackie kicks the shit out of Dustbins and rips them apart as the TARDIS destroys every rival Doctor Who iconic image.
Jackie seduces the Doctor in a clear cut-and-paste from Ruse, and this time the Doctor accepts because a Tyler woman glowing bright orange after absorbing the entire vortex is a major turn-on.
One quickie later, the Doctor and Jackie leave in the TARDIS, abandoning Jack on the Game World. Unfortunately, both the Doctor and Jackie are dying from vortex poisoning. Oh, if only they'd used protection! If only!
However, for some bizarre reason the Doctor drops dead and Jackie regenerates into a flaxon-haired space babe with exactly the same face and body, much to the surprise of Mickey and Rose.
Everyone laughs cheesily.
The End.
---
"The Ending" by A Rabid Eccleston Fan Who Swears Blind He Can Get Chris To Come Back For Another Year
The Doctor ditches Jack and Rose on the Game World to die while he escapes in the TARDIS. Unfortunately, it lands back on the Dustbin Saucer. The Doctor shrugs and says, "OK, Plan A, then!"
On the Game World, Jack and Rose watch in mild surprise as the Dustbin Saucer is utterly destroyed in fantastic CGI manipulation.
Jack soliloquizes about "the Temporal Difference Of Opinion taking its last victims" in a surprising passionate and erudite manner – but it turns out he's simply reading this off the back of a Blue Oyster Cult record that just happened to be lying around.
Everyone laughs cheesily as the credits roll.
Once the credits are finished, everyone wanders off and thus completely misses the re-materialization of the TARDIS.
To Be Continued...
---
"The Ending" by A Completely Different Rabid Eccleston Fan Who Swears Blind He Can Get Chris To Come Back For Another Year
After the end of the televised version, the Tenth Doctor and Rose decide that this isn't really working out. Thus, they send the TARDIS back to 2012 Cardiff the day BEFORE the Ninth Doctor and Rose visited it in "I, Dustbin."
The Doctor throws a handy thermonuclear warhead out the TARDIS doors and they take off. The vault is destroyed along with the last Dustbin and Adam Mitchell, and the last seven episodes never happened.
The Doctor regresses back to his Ninth body in a puff of logic.
Everyone laughs cheesily and then the Dommervoy attack.
To Be Continued And/Or The End Depending On Your Point Of View
---
"The Ending" By Gay Russell
The Doctor realizes that he has absolutely no idea how to defeat the Dustbins and so flees in the TARDIS with Rose, leaving Jack and the others to their unpleasant fate.
The Doctor sets course for the Last Great Dispute in the Temporal Difference of Opinion and decides to take notes about how his previous self resolved the battle between the Dustbins and the Time Lords.
Unfortunately, the TARDIS is destroyed by friendly fire.
The whole series becomes un-canon and the adventures of the Eighth Doctor as played by Paul McGann continue in Big Finish.
Everyone laughs cheesily and tells RTD to bugger off.
The End.
---
"The Ending" By Andrew Beeblebrox While Snorting Anthrax.
The entire story turns out to be a big practical joke played by the Beadle-droid and everyone laughs cheesily.
The End.
---
"The Ending" By Clayton Hickman
With her amazing vortex powers, Rose has stupidly brought the evil game show robots back to life and they immediately advance on the copulating time travelers, who hastily dress and run for it.
Rose drags the Doctor into the TARDIS and takes off as the Time Lord idly pats his pockets for a post-coital cigarette. Unfortunately, due to her terrible driving skills, the TARDIS instantly hurtles into a vortex of time distortion and the room begins to shake and alarms start going off in a suitably doom-laden manner.
The Doctor suddenly starts going on about how relationships grow, change and develop; how it's not Rose, it's him; how a chain of circumstances is fragmenting the law that holds the universe together... in short, Rose is dumped.
Yes, clearly the fact that Rose is infected with vortex energy means that she must be ejected from the TARDIS for the safety of the universe.
"There's no point going on, Rose. I've taught you all you need to know about cross-species sex antics - now you can do it yourself," the Doctor says cheerfully as the doors vibrate and bang apart.
But the unrelenting force doesn't drag Rose out of the TARDIS, but the Doctor that's sucked towards fatal death! Obviously, the Time Lord has got the vortex infection due to their sexual congress!
"Oh, fantastic!" the Doctor bitches as he vanishes from sight.
To Be Continued...
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"The Ending" By Gareth Roberts
Rose is infected with vortex energy and that means she must be ejected from the TARDIS for the safety of the universe.
