Funky Town!
Serial 109 – Funky Town!
An Alternate Program Guide by Ewen Campion Clarke
From An Entry In The EC Unauthorized Guide O' Reaching Third Base
"YOA's Discontinuity Guides – Inaccurate But Caring."
Serial 109 – Funky Town! -
{Previously on Doctor Who – Alias of London}
Some time ago, the alien Slitheen family of quantum space bimbos infiltrated the British government and tried to trick humanity into destroying the Earth for, well, reasons which escaped these intergalactic airheads at the time.
Despite the over-enthusiastic aid of Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart, the Doctor ultimately defeated them.
That is to say, he pissed off Mickey Smith so much the guy hacked into the Royal Navy's computers, launched a missile and destroyed 10 Downing Street utterly.
It's a domestic incident. Happens every day.
Anyway, the Brigadier and the Slitheen aliens were all killed in the gore-spattered explosion and are now burning in hell.
But sequels are rarely known for their rationality.
{And now on Doctor Who – Funky Town!}
Cardiff has a new mayor – the incredibly curvy, sexy and quite definitely free-of-plastic-surgery Paris Hilton, who is clearly one of the Slitheen who have somehow survived.
Hilton has managed to seize control of Wales due to her vital statistics and the fact that there was a vacancy after the previous occupant brutally cut his head off while combing his hair.
After six months and being nominated 'Playbeing Centrefold' seven times in a row, Hilton has begun a project which an anonymous easy-to-forget bloke in a white coat believes could destroy Cardiff forever.
This guy explains he has absolute proof that the Canine project to place a nuclear waste treatment facility on top of the water reservoir and an ancient Welsh burial ground.
He stupidly reveals that he has told absolutely no one else on the planet about this and also that due to a recent outbreak of syphilis he no longer has any friends or family to miss him.
Then he goes all surprised when Hilton attacks him with a chainsaw!
Pratt!
Parte The First
Convinced that Rose Tyler has finally cracked and has come crawling back to him, Mickey Smith arrives in Cardiff with her passport. He is certain that this little trip will be a 48-hour non-stop blistering sex rampage and not just Rose being too slack to get her own passport.
The TARDIS sits in a rather squalid flat in a derelict building, which just happens to be on top of a scarred-over dimensional rift sealed up in 1969. This information is available to Mickey through a bronze plaque beside the doorbell.
At first, however, Mickey is not allowed to enter the TARDIS as the drink-addled Captain Jack is convinced he is the TV detector man and pulls a gun on him.
After a few minutes of giggling, Rose and the Doctor finally convince Jack to lower the gun and let him enter.
Mickey offers to hand over the passport in return for, ahem, conjugal rights but Rose points out that she never actually married him, snatches her passport and cackles evilly.
"You mean," Mickey sobs, "you haven't really come back to give me some sugar and finally make your lifelong love the happiest man in all of Mutter's Spiral?"
"No, we're just recharging the TARDIS's panasonic batteries. Why do you ask, anyway?"
Rose completely ignores the fact Mickey has started to weep as she shows off her passport photo to Captain Jack – the feather boa was her mum's idea, in fact.
The Doctor puts his arm around Mickey. He too knows how it's like to lust after a girl who thinks the phrase 'shag' is solely associated with seagulls. He then informs Mickey that he, Rose and Captain Jack are a well-rehearsed team, and Mickey isn't really a part of it.
He also gets Mickey's name wrong and laughs at his misery.
This bizarre group leave the police box and the Doctor explains to the dazed Captain Jack for about the eighth time that day that he can't be arsed to repair the broken chameleon circuit after the last two attempts nearly wiped out the entire created omni-verse.
Elsewhere in the city, Paris Hilton is holding a press conference to announce that the Canine project is ready to begin, and then poses for several adult publications.
A series of freak accidents have taken out the entire European safety inspection team, the Cardiff Heritage Society, the architect of the project, and now Mr Cleaver, the government's nuclear advisor mere minutes after he posted his near-religious beliefs that the canine project would go into meltdown and kill millions on an Insecurities.com opinion forum.
