Tuesday, January 2, 2007

Parody # 5: I, Dustbin

I, Dustbin

Serial 105 – I, Dustbin
An Alternate Program Guide by Ewen Campion Clarke
From An Entry In The EC Unauthorized Guide O' Coming Out Of The Shell
"YOA's Discontinuity Guides – Inaccurate But Caring."
{Credit to Cameron J Mason for the angle of all things dentistry which inspired this entry}

Serial 105 – I, Dustbin -

An extremely vulgar and probably illegal text message draws the TARDIS to an underground bunker in Cardiff in the year 2012.

The Doctor and Rose emerge into a chamber full of display cabinets containing alien artifacts, propped up by thousands of tins of spam.

"Blimey! It's a great big museum!"

"A spam museum. Someone's got a hobby – and very bad breath. They must have spent at least fifty quid on this. In Welsh money, that's a bloody fortune, that is."

In a loud, pompous tone the Doctor identifies the following exhibits of the collection...

"Moon dust; chunks of meteorite; that's the mileometer of the Roswell spaceship; that's a Slitheen bra... it's been stuffed... oh, how disappointing; anyway, that huge metal spider is, in fact, a perfectly preserved JackingOff spidership; and beside it is one of the biggest AD&D dice I've ever seen, at least twenty sides to it; that weird, anatomically correct robo-woman is a HeadMaster SV7000 from Kaldor City; and next to the plush "Aliens" chestbuster toy for small children is a clay bust model of supervillian and very bad singer Moby and DEAR GOD, LOOK AT YOU!!!"

The Doctor's tortuous listing of generic sci-fi props comes to a merciful end when he spots a severed "Return"-style Cyberman head in the next case which, for some reason, has a smiley face drilled crudely into the helmet.

"What is it?" asks Rose.

"An old friend of mine. Well, old enemy. Gave decent Swedish massages though, so it wasn't all bad, though that incident in the Arctic in 1986 still gives me nightmares and now look at it..."

The Doctor shakes his head, unable to believe he used to rate such a pathetic bunk of tin wankers as his second-deadliest enemies – but there is no time for such morbid fan-annoying reflections.

Somewhere, something in this collection is alive and calling for a lift to Rigel 17 in return for no-frills fellatio.

The Doctor has, over long experience, learnt that nine times out of ten its just some hapless amoeboid blob who couldn't give decent head if their spawning cycle depended on it. However, statistically speaking, the Doctor probably owes said alien some cash.

The Doctor decides to help the alien in lieu of repaying the debt and Rose, desperate to shut the Doctor up, triggers every alarm she can find. In an unrealistically short amount of time, she and the Doctor are surrounded by armed guards.

"If someone's collecting aliens," it occurs to Rose, "it makes you exhibit A, doesn't it, Doctor?"

"Oh, thanks for shouting that out, Rose!" the Doctor snaps as they are lead away to a cheaper-looking set. "Big help there! I don't think the last two rows heard it – why don't you shout it out loud?!"

Parte The First

JR Ewing, the richest man in America after he bet a drunken Bill Gates he could stick a dart in his temple, arrives at the bunker. He is here to view his collection for his birthday and also to investigate the curious text messages that seem to be emanating from the vault.

A hapless bootlicker is involved in the story long enough to relay such exposition before he complains about JR's ten gallon hat and the fragazillionaire orders him beaten, tortured, mind-wiped and left beside the road with a T-shirt saying I AM STUPID.

JR announces that the source of the text messages must either mean their alien captive is beginning to react to the torture it is undergoing, or that Shane Warne has broken through the security barrier yet again.

This cute chick out of Stargate steps in as head bootlicker informs JR of the arrival of the Doctor and Rose and JR automatically assumes that this confirms his Shane Warne theory. When the cute chick wonders aloud just how anyone, let alone a bollock-brained crap-wit like Warney, could break into the vault fifty-three levels below Cardiff, she gets the stomach-churning reply:

"I'll tell you how they got in – intruder window. Intruder window! That's funny!"

The assembled cast laugh sycophantically.

"Yeah, I'm writing material for the Christmas Crackers this year. Get this one! Why is an empty matchbox better than a full matchbox? Because it's match-less! How can you tell your beautiful teenage daughter has been involved in a fatal car accident? The police come round! And what do you call an arrogant, smiley business tycoon with all the scruples of a pubic louse and breath that could cut through bank vaults?"

"Sir!" the cast replies.

"Oh, you heard that one before," JR is downcast.

JR orders the intruders brought to him for "more surgery", while he examines the new aliens bought at auction by another of his employees, a young Englishman named Adam Mitchell, a guy whose lifetime inspiration was the 2006 remake of Revenge of the Nerds.

JR pulls out a dentist drill and begins to examine the alien when the Doctor reveals that the alien is, in fact, an Andromedan kazoo.

Furious, JR discards the musical instrument aside and demands to know how the Doctor managed to get into his vault.

"Who are you?" JR demands.

"Like you don't know."

"Well, I don't."

"I'm the Doctor," says the Doctor with bowel-shattering pomposity.

"Doctor who?" asks JR.

"Oh, for Christ's sake," the Doctor complains. "DOCTOR! That's D for Dustbins, O for Ogri, C for Cybermen, T for TARDIS, O for... Other Ogri, and R for Regeneration! Doctor!!!"

In desperation, the Doctor shines a torch under his face and starts humming the theme tune in sheer desperation – am I the only one remembering he gave Mickey a CD to wipe all traces of the Time Lord from computer history? Obviously, I am!

Finally, Rose tries to explain the situation. Tries.

"So... let me get this straight," JR says. "We're hidden away with the most valuable collection of extraterrestrial artifacts in the world and you just happen to stumble in on the off-chance that whoever is sending these text messages once lent you three grotzis while you were down on your luck in a singles bar on Aldeberan 2?"

"Pretty much sums me up, yeah," the Doctor admits.

"The question is, how did you get down there – fifty three floors. If I wasn't so amazingly brilliant I'd suspect that the mysterious arrival of a blue police box might have something to do with it. That's funny!" he adds and all bar the Doctor and Rose giggle with mirth.

"You claim that you owe this alien money?" JR continues.

"I don't need to make claims. I know how stone broke I am," the Doctor replies grimly.

"Well you certainly arrived in the right place, just outside the cell – and the cell contains my one living specimen. I call it the Metalsaltshakeron of Doom."

"The metal... salt shakeron... of doom?" the Doctor repeats slowly.

"I thought of it all by myself," says JR primly. "Good, isn't it?"

The Doctor is unimpressed by the rich man's arrogance, bad breath or the fact he seems to have a dentistry fetish, but JR, confident that he's in charge here, he takes the Doctor to the cage to get the alien to say 'Ah' to allow JR to begin surgery.

Adam begs on his hands and knees to be allowed to keep an eye on Rose.

JR and the Doctor descend to the cage, a sealed vault within the vault, where JR refuses to discuss just WHY he wants to go around giving open mouth surgery to alien life forms.

"Go on, Doctor," JR challenges. "Impress me."

The Doctor sings 'I Am The Very Model of A Modern Major General' backwards without tripping over a single word. Everyone is, needless to say, impressed and the Doctor steps into the cage.