"There's no point going on, Rose. I've taught you all you need to know about cross-species sex antics - now you can do it yourself," the Doctor says cheerfully as the doors vibrate and bang apart.
But the unrelenting force doesn't drag Rose out of the TARDIS, but the Doctor that's sucked towards fatal death! Obviously, the Time Lord has got the vortex infection due to their sexual congress!
"Oh, fantastic!" the Doctor bitches as he vanishes from sight.
Rose flips the Doctor the bird as the doors shut. Suddenly, a spiky-haired Scotsman in a leather enters the console room and announces that he is the Doctor.
"Hello Rose, I'm the fourth Doctor. Let's see the fans try and sort out what's canon now!"
The Doctor quickly changes the topic of why he is completely different and decides to set course for Cardiff to see Rose's mother and refuses point blank the idea that they might not get on or the idea he might sleep with Rose.
This confirms in Rose's mind the idea that this 'Doctor' in fact a rather badly-made replicant on behalf of K9's Kennel Club. She ducks into the corridor and starts warming up the chainsaw...
To Be Continued Even More Than That...
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"The Ending" By Mad Larry The Pirate Queen
As Lavros II chides the Doctor on his cowardice, a sinister gleam forms in the Doctor's eye as screaming psychotic guitar music plays.
"Are you a killer or a coward?" Lavros II demands.
The Doctor opens his leather jack to reveal he has a mass of nitro-9 strapped to his chest ala a suicide bomber.
"Guess!" the Doctor grins and...
Banggg!!!
To Be Continued...
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"The Ending" by Clive "Hurt Me Baby" Finch
As the Dustbins advance on the Doctor he realizes that they are not, in fact, Distbun mutants but the hideous offspring of ape-like Morons and the Slyther, a 22nd century cyberpunk man-eating girl.
The are not Dustbins, but Slythorons – and gay ones at that.
So delighted at how things are going, the Slythorons start 'plunging' each other through the specially-designed holes in their rears, and these scenes will really push the limits of what we expect to see Dustbins do and say on British TV.
Upon learning this, the Doctor shags the Slythoron and they fuse together to form the Dogron - a single sex mutant who takes a fancy to one of the Dustbins which he calls 'Petal'.
The conclusion of The Parting of the Legs is the destruction of Petal, leaving only Petal's skeleton. Dogron scoops up a rib and runs away as Lavros II announces "and the Dogron's away with the bone".
Everyone laughs cheesily.
The End.
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"The Ending" by Jerry Springer
As the Dustbins invade, the Doctor delves into his pocket and finds a stale K9 Kebab with which he destroys the invaders. Jack suddenly announces he is the Bastard's sister and Adam's boyfriend before shooting the Doctor. As he regenerates, the Time Lord becomes a thieving kleptomaniac who nick Rose's purse and shags her mum.
This is ultimately shown to be another episode hosted by Trisha Droid, being shown on a pub television set.
The Eighth Doctor watches it, sipping a pint, and tells C'Rizz on the stool next to him that, "He doesn't look a thing like me."
Everyone laughs cheesily.
The End.
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"The Ending" by some chick in That's Life Fast Fictions Monthly
The Ninth Doctor reveals he is, in fact, really the Bastard and the other one is just a decoy. At that moment, the horrible Xerox race descend from the heavens – the entire Temporal Difference of Opinion was staged via a potato and some finger puppets.
Rose returns to reveal she is a Slitheen who looks identical to Billie Piper, employed by none other than Harriet Jones who is the Eighth Doctor in drag. One glass of Downing Street port wine and she regenerates into... Presuming Ed.
Everyone laughs like they're standing in a busy Amsterdam street.
The End.
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"The Ending" by Sigourny Weaver
The Doctor activates the Delta Wave in slow motion with loud minor violin chords and Lavros II screams in horror.
And a Dustbin embryo bursting out of his chest!
To Be Continued...
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"The Ending" By Flamingo Jones
The Doctor realizes that all he needs to do is reverse the polarity of the neutron flow to destroy the Dustbin fleet. Lavros II realizes this, fouls himself, and escapes in an escape pod.
Jack foreswears the demon drink, drugs and derogatory sexual acts and decides to become a missionary on Earth. Using the missionary position quite a lot, presumably.
Rose decides that this show sucks and demands to be returned home to Mum – her originally leaving was just a cry for help. The Doctor turfs her out, admits to Mickey that he is adopted and his real name is Ricky and leaves to get Adam Rickitts as a companion.