Cathy Salt of the Cardiff Gazette Of Complete Paranoia Hourly suggests that there might be some kind of curse on the project as it IS on the site where the annual zombie riots occur as dead bodies are animated by strange blue mist being called the Gelth.
Hilton refutes Salt's claims as "depressing" and decides to draw the press concentration on her rather than her project. Her personal advisor – Q-tip the Destroyer of All Worlds And Builder Of Card Pyramids – reminds her she's supposed to keep a low profile, but is headbutted unconscious by various photographers.
The press conference is over and Hilton decides to drag Salt to the nearest toilet and dismember her – but this plan is foiled when they bump into a spiky-haired Scotsman wearing a crushed velvet trouser suit and a frilly shirt. He flees before either Hilton or Salt can discover just what he was doing in the women's bathroom.
This bewildering interlude allows Salt to escape with her life while Paris Hilton glumly lights a cigarette and swears softly.
Meanwhile, the Whoobie Gang are making a nuisance of themselves at a pier restaurant as Captain Jack screams incoherently about incidents on the Black Pearl with punch lines so predictable that even Mickey knows what they are.
The Doctor spots a nearby adult magazine with a front-page photograph of Paris Hilton, which was snapped at the earlier press conference. He and his allies head point in the direction of City Hall, and with a scream of "Ludicrous Speed!" the gang magically appear there.
The Doctor tells the others to split up for better plot structure, insults Q-tip the Secretary, and barges into the office shouting "Jerzei, I'm hooooooome!"
Paris Hilton runs for it.
There is a lot of running around as the Dandy Warhol's Not If You Were The Last Time Lord On Earth plays in the background.
Finally, Paris Hilton is captured by the Whoobie gang and dragged back to the TARDIS. There, she admits she was building a nuclear power station atop a dimensional rift just so it would blow up the entire created omniverse.
There WAS a good reason why, but she's forgotten.
Then, Captain Jack finds a silver pan-dimensional surfboard looted from Gallifrey – by the Doctor, who thought it might fetch some grotzis at an airlock sale. He realizes he has unintentionally sold Paris Hilton the key to controlling time and space.
"What?!" the Doctor squirms as everyone glares at him. "We sorted it out in the end... mostly."
In an effort to change the topic, the Doctor suddenly announces that Canine means K9, a phrase which has been following them like the Clap ever since he met Rose. Creepy music plays.
Captain Jack suddenly falls over and vomits, breaking the moment.
Five minutes later, after the fumes have cleared, the group return to the police box. While Captain Jack sleeps off the anti-freeze, Rose and Mickey decide to go to the nearest hotel. The Doctor lets them go, knowing that Rose possesses something greater than a chastity belt – complete cluelessness in all things groinal.
However, it will be 24 hours before the TARDIS's panasonic batteries are charged enough to return to Paris Hilton's homeworld of Hotpotatoesorchestralstallspuckwillmakeamends and, after playing with a baseball for a few minutes in a Cool Hand Luke sort of fashion, sighs, and asks Paris out for dinner.
Stealing some handcuffs from the comatose Captain Jack, the Doctor and Slitheen head off for dinner and bondage.
Parte The Second
The Doctor escorts Paris to a bristo and tells the manager that, as Paris Hilton IS Mayor of Hilton and so if the meal ISN'T on the house then she's paying, despite the fact she's going to be executed by her fellow Slitheens first thing tomorrow.
Paris finds this rather insensitive and she asks the waiter to slip some cyanide into the wine. The Doctor is delighted – cyanide is viagra for Time Lords.
Paris quickly realizes the Doctor is trying to get a free meal and will probably free her in return for a leg over.
The Doctor denies this. Unconvincingly.
At a hotel room, Mickey is struggling to keep control as Rose continually meanders around the place telling her incredible stories of jungles, space stations, quarries and Cardiff.
Mickey snaps and says unless they start doing the dirty right here right now he's going to dump her for Tricia Delaney. After all, they've been going out with each other since they were six – and he's lived for a whole year of that relationship that Rose hasn't (stupid time travel). Surely that counts for something?
Rose simply blinks and then goes on to talk about her meeting with Charlotte Church.