JR seals the door behind him, ordering the guards – uh, they have names, I'm sure - not to open it until they can see the Metalsaltshakeron of Doom's tonsils.

Inside the darkened vault, the Doctor sees the abandoned dentist drills, and he approaches the alien, glad to have a chance to kill two birds with one stone. The Time Lord explains all the alien has to do is agree to some initial bridgework, they can both escape in the TARDIS.

No reaction.

"I'm here about the text message. Is that you, Shane Warne? It's me, the Doctor," our hero reveals in one of many moments in this story that make you want to head-butt the wall at the sheer inherent stupidity involved.


"Impossible! Or, at the very least, damned improbable!"

The lights inexplicably turn on in order to reveal the alien is...

...a Dustbin!

A battered, metal waste paper bin covered with spray-painted anarchy symbols, this curious and slightly moronic creature is chained up in the heart of some seriously kinky S & M torture palace.

The Dustbin machine is also equipped with a plunger, optional dusty mini-vac, optional squeegee and a stick that is designed to incinerate large bits of dust but is generally used to kill people in a cheap negative effect.

Ironically, due to torture it has suffered absolutely none of these are working and it's doubtful they could harm the Doctor in any case. I mean, he is the main character for crying out loud and just cause this episode is named after a monster, I mean, are you seriously concerned that the Doctor will die? If so, get a life STAT!

The Doctor sees the Dustbin and panics. Really embarrassingly. He blubbers and begs for his mummy not to shove knitting needles in his ears while making odd clucking noises. Thank God that it wasn't a Special Weapons Dustbin or the Doctor would have pissed himself in fear in front of eight million viewers.

Finally, the Doctor realizes that he is still alive and begins to laugh hysterically before viciously lashing out in a disturbingly convincing Hannibal Lector impersonation – true, he may be an enemy of the Dustbins and must be exterminated, but the Dustbin's text message claiming it is a really hot looking alien with huge lianas contravenes every conceivable trade description act in Mutter's Spiral!

The powerless Dustbin is, understandably, freaked out.

The Doctor begins to do some Strictly Ballroom-style dance steps around the trapped alien and breaks the news that the Dustbins is the last of its kind via the sensitive "Hands-up-anyone-whose-not-the-sole-surviving-member-of-their-species-not-so-fast-Dustbin" method.

The Doctor further explains that all other Dustbins in existence were destroyed by the infamous Blue Midget of Pure Evil, the Moxx of Baloon. He then falls silent, as if he's only just realizing how utterly ludicrous that sounds.

When the Dustbin questions him about the Time Lords, the Doctor is forced to admit that they too were wiped out by the Moxx of Balhoon during the Temporal Difference of Opinion. The Doctor and the Dustbin are the last of their kinds in the universe.

The Dustbin points out that this gives them something in common, which could not only be a great idea for a sitcom but also get them into a late-night informal chat show for the ultra-sophisticated.

The infuriated Doctor refuses - he's not falling for that ploy again.

He activates the S & M torture palace, and as the Dustbin seems certain to be killed, JR sends guards in to cut the power, and as they drag the Doctor out, he demands that they destroy the Dustbin before this story can be padded out into a two-parter.

JR ignores him – he believes that, as the Dustbin is speaking, logically he can now have access to the aliens dental appendages and prepares to operate.

"I saved your life, so say 'Ahhhh', damn it! The only one left in the universe – that makes your teeth unique! And now I know your name... Dustbin. What a stupid name. You are now the Metalsaltshakeron of Doom and you will cooperate with your dentist GOD DAMN IT!!"

Instead of dental surgery, JR ultimately acts out brutal torture with a black-and-decker drill until he gets bored and orders another worker – he probably has a name too – to do it for him.

Adam shows Rose his workshop, a cluttered room full of unclassified alien artifacts and homemade porno calendars featuring badly-photoshopped images of Billie Piper.

Adam was a smartarse who nearly started a world war by hacking the US defense system when he was eight years old and found out the secret UNIT passwords from watching an old 1970s sci-fi drama series. JR's agents found him and put him to work here, identifying and cataloguing the artifacts in JR's collection and keeping him as far away from the rest of staff, male and female as possible.

Adam tells Rose that his dream is to get out and see the universe for himself and then shag the inhabitants though Rose doesn't believe this will happen in his lifetime. Something about his boyish enthusiasm and desire to see her naked reminds Rose of the Doctor.

She asks Adam about the alien in the cage and he admits that he got bored last Wednesday and rigged up a webcam showing the cell's occupant. He does so now for the simple reason it might impress Rose to take her top off and he'd bet his life she's 'going commando'.

For some reason, the sight of the Dustbin being tortured is Rose's major turn on and Adam enthusiastically agrees to pop down to the cage for a quick Dominatrix sex session.

The Doctor tries and completely fails to convince JR that the Dustbin poses some sort of threat - it is the only survivor of the Temporal Difference of Opinion when the Moxx of Baloon kicked the collective arses of every time-active species in the multiverse.

The Doctor tries to make the Dustbins sound even vaguely dangerous by explaining that they were genetically engineered to lose their arms, legs and naughty bits to become the most sexually frustrated little bastards in the galaxy and they focus that bitterness into cleaning the universe. As civilization, by definition, produces garbage, the cleaning robots have become metallic assassins of pure evil.

JR listens to this before he and the other bit-part characters break up in giggles – until he suddenly realizes from this wealth of technobabble and exposition that the Doctor must logically be alien.

Before the Doctor can even try to deny it, he is stripped naked, crucified and blasted in the nether regions by a weird tricorder-thingy that leaves the Doctor gasping "FanTASTic!" in a falsetto.

JR – firmly believing that even if the Dustbin could escape from the cage it would be as dangerous as a paperclip made out of cockroach feces – scans the Doctor with the tricorder and realizes not only does the alien have two hearts but due to the Doctor's regenerative-shape-shifting capacity, has five sets of teeth to work on.

The Doctor realises that JR is so determined to be a dentist he has operated on the teeth of everyone in the base. Thanks to his winning the internet in a game of Snap, JR has done bridgework on every human being on the planet, but this just isn't enough!

This explains the UFO and alien collection – JR Ewing plans to perform dental restructuring on every being in the entire freaking universe and the only being safe is the Dustbin who, after all, has no teeth!

Despite his disgust for JR and his unhealthy sideline in spiced meat products, the Doctor makes another heartfelt attempt to convince him that the Dustbin must be destroyed – even though it no longer has any real reason to break free or the ability to do so.

"I swear – no one on this base is safe! Ooh, that rhymes. JR, listen to me! That thing downstairs is going to scrub every last one of us!"

Unsurprisingly, JR ignores him and prepares to remove the Doctor's front left molar where there is some alien dental decay the Time Lord affectionately refers to as Gerald – his lifelong oral companion.


Adam uses his video club membership pass to get Rose into the cage, but warns her not to get too close to the Dustbin, idly mentioning that the last seventeen people stupid enough to do that ended up being reduced to potato salad - and not the firm, delicatessen type of potato salad either. We're talking the stuff in tins.

Rose tries to cheer up the tortured alien by pointing out it can't be half as pathetic as her friend, the Doctor.