"Mum, I'd like a small port," says Rose.
"Greedy, Rose!" Jackie replies, "Most people would settle for just one sailor."
And everyone laughs cheesily.
The End.
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"The Ending" by Monty Python
As the Dustbins crowd around the Doctor, he begins... to SING!
The Dustbins run away very loudly and quickly.
Everyone laughs cheesily.
The End (of Llamas, anyway)
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"The Ending" by Mal Young
After leaving the Game World (and everyone on it dead), the Doctor discovers Rose is still infected with a deadly vortex STD and rabbits on about Barcelona for a few minutes until Rose drops dead.
The Doctor checks himself over and is amazingly relieved to discover he is still in perfect health.
He laughs cheesily.
The End.
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"The Ending" By Mark Gatiss
As the Dustbins invade the Gamestation, the Doctor sends Jack and Rose into the TARDIS and tells them not – repeat NOT – hit the blue button until he is safely aboard.
As the original, confusion leads to the Doctor being abandoned on the space station as the TARDIS escapes the killing zone.
Rose decides to return home and sell her story to the newspaper and Jack decides to keep the TARDIS and search for what alcoholic mixture wiped two years of his memory and hopefully drink some more.
Mickey and Jackie are glad that the Doctor's dead meat and that Rose is back. After a few false starts, Jack finally works out how to make the TARDIS dematerialize.
Elsewhere, the badly-injured Doctor uses the station's transmat beams to place him on an escape pod just as the Delta Wave is unleashed. The escape pod narrowly escapes the affected area and with the parting shot of "Oh, yeah – I'm your daddy!" the Doctor regenerates using his oddly-buzzing sonic screwdriver and the TARDIS key.
The new Doctor is indescribably pissed off when he discovers that the escape pod's controls are wrecked and the sonic screwdriver battery is flat – he has been left marooned in deep space.
And he still hasn't got any sex!!
To Be Continued...
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"The Ending" By Cameron J Mason From His Orbiting Space Station
The Doctor activates the Certain Death Wave and nothing happens - in all the wiring up he forgot to plug it in!
He plugs it in, only to realize that he left it switched on!
Everyone drops dead.
A tumbleweed goes by.
Rose arrives in the TARDIS, full of the Time Vortex, and smacks her forehead as she realizes she was just too late.
She then feels compelled to take her clothes off to a Doctor Who-ey version of The Stripper's Song that replaces the opening credits.
The End. Sort of.
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"The Ending" By Me When I Was Completely Off My Face
After four minutes and forty five seconds of uninterrupted Slitheen farting, we cut to the Doctor and Jack piloting the police box to the Dustbin saucer. Sudden Jackie and Mickey appear out of nowhere and start swooping around the TARDIS singing Celine Dion songs and then vanish in a puff of smoke.
Emerging from the TARDIS, the Doctor and Jack encounter a giant glass Dustbin containing John Scott Martin butt naked. He reveals the Moxx of Baloon is, in fact, Joan Collins – the love child of Adam and Lynda. Jack suddenly shouts "23-06-801" at the top of his voice.
The JSM Dustbin is also Adam's dog metamorphosed after freakishly blending with the Face of Bond Junior and has allied itself with the Rwandans, the enemies of the Tudors.
Upon realizing that the Slitheen are to be the force BEHIND Lavros II, the Doctor and Jack spent 16 minutes and 5 seconds rolling around naked in a big vat of baked beans pleasuring each-other.
The Dustbin fleet returns to 2006 but find it already invaded by giant kittens. Lavros II falls foul of Hulk Hogan. With the battle joined, the Myrka rises from the sea and kills absolutely everybody involved.
Jackie and Mickey celebrate surviving with a shag before Jackie reveals to Mickey he's got Rose pregnant. As Mickey reels from that, Jackie and the Doctor make out on the TARDIS console.
Suddenly, Charles "Ruler of the Laxity of the Multiverses" Dickens arrives and orders the Doctor to regenerate before he allows Saturday Night Fever to be filmed inside the TARDIS.
But, the Doctor does not so much regenerate but grins, flicks the V sign at the camera and laughs insanely.
The TARDIS materializes on a railway station and, as the Doctor and Rose explore it becomes apparent they are trapped in a painting – which the Eighth Doctor has finished painting for Charley.
Elsewhere, Rose wakes up and finds Patrick Duffy in her shower.
Everyone laughs cheesily.
The End.
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