Mickey begins to scream and trash the hotel room.
Rose decides that Mickey is just too obsessed with sex to be a suitable boyfriend and dumps him.
Mickey throws himself out of the window.
Rose shrugs and returns to the TARDIS as a completely pissed Doctor and Paris Hilton return in handcuffs. Jack is startled awake by their combined arrival and falls onto the time surfboard and the whole shebang activates the time rift.
Cue lots of explosions and flashes that look suspiciously like they've been lifted directly from the 1996 telemovie.
The Doctor is tipsily delighted that Cardiff will finally be wiped off the face of time itself, even as Rose points out that as they are sitting on top of the rift itself, they better move.
"Not so fast!" cries Paris Hilton, ripping off her extremely convincing human disguise to reveal...
"Brigadier?!" the Doctor gasps.
Yes, it was Brigadier Alistair Gordon Lethbridge-Stewart all along! During the final confrontation in Alias of London, he killed a Slitheen and hid inside her body. The massive bosom meant no fiddly gas-exchange shrinking collars and now the Brigadier's evil plan is working!
He plans to hang ten out of the solar system and find Hotpotatoesorchestralstallspuckwillmakeamends, where a whole world of Slitheen await him!
The Doctor is quietly trying not to be sick into a bucket at the realization of just WHO he groped under the pretence of finding the ice bucket.
Suddenly, the TARDIS console opens up to reveal the blinding light inside. The light flares and a dazed, younger and far less camp Brigadier is thrown to the floor.
The Doctor queasily explains that the meddling in the console has triggered the TARDIS's hithertoo non-existent Genie Factor, which granted the Brigadier's wish with a truly ironic sting.
The Brigadier is now younger, fitter and hornier than before.
Unfortunately, he's forgotten the last forty years of his life.
"Doris won't be pleased," the Doctor ruminates and, after a predictable sequence where he convinces the Brigadier of his Time Lord credentials, asks to get that 40 grand he loaned the soldier last week.
Before anyone can reply, there is a brilliant flash of light that leaves the TARDIS control room completely deserted.
The Doctor stumbles out of a toilet into a badly-decorated common room where an even worse-decorated woman cheerfully explains that he's been chosen as a housemate. Two other people hurl racist and homophobic abuse at the dazed Time Lord.
Suddenly, a deep voice orders the Doctor into 'the Diary Room'.
As he starts to recover from the effect of the transmat, the Doctor realizes that he's somehow become a contestant on Big Brother and finally starts vomiting everywhere.
Book(s)/Other Related -
Doctor Who Versus The Crying Game
Doctor Who Dates Easy Welsh Tart (Canadian edition)
Manchester UNITed: Christopher Eccleston tackles UNIT dating
Fluffs – Christopher Eccleston seemed on the pull in this story.
"Yes, I knew Silver Chair before they were big. They were known as Magician's Nephew originally. Something of a C.S. Lewis fetish, apparently."
"Whoa, Chief! You send Funky Squad to nurse some big fat cat while back here special ops sit coolin their heels? Sounds like a gig for the goons in OS security – why dump the deal on Funky while those squares sit pretty on a crusty case-load?!" the Doctor asks himself while alone in the TARDIS control room with a flashing lightbulb sticky-taped to his forehead. Nutter.
Goofs –
It surely can't be legal to demolish Cardiff Castle to build a nuclear power plant. Otherwise someone would surely have done it by now.
The man in the cafe doesn't seem to mind the Doctor ripping the porn magazine out of his hands.
Margaret's secretary's excuse that the Lord Mayor is "reading Herodotus and thinking big thoughts" is the most pathetic and unlikely excuse that I've ever heard – and I've heard quite a few. Surely you'd expect him to say something like "she's in a meeting" or "she's on the phone" or "she's having sex with an intern under the desk".
A certain fan (naming no names) can be spotted taking a photo via a mobile phone in the background.
Either the Slitheen has changed the Mayor's office to an identical copy of 10 Downing Street or else somebody is reusing the same set as Alias of London.
Mickey was shagging Lithuanian ten a penny for at least the year between Ruse and Alias of London, so how come Rose is surprised that he's started dating other women?