The Dustbin, reacting to the Doctor's name, activates and tells a long and sad story about how it wishes it was a pigeon. But its lifelong dream was scuppered by its cruel uncle who used to beat it cruelly and play countless practical jokes – 'exterminate me' notes on its back, black eye rangerscopes, hugging in 'that very special way' that mummy and daddy must never find out about.

It then spins a yarn that it is in terrible pain and is dying and it claims to welcome death now that its love letters to Charlotte Church go unread and it is under the control of an insane dentist. Worst of all is the fact it will die... a VIRGIN!!!

Before Adam can stop her, Rose French-kisses the Dustbin's casing out of pity...

...and the Dustbin, seriously turned on for the first time in fifty-seven years – unable to dust, clean or tidy, the alien death machine has only its libido to turn to.

All in all, Rose starts to wish she WASN'T wearing a tight white sweater and no underwear when facing tortured aliens. She backs away as the Dustbin pulls itself free, snapping the leather restraints that held it down.

That guy from before (does he have a name? I forget, to be honest) storms into the cage, and scoffs when the Dustbin raises its power-vac towards him.

"What are you gonna do?" he challenges. "Kill me and then alphabetically organize my internal organs?"

The Dustbin thinks that's a pretty good idea and so the endless parade of scenes of anonymous American mercenaries getting cleaned to death begins now!

Rose and Adam flee from the cage, as another disposable American mercenary (DAM) announces a red alert. He is supremely confident that the Dustbin can be stopped by the righteous power of an Uzi sub-machine-gun and so Rose, Adam and another DAM leave in a calm and orderly fashion.

Meanwhile, the Dustbin has cleaned and tidied the entire cage but finds this curiously unsatisfying. It continually finds itself checking its data recordings of Rose in that tight white sweater which seems far more interesting that cleaning up the universe.

Using the tag line from Terminator I, the Doctor is able to convince the stunned JR to release him and allow him unrestricted access to the bunker's computer complex and JR's bank accounts.

You know, looking at the scene like that, it all suddenly sounds a tad unbelievable, doesn't it?

Once fully-clothed and in JR's office, the DAM contacts them and assures them that the cage is escape proof – the door code is ten-million-billion-billion characters long and the Dustbin, still badly damaged, hasn't a chance in hell of cracking the code.

However, the DAM has neglected to actually close and lock the door in the first place, so the Dustbin glides out and logs onto the internet to check its email. Frustrated at the slowness of the modem, the Dustbin cuts the crap and smashes its mini-vac into the screen to draw out energy to repair its body.

It then downloads the entire internet and sits for a few minutes getting rid of all the pop-ups. However, it appears that the Dustbin's sexual appetite can not be sated by all the porn in humanity's data sphere – it still wants Rose and it wants her now!!

It lashes out in sexual frustration and kills the DAM who stupidly neglected to run for his life. A bunch of DAMs arrive and open fire on the Dustbin but it escapes harm by doing some Matrix-style Keanu-Reeves slow-mo bullet-dogding and uses its death ray to wipe out the DAMs while whistling 'Meet The Dustbins' to itself.

JR orders the guards to stop firing on the Dustbin as he doesn't want a single scratch on its casing – apart from the ones he made himself, of course – and the DAMs follow orders.

In three seconds they are all dead and the Dustbin glides off in the direction for Rose, idly wishing it had a bunch of flowers and a megaphone in order to romance her.

JR notes there is a handy plot device fit to his desk which will slam down huge metal barriers whenever he feels threatened, but he never uses them for fear it will make him look weak.

Instead, he orders the bunch of DAMs and lawyers in the vault to find all the guns and alien weapons they can find to intimidate the Dustbin into backing off. Under no circumstances are they to actually fight for their lives.

The Doctor and the cute chick off Stargate just stare at him.

Meanwhile, Rose, Adam and DAM reach the stairwell and climb a flight of steps, laughing in fourth-wall mockery. The Dustbin seems stymied by the stairs.

The DAM politely offers it the chance to surrender and discuss terms while Adam throws stair-related abuse at the Dustbin. "The great alien death machine – defeated by a flight of stairs! Ha-ha!"

Furious at being insulted by Adam of all people, the Dustbin lifts up off the floor and floats up the stair well. "WHO'S LAUGHING NOW, PRETTY BOY? I GOT YOUR ALIEN DEATH MACHINE RIGHT HERE!!!!"

Parte The Second

Adam cunningly suggests they all charge the Dustbin and try to knock it over and, while the DAM does this, Adam and Rose flee as the Dustbin exterminates the DAM like she wasn't a westerner or something.
Rose and Adam rush through the vast storage chamber in the weapons testing facility, where guards, technicians and scientists (all DAMs) are gathering to hold back the Dustbin with their ineffectual pistols.

In a moment of cheap Mills & Boons romance fiction, the Dustbin enters and sees Rose, their eyes meeting across a crowded room.

The Doctor contacts the guard commander to use static cling against the Dustbin but gets the reply: "Thank you for your advice, Doctor, but I think I know how to deal with a homicidal, sex-driven bio-mechanoid cleaning machine out for revenge."

Oddly enough, these are the guard commander's final words.

After fifteen minutes of complete Dustbin carnage, including lots of gratuitous X-ray storms of eternal, soul-destroying agony and a flood of shake'n'vac of mass destruction, the Dustbin runs out of extras to kill and asks a security camera, "HOW'S MY KILLING?"

The Dustbin then addresses the Doctor, explaining that despite using every search engine on the Earth there is no sign of Dustbin life anywhere in range, and without orders, it is at a loss.

In another moment of spirit-crushing stupidity, the Dustbin idly asks the Doctor for an order.

In a moment of even more spirit-crushing stupidity, the Doctor replies: "If you want orders, follow this one – GO TO YOUR ROOM! And clean up that bloody mess you've been making, young man! This place looks like Beirut!"

"YOU WOULD HAVE MADE A GOOD DUSTBIN," the machine replies and then glides off to commit more mayhem as it hums 'Let It Rust'.

Rose and Adam, despite all the laws of reasoning, have survived running into friendly fire fleeing the Dustbin killing spree and are about to escape into level 46 when the Doctor rings her up on her mobile and explains that JR has decided to press the plot device and seal off the vault and trap them with the indestructible death machine.

JR presses the button and Adam trips Rose over so he can slide under the bulkhead at the last second and get to safety. Rose is trapped on the other side and even as she gets to her feet, the Dustbin turns the corner, humming the tune to 'Dust!'

Tearfully, Rose tells the Doctor via cellphone that he should blame himself. This is all his fault. The Doctor snaps that they've had amazing adventures together, and frankly, if she's going to be an ungrateful sow, he'll hang up!

He does so just as the Dustbin opens fire.

Realizing that, not only is Rose dead before he could sleep with her, but also it was a Dustbin that had the fun of killing her, the Doctor rounds on JR, enraged, pointing out that he could have killed the Dustbin back in the cell if JR hadn't stopped him! Now Rose and Gerald are dead and humanity is royally screwed.

The Doctor then blows out his cheeks, admit it couldn't be helped and prepares to escape Cardiff in the TARDIS while the Dustbin wipes out every last human being on the planet Earth.

