Some crap I wrote in the last five minutes AND I HAVE WITNESSES!
C Tooth and Law
Aboard the TARDIS, the Doctor finds a CD of the Sex Pistols and puts them on. He casually acknowledges to Rose that his new identity is still in flux and malleable, and wants to check out if he still enjoys agonizing 1970s punk rock. Rose ponders if the Doctor might not be a bit impressionable, but the Doctor laughs off her concerns.
Five minutes later the Doctor has his hair in spikes, safety pins through his nose and insists he will from now on be called "Scumbag" as he spraypaints Gallifreyan Swastikas over the walls, all the time shouting "Oi!
Oi! Oi!"
The Doctor sets the TARDIS to land in 1979 so he and Rose can smash up the English state and provoke anarchy. Unfortunately, the TARDIS arrives in 1879 and, not realizing the woman in front of them is the real Queen Victoria and not a reactionary stereotype, start spitting on her and shouting "GOD SAVE THE QUEEN FROM THE FASCIST REGIME!"
Five minutes later, the Doctor and Rose are handcuffed and being dragged along the ground behind Queen Victoria's coach. "1879, 1979, it's still a bunch of tossers lording it over the young!" the Doctor muses
philosophically. "FUCK SOCIETY!!!"
Queen Victoria decides to stop for burgers and chips at the Touchwood Estate, a subterranean laboratory built over a rift in time and space but used generally at a bed in breakfast. Curiously, all the usual staff have
been replaced with sumo wrestlers and the owner Sir Robert, has a gun pointed to his head by his butler.
Assuming they have caught Sir Robert in some kinky sex antics while his wife was out, Queen Victoria politely declines to comment and goes to have a Happy Meal.
Meanwhile, the wrestlers find the Doctor and Rose covered in mud and grass and lying behind the coach.
"What are you doing here?"
"NEVER MIND THOSE BOLLOCKS, LET US LOOSE!"
Soon, however, the Doctor and Rose are locked in cages along with the estate staff and a few Amway salesman, along with a strange hairless monk from Da Vinci Code.
The monk explains he is in fact a werewolf, but doesn't like to go on about it, and muses how when he joined the local martial arts group they made him their god and locked him in a cage every night. As every twenty-eighth night he turns into a psychotic killing machine, he can't really complain.
Rose points out that surely the werewolf is strong enough to break out of the cage, despite the Doctor's noticeable screams of "SHUT UP, ROSE! JUST SHUT UP! STOP TRICKING ALIEN KILLING MACHINES INTO ESCAPING THEIR DUNGEONS! DID YOU LEARN NOTHING FROM LAST TIME??!"
Too late, the monk does just that, and promptly bites the head off a nearby sumo wrestler and dabs SMASH THE STATE in the human's blood.
"Aw, that's beautiful," the Doctor gasps.
The Doctor's enthusiasm starts to wane as the werewolf goes off camera and slaughters the sumo wrestlers in a sequence not even Ken "Wong" Russell would want to film. Deciding that discretion is the better part of having one's intestines hauled out of one's nostril, the Doctor and Rose run up some stairs. For a long time.
Along the way, the werewolf uses the other speaking parts as dental floss, leaving only the Queen Victoria.
Finally, the Doctor and Rose are left trapped in a room with a sword, a telescope and a Postideon Mark & Anti-Werewolf spray... DAMN IT! THERE'S NEVER ANYTHING USEFUL WHEN YOU NEED IT!
The werewolf bursts in and the Doctor climbs in front of the telescope and gurns in front of it. The sight of a gurning David Tennant blocking out the sun proves too much for the werewolf who vanishes in a puff of plot contrivance.
Queen Victoria stumbles in, bitten by the werewolf and sharing its deep abiding love of air guitar and mindless violence. Headbutting Rose, she creates the Touchwood Institute, an organization which will celebrate the spirit of the Sex Pistols forever more, defending Earth against the Reggae Horde... and maybe reverse engineering xenotech on slow weekends. She then banishes the Doctor and Rose forever, as they are clearly not nearly "high enough on the Syd and Nancy scale".
The Doctor sniffs sadly at the thought of being rejected by human monarchies, and warbles a heartbreaking rendition of "I Did It My Way."
He then pulls out a sawn-off shotgun and blows Queen Victoria's head off, and jumps up and down on the body shouting: "PUNK'S NOT DEAD, BUT IT'S CERTAINLY AGING FAST, TRYING TO DIE A DEATH THAT LIVES UP TO ITS PAST! BWA HAHAHAHAHAAHAH!"
Rose suggests that slaughtering the ruling monarch of the British Empire might have some kind of knock-on effect on history. The Doctor disagrees - it's not like there was a BUTTERFLY involved, is it?
He and Rose bounce off to the TARDIS making fun of royal families that won't exist and the Doctor shouting he bets all the other lame, ITV shows are probably sucking up to the Queen on her birthday while he will reveal the truth: she's a variable wavelength haemovarioform AND she stinks!
As the TARDIS takes off, we see it had landed on a butterfly that twitches in a pathetic "the end... or is it?" moment before dying.
"Continuity" by SkyHooks
More continuity
Right there on my TV
Continuity
Right there on my CV
Continuity
Right there, it ain't PC
Shockin' me right outa my brain
Touch Wood to get ya in
Get right under your skin
With Captain Jack? Remember him?
Oh yeah!
It tries to be a thriller
It fails to be a chiller
The dialogue's a killer
Oh yeah!
The plots are a-crashin
The CGIs are a-smashin
Morality takes a-bashin
Oh yeah!
The cast are a-shagging
The writers are a-bragging
The fans are a-gagging
Oh yeah!
You think it's just a spin-off
On BBC3
And written by people
More talented than you and me
Maybe you don't care
If the show gets a season
Why does it exist?
This story's the reason!
More continuity
Right there on my TV
Continuity
Right there on my CV
Continuity
Right there, it ain't PC
Shockin' me right outa my brain
The public's don't miss
Plot, content and this
Show is taking the piss
Oh Yeah!
They do a lotta swearing
It gets really wearing
Kids and adult aren't caring
Oh yeah!
More continuity
Right there on my TV
Continuity
Right there on my CV
Continuity
I ain't talking shit
People think Touch Wood
Is a successful hit!
People think Touch Wood
Is a successful hit!
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4 comments:
I am currently laughing my arse off at this.
Vindication.
It was the butterfly joke I especially enjoyed, because the whole 'butterfly effect' idea is so frickin stupid.
My favorite Simpsons os the one where Homer gets so frustrated about stepping on butterflies in the past he goes mad with a baseball bat,knocking down dinosaurs and screaming "I WILL TOUCH WHATEVER THE DAMN HELL I WANT TO TOUCH!"
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