The cracks that occur in the pavement are surprisingly clean, almost as if they'd been added on digitally during post-production. But as we all know, this is completely impossible.
Fashion Victims – The Doctor's headband with red flashing light.
Even worse is when we discover that the light only flashes when the Doctor thinks about Rose naked.
Technobbable -
"Bugger me sideways, lads! This is nothing less than a tribo-physical waveform macro-kinetic extrapolator!"
"You don't mean..."
"Yes! This is THE SURFBOARD OF RASSILON!"
Dialogue Disasters -
Paris: He slipped on an icy patch.
Salt: He was decapitated.
Paris: It was a very icy patch.
Salt: What do you mean?
Paris: I slipped and accidentally dropped an axe on his neck.
Mickey: What are you Captain of? The Innuendo Squad?
Jack: The Innuendo Agency, actually.
Mickey: At least I know where she is! You left me... I can't even go out with a stupid girl from the shop, because YOU pick up the phone and I come running. And you won't even shag me!!
Jack: Do you want to go and find him? We'll wait.
Rose: No need. He deserves better. I'm sure she'll be worth every cent.
Paris: Take me home and you take me to my death.
Doctor: Not my problem. Said exactly the same thing to the United Nations about the Kyoto Protocol.
Doctor: You let one of them go, but that's nothing new... that's how you live with yourself. Because once in a while, on a whim, if the wind's blowing in the right direction, you happen to be in the mood and you dump them. Mark my words, Mickey, she'll never put out for you.
Dialogue Triumphs -
Paris: Only a killer would know that. Is that right? From what I've seen your funny little happy-go-lucky life leaves devastation in its wake - playing with so many people's lives you might as well be a god. A god of death. Is that what you are?
Doctor: Depends. Does it make you horny?
Paris: No.
Doctor: Well, I'm not a callous god of murder. Just... misunderstood.
(After Rose once again kick boxes a group of alien guards until they collapse, unconscious onto the ground.)
Doctor: You know, in the good ol' days we used to let ourselves be captured and then escape through a ventilation shaft.
Rose: Screw the good old days, Doctor, let's go kick some alien ass!
Jack: Oh, okay then. Let me just hitch up me jeans.
Paris: What did I ever do to you?
Doctor: You tried to kill me and destroy this entire planet.
Paris: Apart from that.
Doctor: You wear too much eye shadow.
Paris: That's fair. I'll come quietly.
Doctor: That's what all the girls say.
Doctor: We're in Cardiff. London doesn't care. The South Wales Coast could fall into the sea and they wouldn't notice. Oh, I sound like a Welshman. God help me, I've gone native. Why does fate throw me back here, time after time?! WHY?!?
Dialogue Oddities -
Many times subtle changes in the script are required for the ever-evolving art of television. Minor changes in the printed word, suggested humbly by actors, can provide an occasional additional layer to a performance. Here is an example from Funky Town -
(ORIGINAL SCRIPT)
The Doctor: Oh, golly gosh Rose! I do think that Slitheen is going to rip our intestines out and decorate their Christmas tree with them. What rotten luck.
(ON SCREEN)
Chris Eccleston: Oh, for fuck's sake!
UnQuotable Quote –
Mickey: I've twisted my ankle!
Links and References -
The Doctor mentions the Chameleon Circuit getting stuck (An Unruly Child) and his cataclysmic attempts to fix it (Death Comes To Tom and Atari of the Cybermen). The Doctor hasn't had such a surreal experience at a diner since two of his past incarnations got wasted and murdered the proprietor (The Even Doctors), and the TARDIS runs on panasonic batteries (as revealed in the Big Finish play Louis Gooey). The Slitheen were originally in Alias of London, and the rift was originally in The Presuming Ed. Rose mentions Milliways (The Restaurant At The End of the World). Once again, solid proof that if your story's under-running, a bucket of pointless continuity references will fill the gap.