Suddenly, the screen activates to show the Dustbin – and Rose is still alive. It announces that it plans to steal the TARDIS and go cruising for good times with Rose. If the Doctor tries and stops it, it will exterminate Rose.

The Doctor starts shouting that Rose is his! Did the Dustbin have to deal with Mickey and Jackie and the Nestle Consciousness? No, it bloody well did not!

It hasn't even wooed her with dinner and flowers, but yet still expects a good shag!

"You used to be cool, man," the Doctor spits. "You need emotions to be romantic, Dustbin!"


"Hey, if you need love to get laid, Dustbin, you're a bigger sissy than I thought!"

Adam, equally besotted with Rose, reveals that he keeps a pile of alien weapons and/or marital aids for his own private collection and maybe the Doctor might find a bazookoid or something capable of even destroying a Dustbin.

Rose can't be arsed to go back down the stairs and niether can the Dustbin so they decide to gatecrash JR's office and use the lift. The Dustbin can also exterminate JR for the dentist torture it has suffered while they are there.

As the Dustbin confronts JR and demands to know why he tortured it, JR claims at first that he was just trying to get through to it, to communicate so he could help it, he finally breaks down and admits that he just wanted it to examine the molars of an alien species.

In a heartbreakingly pathetic sequence, JR reveals his entire empire is the result of his bitterness from being thrown out of dentist school for 'gross misconduct on a field exercise' and now his revenge to do dental work to every being in the solar system.

Rose and the Dustbin denounce JR as being unworthy of extermination and the Dustbin announces it now wants something BEYOND either cleaning, racial cleansing or Rose.

This Dustbin will become the first ever Fargo nudist Dustbin!!

Left alone, the hot chick of Stargate decides to get her own back on JR, who is powerless as she begins to remove his teeth with the alien kazoo he so casually discarded earlier. If that isn't a suitably ironic ending to a character arc then what the hell is?

Rose accompanies the Dustbin to the upper level of the bunker, where it blows a hole in the roof to reveal a shaft of sunlight. It then unfolds like that woman's head in Total Recall. Or a particularly complicated Mighty Max toy.

Either way, it reveals the pathetic, tentacled, one-eyed blob that paws feebly at the sunlight falling on its body. It's the most disgusting thing imaginable – and then it takes its pants off.

The Doctor and Adam arrive and the Time Lord raises his newly-acquired sonic hairdryer and prepares to blow the Dustbin into a million tiny pieces. Rose points out that both the Dustbin and the Doctor are changing; the Dustbin is now a sensitive new age nudist and the Doctor is a gun-totting Vin Diesel chainsaw maniac.

The Doctor agrees with Rose's assessment and open fire on the Dustbin but the Dustbin decides to self-destruct with extreme prejudice and utterly wipe out the bunker and everything in it.

Rose runs for the TARDIS and Adam follows as the Doctor tries one last 'you aren't strong enough to pull that trigger bluff' – ironically mirroring his own failed attempt in the Temporal Difference of Opinion.

He changes tact and points out if the Last of the Dustbins destroys itself than the Doctor will be the only survivor of the Temporal Difference of Opinion! He then realizes that if he doesn't scarper pronto he will be killed in the resultant explosion.

The Dustbin closes up, rises into the air and the bumps on the Dustbin's base separate from its armor to encircle it in a sphere of energy.

The Doctor's resolve cracks and he runs for it.

Behind him, the sphere of bumps detonate and a massive fireball belches throughout the bunker. The Doctor flees into the TARDIS and the police box vanishes a split second before the explosion hits.

Inside the TARDIS, the Doctor stabilizes the controls on the console while lecturing Rose on using her feminine wiles on just about everyone they have met on their travels. It has got to stop and from now on Rose must wear a veil outside of the TARDIS.

"And," the Doctor concludes, "if you pick up just ONE more pathetic stray hormonal teenager, there will be trouble!!"

It is then he notices Adam standing beside him and swears loudly.

Book(s)/Other Related -
Doctor Who - Dustbin
Doctor Who - Dustbins
Doctor Who - Dustbin3
Blake's 7 - Dustbin Resurrection
Dustbin Versus Cyberman
Doctor Who And The Hot Date of the Dustbins
Dustbin Umpire: Doctor
"Of Course They Can Climb Stairs, What A Stupid Fucking Question!"
by Terry Nation and Roy Cusack.

Fluffs – Christopher Eccleston seemed a bit like a creature of lies in this story.

For some reason, the lift scene has Billie Piper reading the Dustbin's dialogue and Nicholas Briggs Rose's.

The cute chick from Stargate refers to the Dustbin as a 'some fucked-up Yamama dishwasher!'

Goofs –
The Cyberman head is the design seen in Return of the Cybermen (set in the 29th Century), rather than any of those designs seen during stories set before 2012. OK, so there has been a massive time war cutting the time/space continuum to shreds, but I know a blooper when I see it!

If Adam's job is to collect extra-terrestrial artifacts, why does he absolutely refuse to believe that aliens exist? Is he mental?

Surely the Dustbin would take more than two seconds to review a petabyte of porn, pop-ups and spam?
This has to be the ONLY underground bunker in Doctor Who not to have a handy ventilation shaft to save the day by.

Why is JR's laptop resemble a broken typewriter?

Surely the TARDIS wouldn't let Adam take one step inside it? And why did Rose let him on board? She'd already accepted the Dustbin as her sugar-daddy from now on!

Technobbable -
The Dustbin's "estrogen absorption matrix goes screwy".

Dialogue Disasters -
Doctor: One Dustbin could wipe out this entire base! It's more dangerous than a string of noodles!
JR: Did the Dustbins destroy your home world?
Doctor: Uh, no, that was me, actually.

The Doctor's chilling death sentence to the Dustbin after it suggests hosting a Parkinson-type talk show –
"No, wait. Maybe we could host a chat show. You're right. Yeah. OK. You've got a point. Cause I know what to do... I know what should happen... I know what you deserve – because it's 'Goodnight' from me and 'GOODBYE' FROM YOU!"

JR: I wanted to join the National Dental Association!
Doctor: You just want to drag the National Dental Association down and stick them underground underneath tons of sand and dirt and doodle your initials on their fillings. You're about as far from the National Dental Association as you can get!!

Doctor: The Dustbins are genetically engineered, to remove every emotion apart from the desire to clean things. It genuinely believes in tidiness, and in that sense, the Dustbin is better than you, JR Ewing.
JR: Dustbin?
Doctor: Yes, Dustbin!
JR: Are you referring to the Metalsaltshakeron of Doom? Because if you are referring to the Metalsaltshakeron of Doom, please call it the Metalsaltshakeron of Doom so that we all know what you're talking about.
Doctor: You're really pissing me off, you know that?

JR: I just wanted to check your bridgework!

Doctor: I'm the last survivor of the Temporal Difference of Opinion. I guess that makes me the winner. (long pause) YA-HOOO! YES!! He shoots, he scores!! In your face, Spock!

Adam: I can fight Dustbins!
Doctor: Look, Aaron...
Adam: ADAM!
Doctor: No, it's Aaron. What are you going to do? Throw your Star Wars figurines at it?
Adam: Only the duplicates!