Untelevised Misadventures -
Rose mentions travelling to Justicia, a reference to The Lobsters Offside, the first time a TV story has explicitly referenced a non-TV story since I, Dustbin. She then turns directly to camera and recites the book's title, author, ISBN, recommended retail price and that if you don't buy a copy right away then the whole fabric of space time will collapse. Mickey is tortured by tourist snaps of: the Glass Pyramid of San Clune, the continent of Women Wept, Brighton Beach and the Giant Easel advertising Le Grand Bauble Diamond.
K9 Conspiracy –
In this episode, the Doctor and Rose finally begin to notice that the phrase K9 is following them around. Proving that they have attention span reactions roughly ten weeks slower than fans and general public.
This week, the name of the Mayor's nuclear power station scheme is the Canine Project, which is English for "K9".
One of the continents on the planet Women Wept looks like a robot dog.
Subtext? WHAT Subtext? -
Christ, Rose is a callous bitch, isn't she?
Groovy DVD Extras –
Sheet music for the Funky Squad theme tune and also artist's recreation of Jack's after-dinner anecdote (note: latter is not suitable for persons under the age of 85).
Psychotic Nostalgia –
"Dear Russell T Davies. If you write one more romp through a diner in present-day Wales with Rose's ex-boyfriend I will send large men in ape suits to beat you with plastic plunger-guns, drag you to my secret lair and scrape off your skin, layer by layer. PS – bring back the Teletubbies, they freaking rock!"
Viewer Quotes -
"Even *I* have had better dates than that!" – Nigel Verkoff (2005)
"The TARDIS-based finale is bizarre, a technobabble conclusion giving way to a Deus Ex Machina ending that's beautifully filmed and acted, but remains risible in terms of how everything is magically sorted out. Anyway, enough of this. Who wants to buy an autographed copy of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince?" – J.K. Rowling (2005)
"Hmm. Well, I can really see what they tried to do. Rip off Buffy The Vampire Slayer. Look at it – an evil mayor, a hellmouth beneath the setting, all that angst and relationships, all that twaddle about second chances and redemption, the leather jackets... And the way that Mickey is shown to be completely useless and still fights the forces of darkness in his own way while the rest of the gang have face-offs in the TARDIS off-screen recall that episode The Zeppo. Wait a minute! This is The Zeppo! RTD's totally stolen this!"
- Ewen Campion-Clarke (2005)
"With a clever, casually paced and emotionally rich screenplay which develops and expands on all its characters and a setting that pays tribute to the stellar work done by the season's Welsh crew, Funky Town is not only a candidate for the best episode of the season, it's a piece where you can see the boundaries of what is and isn't possible in Doctor Who being re-defined. Joe Ahearne again demonstrates he has simply no equal in Britain when it comes to directing this kind of television and there isn't a single performance that isn't note perfect. A great character drama of wit, depth and subtlety. And how sober is Captain Jack?"
– Compulsive Liars Weekly – No, Monthly! (1876)
"Never mind that trifle, what about energy policy and legislation? Have these so-called program-makers never heard of section 36 of the 1989 Electricity Act - consent for new power stations over a certain size? It is not devolved to the Welsh Assembly, consent for a nuclear plant would indeed have to come from London. And all the consents for a nuclear plant would take up to ten years to come through, at best guess. And these stations generally have to be built close to a large water source (for coolant). RTD should be duct-taped inside a barrel of smouldering ferrets and dropped off a cliff!"
- One of those fans who simply cannot suspend their disbelief (2005)
"Does Rose have the right keep poor Mickey hanging on like a lost puppy? Is he a victim of their happy-go-lucky travels or a beggar to his own demise? Who cares – Rose is now available! Yee-haaa!"
- One of those fans who finds that suspending their disbelief all too easy (2005)
Billie Piper Speaks!
"Look, do I have to call the cops or something? Piss off!"
Christopher Eccleston Speaks!
"My incarnation of the Doctor is the closest I've been to playing myself, in a way. It's like a version of me as a child – the way I felt about the world and everything that's in it and my intense desire to get into Billie Piper's underwear. I based a lot on Russell. I borrowed some of Russell's speed of thought and pace. Not Russell T Davies, though. Russell the Mathematician Chicken, I mean. What a chook!"
Jack Barrowman Speaks!