Dialogue Triumphs -
Well, the whole fucking fan base is in love with this scene, so...
(The Doctor closes in on the Dustbin)

Doctor: Fan-TAS-tic! Oh, fan-TAS-tic! Powerless! The Great Space Dustbin! How does it feel!
Dustbin: KEEP BACK!
Doctor: What for? What are you gonna do to me! If you can't clean, then what are you good for, Dustbin? What's the point of you? You're nothing! You're nothing and nobody!
Doctor: What the hell are you here for?
Doctor: Then why are you texting them so much porn?!
Doctor: Well, tough! You're too badly damaged to take out the garbage and your annual free repair scheme is no longer valid!
Doctor: It'll never happen! Your race is dead! They all burned – all of them! Ten million ships burning up like Matt Irvine on a drinking binge! The entire Dustbin species destroyed in one second but shown in slow-motion!
Doctor: I was there! I watched it happen! I've got the T-shirt!
(The Doctor lifts his jumper to show his I SURVIVED THE TEMPORAL DIFFERENCE OF OPINION AND ALL PARADOX LEFT ME WAS THIS STUPID T-SHIRT shirt, which he has been wearing the whole season and is rather smelly)
Doctor: You took on the one thing you could never handle! The worst possible enemy in the known skies! The Moxx of Baloon!
Doctor: Yeah, embarrassing, isn't it?
Doctor: Dead. They burned as well. Bit too much nitro-9 involved, all told. The end of the last Temporal Difference Of Opinion. We all lost. But I swear I was not offside – that ref was a blind tosser!
Doctor: Hey, don't bitch at me about cross-dressing! I got your text message – 'sexy humanoid looking for just about anything to screw seeks non-smoker for lift to the Argolin cluster'. How were you going to pull that one off? Hope it was one of the hardcore S&M bondage freaks from the planet Marinus and play hard to get?
Doctor: Who cares? You're the only Dustbin left!
Doctor: Just telling it like it is, Dusty.
Doctor: We are not the same! I've got a girlfriend!

UnQuotable Quote –
Doctor: ...and so, the Rabbi says to the Dustbin, 'All Hail the Big Talking Bird!' and the Dustbin says...

Links and References -
The Doctor tries to set JR up on a date with Lavros, creator of the Dustbins, who blighted the previous five Dustbin TV stories like a dose of cholera.

Untelevised Misadventures -
There are mentions of several missing adventures where Rose seduced two separate pre-pubescent boys to the point they tried to follow her into the TARDIS, as well as facing off against the "Painted Hooker", another Slitheen family, and a conspiracy on Earth where the Sonic the Hedgehog franchise turned out to be an evil alien masterplan.

Stories exactly the same as these can be found in the 9th Doctor BBC Books range The Streetwise Man, The Lobster Inside and Bad Moon Rising, so now you know what to avoid.

K9 Conspiracy –
"So that's your secret. You don't just practice dentistry on this stuff – you scavenge it!"
"Alien junk has been falling to Earth for centuries. All it took was the right mind to use it properly. The advances that I've made from alien technology, you have no idea. Pet Rocks? Ogri. New Coke? Usurians. Broadband? K9."

During this episode, the Geocomtex website lists under its PRODUCTS section K9 Comet Crackers, "a delicious and chunky family snack full of goodness-knows-what".

Subtext? WHAT Subtext? -
The Dustbin now knows everything on the internet. That means it is now familiar with such things as Carry On film trivia, "furry" fandom, and how to train a Japanese rabbit to balance small objects on its head.

Pity it's an uncontrollable death machine.

Bet it would do great on Sale of the Century.

Groovy DVD Extras –
Even MORE shots of the Dustbin being tortured with a black and decker drill as JR screams, "I've got a question for you, Dustbin - Is it safe?! Is it?! IS IT SAFE?!?!"

A cut shot of the Dustbin spotting Lavros' mummified corpse in a display case and sobbing manfully.

Psychotic Nostalgia –
"This new series is brilliant. Unashamedly brilliant. My torture chamber's feng shei is totally sorted out now that I took tips from JR's S & M chamber of pain. This is television that MATTERS!"

Viewer Quotes -
"Robert Shearman's wider career may be continuing an upward trajectory, one that will preclude him from contributing any more to this televised series for some time. For all that, his audio work and this single story marks him out as one of the finest writers in the history of Doctor Who. This is raw and emotional, something that's even got national newspapers talking about metaphor and deeper themes."
– Rob Shearman's agent (2005)

"I preferred Barroom Brawl III. Less Nigel Verkoff in it. And The Presuming Ed. Lot better. No Nigel Verkoff at ALL." - Andrew Beeblebrox, Nigel Verkoff's flatmate (2005)

"Rob Shearman's script actually makes you feel sorry for the Dustbin, though the incidental music has a lot to do with that. Playing My Friend The Chocolate Cake's 'John Elliot's Nose' over scenes of thousands of guards being slaughtered in cheap negative effects. It would take a very unusual mind to think that up."
- Richard O'Brien (2005)

"Dude, the bit with the Cybermen head in a glass case. True brilliance. A moment in culture with no comparison of any sort. Everything after that was a waste of film, though." – Dave Restal (2005)

"This new Doctor Who is crap. Utter crap. It's just not up to the standard set by Big Finish. I, Dustbin was not a patch on Dustbin Umpire or D'you Believe This? OK, it was practically the same story with most of the same cast and script, but heck, if we used that as measure of quality, who knows what could happen? The new Doctor Who might not be crap all of a sudden, stuff like that."
- eyeofsauros.com.uk (2005)

"Tonight's episode may not have the zany, off-the-wall buggery associated with the ones written by Russell T. Davies, but Robert Shearman's script - and I can't believe that I'm about to say this - seems strangely original. It concerns the last surviving Dustbin trapped in the grip of an insane dentist. Amid all the excitement, tonight's episode manages to sneak in a message about the redemptive power of human kindness and the way in which victims can turn into oppressors, and also that Billie Piper looks dead hot in a white T-shirt and no knickers. This new Doctor Who is an unqualified triumph."
- The Times, five minutes into watching the episode

"Robert Shearman's script bamboozles expectations, offering a fresh take on the famous metal drama queens, here both more formidable and sympathetic than we've ever seen them in the past. Claustrophobic and suitably melodramatic, this should hopefully show today's kids what was always so wonderful about the iconic image."
- DWM cover review written when they heard Shearman was writing a Dustbin story for the new series (2004)

"For 30 pant shittingly wonderful minutes BBC1's new Doctor Who was the best thing on telly. Ever. The remaining 20 minutes was some crap about an evil rubbish bin and travelling through time and space in a police box. What a heap of shit. Still, Billie's hot." - The Chaser (2005)

"Dustbin?! D'you Believe This with all the interesting bits cut out, more like. Still, if you're gonna rip off someone, always choose someone who won't complain. I learned from that simple mistake."
- Helen Demidemko (2005)

Billie Piper Speaks!
"Throughout the recording of this story, I looked at the Dustbin and thought to myself... What the hell is the big deal about this thing? It's a waste paper bin with a mop on top! WILL YOU LOT GROW UP!!"