"Did anyone else start to wish that Paris Hilton would join the TARDIS team full time? I just thought the mix of the characters was great. I can just imagine future adventures with Paris. Like on that video."
Russell T Davies Speaks!
"When I want your opinion on 'Funky Town!' I'll kick it out of you."
Trivia –
The extremely killable extra in the first scene was an extremely killable extra in Rememberin' To Take Out The Dustbins – thus being the only person to be directly involved in both versions of Doctor Who and die horribly each time. Doesn't he get the hint?
Rumors & Facts –
Funky Town! can be described in a single word: Belgium.
Although there are a lot of good (nay, perfect) character moments for the Doctor, Rose, Mickey, and the Brigadier, the 'plot' is a trick of the light, Jack is totally sidelined, demonstrating that four companions is too many for the format, and the best bit of the episode is trailer for next week which at least tells you this week's forty-five minutes of filler crap is over.
According to RTD's paranoid rantings (or "production notes" as Doctor Who Magazine euphemistically calls it) Funky Town was the first story of Christopher Eccleston's third and final season. Yeah, right.
Nevertheless, RTD was determined that he would have complete and utter control of Doctor Who for this production block as he had only written one episode for previous block and that had been given the worst review of the 'season'. This way at least he was guaranteed of writing the best story. And the worst story. And the one people always forget.
This 'season' arc would comprise the final three episodes of the Ninth Doctor and a 60-minute Christmas special to introduce the Tenth. The first episode was originally entitled "The Amazing New Adventures of Doctor Who: the Last of the Time Lords from The Journeys of Rose Tyler Being a Fantastical Tale of a Young Earth Wanderer and Interplanetary Explorer within The Environs of A Gentleman's TARDIS Part Nine: Act One - The Young Miss Tyler Discovers Something Nasty In The Woodshed"
This was originally the script that Harry Potter creator J.K. Rowling had considered writing in the vain hope that it would break her writer's block on Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. Re-named Whistledown, the script was set in rural America of the 1880s. The Ninth Doctor and Rose watch, amused as suitors have a drunken argument and murder each other in front of a barn.
The barn is guarded by sinister scarecrows with deadly weapons in the form of pointed sticks. Inside the barn contains a hideous experiment involving... well, no one knows what because at that moment inspiration struck Rowling and she dropped Doctor Who like a leper-infected mine.
The script hung around in the vain hope someone could finish it. Under the new name Trouble Down South Mark Gattis suggested that the scarecrows were really Cybermen in a new fetish phase of their existence.
Paul Carnall looked at the script and came up with an idea entitled Uncivil War and suggested a cameo by Abraham Lincoln only for the Doctor to discover that the president was, in fact, a scarecrow powered by racial intolerance.
Rob Shearman offered the possible storyline Yeehaw Bandene. This story would basically involve the Doctor and Rose repeating dialogue to each other as they wander through the barn in circles. Finally they discover their presence is responsible for the evil scarecrows and, after an emotive speech from the Doctor, the scarecrows and barn vanish.
Steven Moffat had the idea that the Doctor and Rose would be relating this story to Jackie and Mickey in a coffee lounge and thus the Rowling material could be used and, instead of coming up with an ending, could stop there and then when the Doctor gets called away, leaving the story unfinished. He offered the name One Man's Story and prayed no one would realize his suggestion had already been made as a Coupling episode.
I offered my services to RTD and came up with a brilliant script entitled Fools & Family set on a vampire-infested planet where the vampires live in peace with humans but an elite group plan to tip the balance of trust. It was absolutely fucking fantastic, I tell you. Especially the twist ending where the Doctor gets turned into a vampire.... Shit, spoiled it. Trust me, it so worked.
Well, RTD thought it lacked the 1880/American barn/Scarecrow stuff and had an AVO placed on me. I re-submitted my script with these elements, entitled Tears for Gethsemane but it was returned to me with a death threat and a recently-mauled rat.
Stupid Welsh imbecile.
However, proving that I am above such snide, Eye of Sauros-style bitching, I will go on without editorial bias.