Christopher Eccleston Speaks!
"The thing about the Dustbins is that you've got this deadly cleaning machine, but inside this tiny, vulnerable, insecure little thing. And who wouldn't want to waste a fucker like that? Anyone?"

Nigella Jay Verkoff Speaks!
"I am delighted to finally take to the screen version of Doctor Who, especially as a character whose sole purpose is to bed Rose. This is fantastic, dude, fan-freaking-tastic! RTD wanted a companion that made Adric look like Colin Firth and, for some reason, the entire production crew turned to me. And what a story to be introduced in! I was amazed at the nude Dustbin scene – especially as it proves I'm better hung than a radioactive mutant. I don't know about you, but I'm feeling confident in my sexual prowess. Mark my words; Adam Mitchell is in this series for the long haul."

Russell T Davies Speaks!
"Rob's script is thrilling, brutal and epic – well, it was the first time I read it, when it was Gobot by Terrance Dicks. Anyway, Dustbins or no Dustbins, this story will prove, once and for all, who the real ultimate enemy of Doctor Who is, beyond any question. That's right. The Moxx of Baloon."

Trivia –
This is, without doubt, the most popular Ninth Doctor story. Which logically explains why my VCR refused to record it. Fuck.

Rumors & Facts -
If you believe executive producer Russell T Davies' pre-publicity material then I, Dustbin in the amazing two-episode finale to the first season of Christopher Eccleston's Ninth Doctor.

If you believe RTD's autobiography Mea Culpa – Where I Went Wrong With Doctor Who, then I, Dustbin is the amazing two-episode premier to the second season of Christopher Eccleston's Ninth Doctor.

If you have even one foot in reality you will believe that I, Dustbin is a 45-minute and the sixth episode in the first and only season of Christopher Eccleston's Ninth Doctor. No doubt, you also think it's amazing. God, you Who fans are sheep! Mindless, useless, stupid sheep!

And I only say that because I think it's amazing too.

I may be alone with my sheep but my sheep are not alone with me.

We sheep are not alone!!!

Ahem. OK, facts.

In planning the story arc for the first season of the new Doctor Who series, RTD envisioned a crucial role for the Dustbins in that they would be shown to be crap, useless, and powerless against the might of the Moxx of Baloon.

RTD was then shocked to learn that viewers and fans of Doctor Who in general actually wanted the Dustbins to appear in the new series at some point and not simply be a punching bag for a monster of his own design.

Despite his offer to make every single story revolve around the Moxx of Baloon, it seems that the activities of a blue midget with man-boobs just doesn't compare to Fargo's metal meanies.

RTD was certain that the public were just sheep and simply hadn't yet realized how damn cool the Moxx was.

So, he presented a season outline to the Terry Nation Estate saying that Dustbins would only ever be used as hatstands or condom vending machines in the new series. The name 'Dustbin' would be abandoned, and the Doctor would only refer to them as 'the overrated butt-monkey man-bitches of Fargo'. The suggested Dustbins-destroy-Gallifrey plot was immediately abandoned in favor of a Dustbins-offer-people-Kit-Kats plot instead. The battle-cry 'Exterminate!' would be replaced with 'Poopy-poopy-poo!' and Dustbin modus operandi would involve belching and telling people to pull its plunger. This was to capitalize on the complete failure of Slitheen farting to be embraced by the public.

The Nation Estate did exactly what RTD expected and told Davies to shove his new Doctor Who up his big same-sexual arse.

RTD was delighted and made huge publicity campaigns to show that Dustbins were out and the Moxx of Baloon was in. Then he got a phone call from the Nation Estate saying 'Only kidding.'

Thus, the Dustbins were immediately downgraded to only appear in one episode. The writer assigned the task of reintroducing the Doctor's arch-foes and proving them to be crap was Robert Shearman.

Shearman, still sobbing after the death of his beloved plum pudding, was ordered to give a 'derivative, unoriginal one-parter that makes Dustbins look so uncool in comparison to the Moxx of Baloon.'

Shearman's work had largely been for an invisible rabbit called Thumper, although he had made a name for himself writing a number of critically-acclaimed Doctor Who audio plays for Big Finish Productions - and under this name he defrauded millions and ultimately Rob Sherman was arrested and send to Devil's Island.

Rob SHEARMAN, meanwhile, had written The Unholy Error (where the Sixth Doctor and Frobisher bitch at each other in an unreal world), The Crime Of Fright Night (where the Eighth Doctor and Charley bitch at each other in an unreal world), D'you Believe This (where the Sixth Doctor, Evelyn and a Dustbin bitch at each other in an unreal world), Schizo (where the Eighth Doctor and Charley bitch at each other in an unreal world and then get eaten by Richard E Grant) and Headline (where Robert Shearman is attacked by a creature who exists in photographs while in what might be an unreal world).

At first, Shearman refused point blank to submit anything other than The Zeitgeist of Indecision, a speculative work where the Ninth Doctor sat in a bath, contemplating the absurdity of existence and getting his toe stuck in the faucett.

Shearman finally handed over roughly one third of a script for an episode entitled 'Iargo' (some people have suggested it was 'Cargo' but who are you gonna believe? Me or those morons?!). Either way it was automatically renamed "The Amazing New Adventures of Doctor Who: the Last of the Time Lords from The Journeys of Rose Tyler Being a Fantastical Tale of a Young Earth Wanderer and Interplanetary Explorer within The Environs of A Gentleman's TARDIS Part Five: Act One - The Young Miss Tyler Encounters A Rusty Slime-Covered Dustbin That Will Clean And Tidy The Human Race Off The Face Of Cardiff".


The story began with a spacecraft called the 'E.F. Weaver' making an emergency landing on a planet that had been home to a human colony which had been destroyed during the Dustbin Wars fifty years earlier.

While some of the crew are scavenging through the ruins in search of spare parts they come across an almost totally intact Dustbin shell. Realising that they can turn their misfortune into a fortune, the two crew members decide to smuggle it back onto the ship so they can sell it to a collector of Dustbin War, Doctor Who or just general sci-fi memorabilia. As you do.

Meanwhile, the TARDIS materializes in deep space while the Doctor decides to carry out some repairs using 'Warpsmash Mechanics For Total Spastics', a handy DIY guide. The process involves disconnecting a large cable carrying a lethal amount of Artron energy and leaving it around in the vain hope that it might come in handy at some point.

A distress call is picked from the Weaver and the Doctor sets the TARDIS for a short hop... as far away as possible. Unfortunately, due a level of cosmic synchronicity bordering on extremely poor scripting, the time machine appears inside the Weaver seconds after the distress call is sent out.

They have materialized in the cargo hold of the Weaver and are standing over a frazzled corpse of one the crew members stupid enough to smuggle an armored-plated killing machine on board. The Doctor, admitting that he's always loved the smell of fried bipeds in the morning, notes that the corpse has had his insides scrambled by a projected death ray.

Rose points out that it is more likely that he just walked face-first into the dangerous power cable that was dangling in front of the door – surely much more likely?

Just then, the rest of the crew find the Doctor and Rose, accuse them of murder, listen to their pleas of innocence and for some unfathomable reason decide to let these possible murderers investigate.

The Dustbin meanwhile kills another member of the crew who had popped into the airlock for a quick fag by opening said airlock and flushing them into space.