RTD tried to write the story and came up with the title More Than Crows where the Doctor and Rose and Jack begin the final battle between good and evil with the Moxx of Baloon and his evil servants, scarecrows. He later changed the scarecrows to crows in the belief that scarecrows were so passe. The title changed from More Than Crows to Casting Shadows to Baloon, because, well, the runt has no imagination.
Finally, RTD abandoned the Whistledown concept altogether and started from scratch. Wimp.
Started from scratch, however, meant grabbing a former script he had yet to use and crudely re-forming it for the characters of the Ninth Doctor, Rose and Captain Jack.
This script was Dining With Arseholes, a script for the 1972 Australian cop show Funky Squad – the elite "young people" police force sent into dealing with kidnaps, bombing threats, estate agents and psychopathic serial killing circus freaks.
With five minutes cut and pasting, Dining With Arseholes became the basis for the finished Funky Town episode. The characters of Grant, Cassie, Stix and the silent Poncho were changed to the Ninth Doctor, Rose, Jack and the ineffective Mickey. The original serial killer, the flatulent Shaun Warne was replaced with Paris Hilton, really the Brigadier in a cunning disguise.
In an attempt to spice up the long-night-at-the-stakeout plot, RTD added a complicated series of moral dilemmas and mutually assured depression, but gave up after fifteen minutes when he realized his pizza was getting cold and simply had the TARDIS's seldom used Genie Device fix the story and prevent any progression, growth or development, but with a shockingly large amount of pixie dust.
The final three episodes of Doctor Who's first season back on the air – no matter what the hell RTD says – formed its fifth and final recording block.
This was overseen by director Joe Ahearne, who had previously worked on the third block, helming I, Dustbin and Death Day and now carried a shotgun with him at all times and refused to do anything without consulting his collection of singing onions before hand.
Work on Alias, A Broad (as Dining with Arseholes had be renamed) began around mid-January 2005. Unlike The Presuming Ed – whim RTD leached any potential plot from in moments – Saving Wales (as it was renamed yet again) was entirely made in Cardiff, with the exception of studio scenes which were enacted in a Newport warehouse as it had been discovered Noel Clarke had a flourishing cannabis garden growing there.
The story's title was left Justice Once for a while, then to The Twin Double-E Dilemma in homage of Colin Baker's debut serial. Finally, it was decided to just cut the crap and name it Funky Town!.
This title gives a subtle clue as to the origin of the story.
That and such sequences as the Doctor's "Whoa, Chief!" speech; the scene at the stakeout; the continuous gunfights and the famous Funky Squad theme music being used continually in the background.
Fans looked upon this and just assumed that RTD was saving up all his creativity and scriptwriting prowess for the final, massive, epic two-parter for the Ninth Doctor.
Fools.
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Next Time...
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"You got chosen. You're a housemate. Isn't that brilliant?"
"Well, it sure ain't fantastic."
"Wel-come to the Weak-est Link. Kiss your ars-es good-bye."
"We're giv-ing you a brand new im-age."
"Why? Is there something wrong with what I'm wearing?"
"Where do we start! Those ques-ti-on marks..."
"What was that hideous, foreboding scream?"
"She's been evicted. To death."
"Oh, fair enough. Fancy a quick one in the sauna, Lynda?"
"This isn't just a game..."
"I need to find the Doctor! He's got to be here somewhere! He's always here – he's my stalker for crying out loud!"
"...it's a way of life."
"We have contestants outside the game. There could be an idea for a game show in that..."
"My masters. They fear the Doctor. And his accent."
"Tell me! Who are the evil forces behind this?!?"
"That's impossible. I know those ships. They were destroyed."
"Obviously someone in continuity has screwed up."
"ALERT! ALERT! WE ARE RUMBLED!"
"Oh, just Dustbins? Phew – thought it was the Moxx of Baloon there for a moment."
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...The Parting of the Legs...
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BONUS! DOCTOR WHO AUDITIONS!
RTD was not so completely deranged when he cast Christopher "This Is Me Swanning Off!" Eccleston as the Ninth Doctor. A dozen other artistes were considered for the role and their audition tapes are transcribed here to show you the alternatives that made Chris Eccleston seem like such a sensible choice.