Meanwhile, using freaky-psi-powers like Robson Green in Wire In The Blood, the Doctor is able to reconstruct the crime and determines that the fried crewmember entered the cargo hold and looked up to see a floating alien revived by the dangling power that promptly killed him.

But what could it be? All the Doctor knows is that it was collected from a dead planet in the middle of the Dustbin Wars, murders people in a specific Dustbin sort of way and that some of the latest contraband included an apparently lifeless Dustbin shell.

"Damn it! It could be anything!" the Doctor cries.

The Dustbin is finally discovered doing the washing up as it murders the catering staff and the Doctor zaps the machine with his sonic screwdriver and pronounces it dead.

However, the Distbun mutant has escaped its shell and starts climbing the walls and ceilings and murders some more crew members in rabid bloodlust fever and, after a while it becomes clear to the remaining survivors that they are well and truly stuffed.

The Doctor decides to jettison the cargo deck where the Dustbin mutant is, but the creature simply leaps onto the outer hull and space-walks into the control cabin, where it kills the last non-regular.

The Doctor, whose cunning plans he now admits are being ripped out of Alien wholesale, decides they should blow up the Weaver and everything on it. No sooner does he hit the relevant controls than Rose points out it might be best to evacuate before the explosion.

The Doctor agrees and they skip back to the TARDIS, only to be confronted by the fully repaired Dustbin, which promptly guns down the Doctor and Rose in what Shearman hoped would be a good moment for the BBC to abandon the series and let him go home.

Nevertheless, expecting that RTD would not be reasonable enough to release him, Shearman added a final sequence:

The Doctor and Rose awake from the stun blast inside the TARDIS. The Dustbin demands a lift to its home planet Fargo or the blonde bimbo gets it. The Doctor agrees and then cries, 'Behind you!'

While the Dustbin is distracted, the Doctor picks up the abandoned Artron cable, pops a safety cap off the end of it, vaults over the console and fries the Dustbin with it.

Rose tells the Doctor that this so-called Great Space Dustbin isn't a patch on the usual level of menace they have to deal with, ala the Moxx of Baloon.

The script ended with the revelation that a homing beacon has been blu-tacked to a roundel by the Dustbin and neither the Doctor or Rose have noticed.

RTD wanted this replaced by a caption saying:
RTD was still fearful that this story made the Dustbins appear too effective and lethal, and for a brief time suggested that the Dustbin be replaced by a new monster, the Fibreman of Sprong, who would be a sadistic monster that killed for sexual gratification and the conclusion would have the Moxx of Baloon appear in a flash of light and an angelic choir and destroy the Fibreman by spitting on it.

This outline was dubbed Absence of Dustbins, then Lost And Alone In Quarantine On The Edge Of The Forgotten Derelict Of The Dustbins by Shearman, who replaced the Dustbin out of sheer spite. The plot went through two more drafts – Deadly Shadow Of The Stowaway Survivor and Dark Omen Of The Last Remnant of the Dustbins – before anyone noticed.

The Doctor Who production team meanwhile had been looking through Shearman's previous work and discovered he had already written a Dustbin story that showed them at their weakest and most pathetic, a 2003 jubilee story entitled D'You Believe This?

D'you Believe This? featured a lone, damaged Dustbin and an even lonelier, more damaged Tom Baker and RTD originally suggested that Shearman craft a revised version of that adventure as Shearman's work only requires a quick find & replace to change from last year's critically-acclaimed masterpiece to this year's critically acclaimed masterpiece.

Ultimately, however, it was agreed that Shearman would draft a new story while maintaining some of the same key aspects. Basically, only three scenes would remain – the Doctor finding a tortured Dustbin, the Dustbin offering to play cards with the companion, and the Dustbin self-destructing when it realizes how utterly crap it is.

Shearman was asked to revise an adventure from these elements and locate it in Cardiff. Geography was never Shearman's strongpoint and he still believes Cardiff is a small town in Utah.

An early idea that the Dustbin was held at Area 51 was abandoned due to the fact the nearest town was Las Vegas and if the story was to be realistic than the Dustbin would have to glide into the nearest casino and stay with a poker machine until the end of time.

Another suggestion that the Dustbin wiped out an entire Mormon church was simply one of the passing daydreams Christopher Eccleston had – like being Doctor Who.

The story, now entitled Restoration Of The Lonely Metalsaltshakeron of Doom That Fell To Earth Returning To Upgrade For The Endgame, bore closer resemblance to the televised story. Suicidal Nemesis, however, was the story just not called I, Dustbin, and also introduced the character of Adam Mitchell, who would join the Doctor and Rose in the TARDIS at the story's end.

Shearman briefly considered making Adam the son of JR Ewing, although this relationship was eventually discarded as Shearman found the character so loathsome he couldn't bring himself to torment JR by relating them by blood.

Cast as new companion Adam Mitchell was Nigella 'Nigel' Jay Verkoff. Verkoff had made his mark on the world after his novel publication 'For The Love Of God, Why??' caused a riot at its first reading due to intense anti-slug content when, a few months previous, it was only thanks to the heroic actions of three teenage slug that the planet was saved from domination by cruel alien overlords.

Since then, Verkoff's half-arsed attempts to trick the Australian Broadcasting Corporation into remaking Doctor Who under the title Doctor Spoon & Chamber (And Not The Other Way Round) lead to him to producing Big Finish audio dramas, Fan & Phantasmagoria and Faith Dealer where he managed to get Tom Baker to return as the Fourth Doctor by the cunning use of a double dare.

Verkoff's casting was revealed in the press on October 7th, then promptly denied three minutes later. It became apparent that neither Verkoff nor Adam was working out and it was considered very disturbing that Verkoff improvised every single line and action on screen but still managed to portray a back-stabbing over-sexed arrogant no-hoping virgin with such gusto.

Immediately work began to ditch Verkoff and Adam and create a brand new male companion who didn't appear at anti-slug rallies and didn't make everyone want to bitch-slap him on sight.

The third production block for the season included Death Day and Shearman's story, which had gone through the titles Mausoleum Piece, Creature Of Lies (referring to the Dustbin's lying text messages) and The Creature Inside (referring to the nudist Dustbin mutant) and was now called simply I, Dustbin.

The director assigned to these episodes was Joe Ahearne. Ahearne had earned directing and scripting credits while killing vampires and dealing with supernatural mysteries armed only with a small army of mercenaries and an anti-tank rocket.

Production on the third block began on October 26th, including filming at the Millennium Stadium in Cardiff, and ended around the start of December when the crew found the exit and bolted.

Various Christian groups were up in arms when they dreamed about a scene where JR Ewing mentioned bondage, and the Doctor was crucified. The production team calmly responded to this criticism by fire-bombing a church and announced, "There you go, now you've got something proper to complain about. Now, shut the fuck up or else."

On the night of broadcast I, Dustbin was not only the top of its time slot for the evening, with an average viewership of 7.83 million viewers and a 42.73% viewer share, but was in fact the most watched British television show on Saturday, day or night!

It was beaten at dusk with the test card, admittedly, but apart from that, it kicked some serious arse.