By now even RTD had given up hope of ditching Eccleston like a bucket of warm cockroach manure and re-filming the entire series. It was time to admit the Ninth Doctor was nothing more than a retarded hiccup in the Time Lord's regeneration cycle and look to the future.
It is a testament to his sheer mental and physical exhaustion that he completely caved in and finally auditioned Bill Nighy as the Tenth Doctor, to take over immediately, perhaps limiting the Ninth Doctor to just eight stories. Nighy was crap, however, and quickly abandoned.
A Bill Nighy impersonator was considered, but during rehearsals it was discovered to be Nigel Verkoff (who played Adam Mitchell in I, Dustbin and The Long Haul) and his prospective co-stars beat him up at the earliest opportunity...
Extract from "Doctor Who – Escape to Danger" Episode 1:
(Setting: The TARDIS control room. The Doctor ["Bill Nighy"] and Jack [John Barrowman] enter.)
Jack: That is, without doubt, the worst place I've EVER been to.
Doctor: Oh, STOP WHINING JACK!
(Rose [Billie Piper] enters.)
Jack: I mean, curry? With pasta?! And it wasn't even pasta, it was maggots! I’ll never get to sleep tonight with all these parasites laying lava all over my insides.
Doctor: 10p a plate is not a bad deal!
Jack: They never got round to the 'plate' part – more like 10p a handful, and not OUR handful either. Just some French git in a chef's hat tossing whatever refuse he could find out of bin to throw at us.
Doctor: Look, for the 700th time, the table we were sitting at was reserved for a much less hygienic couple. (Cheerfully) But you must admit, the atmosphere was wonderful. The soft light from the candles, the music. And you looked just ravishing tonight, Captain Jack Sparrow.
Jack: (Blushes) Did I?
Doctor: (Nods) Looking at you tonight, Jack, like that, in that off-the-shoulder cocktail dress and tight stockings...
Jack: Well, my clothes were in the wash and I had to borrow Rosie's overnight bag...
Doctor: (Wistfully) You know, Jack, tonight could have been the night. The way you were got up really set me going. (Sadly) Oh, GOD JACK! Why couldn't you be a woman?!? The closest I've had to a romantic dinner this regeneration! DAMN YOUR STUPID GENITALS, JACK! DAMN THEM!
Jack: I don't have to put up with this! I'm off to the river.
Doctor: What for?
(Jack pats his stomach.)
Jack: Well, with all this bait, I'm liable to catch myself a real meal if hold my head under water long enough.
Rose: You're joking, right?
(Jack stares at them both in a long silence. The Doctor and Rose exchange glances before Jack sighs.)
Jack: No, you're right. I'm off down to the pub.
Doctor: What? You're stone broke! How can you afford a night out?
Jack: The Sparrows are nothing if not cunning.
Doctor: Yes, but they're not and neither are you. Oh, and by the way... YOU ARE A BIG NOTHING!!!!
Jack: True enough, still...
(He suddenly grabs the Doctor, hammerlocks him and pushes his face down onto the console. Jack pulls out the Time Lord's wallet and, using his teeth, pulls out several notes before returning the wallet. Just as the Doctor is about to break free, Jack picks up an empty beer bottle and smashes it over the Doctor's head, knocking him out.)
Jack: Twenty bucks should do it. Sweet dreams, Doctor.
(Smiling, he leaves. The Doctor groans as Rose approaches him and starts to shake him. The Doctor groans again.)
Rose: Doctor, wake up! Wake up, Doctor!
(The Doctor wakes up with a start then drops his head.)
Doctor: Oh, my skull! The throbbing’s getting worse. Luckily, Rose (Holds her arm) thanks for waking me up and comforting me in jarred, tender state of shock.
Rose: Actually, I'm just here for the cash.
(She grabs another empty beer bottle and smashes it over the Doctor's head, knocking him out again. She pulls out the Time Lord's wallet and steals the remaining money – lots of notes.)
Rose: Sweet superman, there must be a whole month's pay in here. That'll come in handy at M & S. (Pockets cash) Must remember to take it all next time. I do hate these annoying little trips back for refills.
(She leaves. The Doctor remains unconscious.)
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