RTD's dreams of Moxx of Baloonimania were slipping through his fingers like grains of over-greased sand. The Dustbins were back, hard and merchandise was already being sold, including the special "I, Dustbin" Self-Pitying Blog.

Since 1980s punk band The Stranglers were the main inspiration for Shearman's D'You Believe This? it was only fair they be allowed to record a song about I, Dustbin.

"The Valley Of JR"
By The Stranglers with Nicholas Briggs The Paranoid Humanoid

We decided we'd be in the series after all
Despite a million ships lost in the time war
When the final battle began I took my chances
Into the valley and met JR Ewing

I don't remember what it was that Lavros said
But I'm sure we were beaten a thousand times before
When I ended up in Cardiff, I took my chances
I was tortured with a dentist's drill

So put your trust in
Some poor little Dustbin
That sure ain't rustin
I'm tied up
And beat up
A prisoner
In the valley of JR!

I decided to seduce a blonde called Rose
Cause that would seriously piss the Doctor off
She stroked my dome in a way never done before
So absorbed the internet
After we first met

So put your trust in
Some poor little Dustbin
That sure ain't rustin'
I'm tied up
And beat up
A prisoner
In the valley of JR!

I'm tied up
And beat up
A prisoner -

So put your trust in
Some poor little Dustbin
That sure ain't rustin'
I'm tied up
And beat up
A prisoner
In the valley of JR!

So put your trust in
Some poor little Dustbin
That sure ain't rustin'
I'm tied up
And beat up
A prisoner
A prisoner in the valley of JR!

In the valley of JR!

Next Time...
"The Fourth Grand Prix Gymkhana. Brands Hatch at its height."
"The jug-fish IS hallibut. And it's not quite dead, but it was coughing up blood last night, so it should be ready to eat."
"Something is not right. Something is quite wrong. Something is not right. And so I sing this song."
"That bloody stop watch is wrong, I tell you, Rose!"
"It's what comes from showing off, Doctor. Your history of grand prix champions is not as good as you thought it was."
"My history of grand prix champions is PERFECT, I tell you!"
"Well, obviously not."
"...I can taste it... and it is disgusting..."
"Some wanker's cut the brake cable!"
"...Someone down there shouldn't be there... At least not without SOME kind of question mark adoring their person!"
"Who are you?"
"I am the Bastard... and you will obey me!"
"What's happening?"
"OK, let's take this in stages then, shall we. I am the Bastard, right? And you will obey me. Clear?"
"The brakes aren't working! But the clutch feels good..."
...The Long Haul...


RTD was not so completely deranged when he cast Christopher "This Is Me Swanning Off!" Eccleston as the Ninth Doctor. A dozen other artistes were considered for the role and their audition tapes are transcribed here to show you the alternatives that made Chris Eccleston seem like such a sensible choice.

By now it was clear that Christopher Eccleston needed to be replaced as soon as possible. If a suitable actor could be found in time, the previous four stories could be hastily re-shot, or else the actor would have to take over as the Tenth Doctor in the action-packed finale, The Parting Of The Legs.

Dustbin voice artiste and certified psychotic Nicholas Briggs immediately offered his services to RTD and even offered a complete 45-minute episode to introduce him as the Tenth Doctor, set after I, Dustbin entitled The Time Cabbages.

Extract from "Doctor Who – The Time Cabbages" Episode 1:

(Setting: The TARDIS control room. The Ninth Doctor [Christopher Eccleston], Adam [Nigel Verkoff] and Rose [Billie Piper] are present.)

Doctor: (Cheerful) Welcome to the TARDIS, pretty boy!


Doctor: Time And Relative Dimension In Space. If you say Dimensions, plural, I will shove your head up your arse and you will spend the rest of your life crawling around on all fours looking for the light switch, pretty boy.

(The Doctor sways unsteadily)

Rose: Hey, are you feeling all right? Your hands are shaking!

(The Doctor collapses to the floor. Rose kneels beside him.)

Rose: Doctor? Doctor? Can you hear me? (To Adam) He's all clammy and his pulse is racing. We can't lose him, Adam! He's the only one who knows where the remote is!

(Adam nods and checks his temperature)

Adam: OK, is there anywhere on board with medical supplies? Has he got a sick bay or something?

(Setting: The TARDIS sick-bay. Rose and Adam dump the Doctor's body onto a bunch. Adam crosses to a computer and switches it on. Adam mucks about with the computer for a moment. A red skull-and-crossbones appears on the screen)

Adam: Hmm. Does he have any next of kin?

(The Doctor begins shivering, mumbling 'Fantastic!' over and over, before suddenly going limp.)

Rose: What are we going to do? With the Doctor dead, we're going to be stuck out here in the middle of Cardiff – forever!

Adam: Oh, well, you've got me to be with from now on.

(Behind them, the Doctor glows orange and regenerates into a far more attractive, sexier, balder man [Nicholas Briggs]. He sits up and goes behind a curtain and gets changed into a blue tuxedo, then picks up a green toothbrush)

Adam: I mean, it's not like you and the Doctor... you know. Nudge-nudge-wink-wink-say-no-more. Is it?

(The Doctor looks up at this.)

Doctor: Never jump to conclusions!

Rose: Who are you? What have you done with the Doctor?

Doctor: Well, now, that's... that's a difficult one. What have *I* done with the Doctor? You see, I am the Doctor.

Adam: But the Doctor's dead!

Doctor: Well, for a dead man, I'm feeling remarkably horny.

Rose: Sounds like the Doctor – BUT IT CAN'T BE!

Doctor: Oh, stop screaming, Rose!

Rose: How do you know my name?

Doctor: Well, Rose, I realize this must be very difficult for you...

Adam: We don't have to listen to you! *You* killed the Doctor!

Doctor: Piss off, pretty boy! I am the Doctor!

Rose: People just don't change!

Doctor: Well I do! I regenerated the cells of my body into a far niftier form. It'll save *time*, *energy* and *screentime* if you just accept that!

Adam: Yes, you'd like that, wouldn't you?!

Doctor: YES I BLOODY WELL WOULD! Rose? What do you think?!

Rose: I'll go along with your story, "Doctor". You look pretty damn hot to me, and since the Doctor's body's gone, I mean... *your* body's gone... well, there's no other explanation, is there? Is there?

Adam: Yeah! Where have you put the body?!

Doctor: I put that horrid leather jacket down the waste disposal – *this* is the body you stupid geek!

Adam: Prove it! I nicked this thing from the museum. If you're the Doctor, you'll know what it is!

(He pulls out a silver globe and throws it at the Doctor)

Doctor: Ooh! It's a... thing! That does that thing!

(He presses it. There is a flash.)

(Setting: the surface of Temperos. The Doctor, Rose and Adam appear in mid air and drop to the ground.)

Doctor: Here we are! An ancient ruin on a dead planet surrounding a dying sun in the far distant future! How cool is that!

Rose: Uh, where's the TARDIS?

Doctor: Where we left it, I guess. Still, who needs that old thing when we've got the Thing That Does That Thing?

Adam: True! You're obviously the Doctor!

(Suddenly, there is a flash and three Dustbins appear.)


Rose: I thought you said they were extinct!

Doctor: Christ, like *you've* never made a mistake in your life?


(Roll credits)

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